Doing it for Me

 The theme for the next couple of weeks is "Doing it for me."

For a long time, and still sometimes in the now, I become paralyzed at the thought of screwing something up. I have anxiety about going to work, paying bills, going into unfamiliar stores because I think I'll do something or say something wrong. They'll know I don't belong, that I'm not an adult. I'll be late or check the wrong box or I'll forget to submit.

Now these are things that happen. I misread something or misinterpret. I stand in the wrong line or turn the wrong way. I err on the side of am I really worthy. Happily, I am learning to forgive myself. After all, I can't know some things until I do them. And yeah, I can throw the words "common sense" and "pay attention" at myself all day long, but in the end, I'm still gonna have a different perception than others and I'm just gonna have to do something in order to learn how to do it. Which means moving through the fear.

Part of releasing the fear is remembering what I am doing it for. Why am I paying the bills? Why am I going into this store? Why am I going to work (especially when it's so difficult to get out of bed?)

Because I want to. I like having heat (especially today!). I want to explore the pretty or useful (hopefully both) things in the store. I love the people I work with and the things I do. Basically, I am making choices to do things that bring me joy, even if I feel freaked out. 

And some things are less joyful in the moment (like getting off the couch and doing my morning yoga) but they lead to joyful things (like being able to bend further tomorrow than I could today.)

And some things feel like I should feel guilty - like when I just sit and watch the world and take multiple pictures. Loving the beauty and communing with the trees. Shouldn't I be cleaning or answering emails or playing with the cats? 

No. I get to choose.

That is the whole purpose. I get to choose what is right for me, or what I think is right for me. I get to do it for me.

Even posting this is something I am, in the end, doing for me. Because I like writing and I like creating a sense of community for myself. And I like rereading my stuff. And it helps me articulate my philosophies in a kinder voice than if I was just talking to myself. (Because as much as I love myself, sometimes I can be a real b... mean person to myself.) And finally, it is the practice of finishing things. So many yay me! moments in posting.

What would you like to do for yourself today?

It's not real until it's out there

 If you're like me, you have a lot of daydreams, a lot of plans. You can visualize possibilities all day (and all night) long. You feel you have the passion, the drive, the ability. Anything can happen.

Inside our heads.

And, if you're like me, you find yourself sitting on your bed at the end of the day wondering where it all went? Where is the disconnect between the visualization and the manifestation?

The answer, for me, is breath. 

Whether it's an affirmation, a prayer, a dream of world domination, or a plan to clean the house, it doesn't actually have life until I say it out loud. Until I give it the possibility of existence with my breath.

Now, I am really shy about saying things out loud. Because people remember them. And they ask me about them later! (darned accountability) So oftentimes I don't want to share the possibilities because then later I'll have to admit to failing to bring them to fruition. 

Concurrently, I don't know how many times I've change my mind once I've said it out loud. How many times stating something, into the universe, brought the shudder of "Oh, hmm. Maybe not." Because in my head everything is lovely and possible and amazing. But out in the world, it just might not be time yet, or I don't really have the energy to expend.

On the other hand, if I don't talk about it - like doing a blog or writing a song or looking for a job - it doesn't feel real. It only exists in the realm where the stories exist. 

So, if you're like me, the first step to realizing, manifesting, starting a dream or project, is saying it out loud. Stating the intention. Hearing what it feels like to have that possibility in the mouth. To state it as a part of my being. 

And part of that step is also the ability to say, oh, nope. I don't like the sound of that at all.

So? What would you like to happen today?

-Lila