But wait, there's more!

 A friend and I were looking at things that are "blue shield." As I understand it, these are devices or objects which eminate frequencies to either counteract or overwhelm the EMF that is surrounding most of our lives these days.

The particular ones i looked at said they emitted frequencies that are similair to what is found in nature, and that our own... frequencies? energies?... would focus on or connect to those instead of to the more damaging EMF around us. 

And it sounds lovely, right? Nature frequencies. Yay! 

And I'm all about focusing on what brings you joy, on what works for you, on what you want. Well, on what I want.

But at the same time...

If you're like me, you have a cabinet full of pills and supplements you take every day. Aids to help the brain and body get through the day feeling a way we'd like to feel, aiding those things the body can no longer produce, be it hormones or hair growth or serotonin. Every time I set up those pills, I just sigh and want to cry a little. It seems ridiculous that I have to fill my body with foreign substances in order to feel closer to happy each day.

And I get the same feeling of frustration from the blue shield thing. Let's fill the air around us with MORE frequencies. Let's make it so crowded that, sure, we feel more energized and more in tune with our bodies, but we also feel claustrophobic and pressed and like there's no elbow room? To me (and this is probably just me) it sounds like the cure only contributes to other dis-eases. 

So what is the answer? I love my technology, I gotta say. I even have a way with it. It is just energy, after all. Granted it's energy programmed by humans, so...

But I also want peace in my brain. I want to feel space. I want the connection with nature to be what I choose. I want...

I want...

I want fewer products and more me?

ask not what this country can give to you

So, when travelling to a new place in the states, or even when going into a new store, I have often had a feeling of hesitancy. Of being a foreigner. Of wondering who I'm going to offend by going in the wrong direction or getting the rules wrong. "They will all laugh at you!" 

Now, when travelling to a new country, there is the expectation of difference. There is the knowledge that as soon as I open my mouth, I'm going to be heard to be a foreigner, There's a kind of freedom in that. People don't expect me to fit in, so I don't have to? And I don't expect them to be what I'm used to, so the curiosity and exploring part is triggered already. 

However, in my latest travels, it's the strangest thing... there is no feeling of strangeness.  I still expect the names to be different, the words that fall upon my ears to be incomprehensible. But trees are trees. And the grass is green. There's gluten free things on the shelf, recycling to figure out, and the wine bottles are the same shape in this country as in the other. 

I realized that since this trip was more about my friends than it was about the country, I didn't come in with a desire to be dazzled or swept off my feet, or shown marvels. No fairy tale expectations. no secret yearnings of Hallmark moments or doorways to fairy lands, or discoveries by famous local musicians. This was never one of the "must see before I die" places of my heart. So there's a lot less riding on the visit.

And I also realized, this morning, that without that, that "wow me" setting turned on, I am interacting more freely with the environment. I am connecting and contributing? I am bringing myself to this country, as well as being a tourist in it. 

Truthfully, I am not acting much different here than I do at home - I am taking pictures of beautiful things, pausing to listen to birds and watch cats, admiring the clouds floating by, humming to the wind, touching trees and smiling at strangers. Maybe that's the thing. I am interacting as me, instead of holding myself apart, expecting to be amazed or dazzled or made a victim of.

And maybe that's the secret of any visit or interaction, with the known and unknown. "I gotta be me." And they will be they. And together, we will create a new being, a new moment, a new event, of us.

Morning Meandering - May 13

 Oh my goodness, is routine helpful.

When on vacation, I've heard, and said, oh try this - you're on vacation. Oh, do that, you're on vacation! Like it's a reason to through daily routines and dietary preferences out the window.

But really, what does that create? Well, if you're like me, it creates a lot of discomfort and confusion. 

I have learned which morning and evening (finally!) routines help me feel like the best me. A me I like to be. Even during difficult days. They don't "fix" everything, but they help dress me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and often physically.

I have learned which foods feel worse than others in my system. What certain teas or drinks will do to and for me. What kind of exercise is great and what kind of stretches can help alleviate the TOO MUCH!

Now, when travelling, I don't always get the choice of foods. I might not have the same space and I certainly won't have the same set up as at home for my stuff and my exercises. The schedules aren't necessarily under my control. I'm "stuck" with the choice of clothes and items I decided to pack. And there may be decisions to do events or go on adventures despite a low energy level or physical discomfort. Because I'm there and i want to. 

But it is so helpful to keep in mind what kind of morning routine is helpful - connecting, waking up the body, waking up the brain. Which teas are helpful. And closing down for the night, since the days can be full of stimulus and emotional overwhelm. 

So yeah, when I hear, in my head (or hear myself say) - oh, but you're on vacation! I'm trying to remember to add the answer "Yes, and I want to enjoy the whole thing!"

Daily Meandering - Normal equals Trauma?

I had a lovely childhood. I know I was loved; my parents told me I could be whatever I wanted; I was given many good hugs and music and skills for believing in myself. I do believe my parents did their best every day.

And still, as I learn more about myself, I sometimes look back at my childhood and feel traumatized. 

One of my books, Not Really a Murder Mystery, has a main character who was a victim of torture.  - I don't like those things, by the way. I have a difficult time reading them myself, and honestly, the only way I could do that to one of my characters was to say she was so busy believing in her rescue that she didn't actually feel the pain. And honestly, whenever I reread it, one of my first thoughts is, wow, a psychologist would have a field day with this. I even had a reader tell me that I did a good job describing the mental state of a the victim afterward, and she wasn't going to ask what I had been through.

To my knowledge, I haven't actually been through any kind of physical abuse or intentional harm at the hands of another being. (Cats excluded.) But I have never, ever liked the idea of torture. 

On Facebook the other day, I read a snippet of someone saying their parents had gaslit them a lot growing up. That made me think too.

Because I can say that part of my childhood memories, or trauma, is feeling like I never understood what people wanted, what or why they were doing things, what was going on around me. One of my oft used phrases these days is "Did that make sense?" because I'm not confident that I am expressing myself in a way that is understood. Sure, we're all using the same words, but our definitions are often drastically different. (Like saying something is bad. Is it really bad? As in not good? Or is it bad, as in to be admired?) 

In how many ways was I harmed, unintentionally, by my parents and teachers and family's and friends' desire to comfort and care and keep me safe? By someone else exclaiming that their truth was THE truth? by the insistence or expectation - even of myself about myself - that I be a certain type of person, act a specific way, perform within these parameters, fit into this mold?

In how many ways am I experiencing trauma reactions because I never have, even when I tried really hard, fit the "norm"?

Okay, I feel it, now what?

 S, one of the Happiness Practice steps is "how does it feel, physically?"

I am at an uncomfortable weight. Comparisons and body positivity aside, I dislike how massive I feel, how everything seems to cling uncomfortably, how I take up so much more space than I used to. 

At the same time, I have never felt more solid - and by that I mean, physically present, confident in myself, powerful. Capable. Well able. I am HERE. I am no longer a frail human, who needs assistance - okay, I don't feel like one - hmm, maybe I just feel less vulnerable. Strong in my abilities, which helps make it easier to accept assistance because knowing what I'm good at means being okay with feeling less skilled in other areas.

So, I literally and, probably, figuratively brought this on myself. Because I wanted to feel those things. I was tired of feeling like I had to be taken care of. I imagine anyone whose had a major illness or physical injury which lasts longer than a few days gets the residue affect of feeling frail, of wondering how it happened, where it came from and WILL IT HAPPEN AGAIN?! And those around us are hovering, watching, and it reciprocates when others have a difficulty and we are flashed back to our fragility, and  we all get into the cycle of caution for ourselves and for others. 

And I wanted to walk out in the world unafraid. Secure in the knowledge that I am held safely in the hands of the Universe, and confident in my own abilities. Strong enough to attempt things and wise enough to know when I have to ask for help.

So here I am, physically feeling like I always thought I looked in pictures (horrible, two dimensional, blob). And reveling in the feeling of strength and PRESENCE while despising the physicality. 

And I am believing so blessedly hard that the only reason I am here in this current form is to cement the feeling of capability, confidence and strength. And that I will be able to slenderize, so I can be comfortable, make room around me, and still feel solid. 

Or, maybe, I just need to realize that growing sideways will not ever, ever, ever, make me any taller. I might be able to lift the box, but I still can't reach the one on the top shelf without a step ladder.

Either way. I am ready to be a little more compact again. While still feeling strong, capable, and solid.

Compact? 

Hmpph.

Boundaries vs Empathy

 A while back,  I saw a friend's post on Facebook; it said "I am training to make my Boundaries stronger than my empathy."

At first, this is a difficult thing to contemplate; at least if you're like me. How to turn off the empathy? How to not connect to each and every person I come in contact with?

But let's look at it another way. 

Let's think of it in terms of authors. There are millions of writers out there - trillions? of books available. There is no possible way to read them all, even if I had the inclination. But I don't want to read them all anyway. I like specific types of books; I like specific authors. I have guidelines, criteria, for reading that brings me joy. You could call that boundaries. 

Okay - the same applies to food right? There are a thousand different kinds of food and another thousand ways of preparing them. I know that I like some things and don't like others and sometimes like others - depending on the way they're cooked. I also know some things are really good for my body and some are uncomfortable. So I make choices; I have criteria. I put boundaries in place for my consumption so that I am comfortable and strong and happy and aware. (Or sometime uncomfortable but still really happy. Can you say green chile salsa?)

Okay. Let's get a little closer to the empathy thing - let's talk about donations and volunteering. You can't turn a corner without seeing something or someone requesting money. Whether it's Patreon or tithing; donating at the counter of the grocery store or helping a neighborhood kid with a college fund. Special interest groups and focused appeals go out every single day - and burn up our phone lines as well. And they all want us to feel guilty for not giving directly to them instead of to someone else. But we each have XX amount of money or time to give.  Even the richest person I know has a finite amount of money available for distribution at a specific time. Even a person with gobs of free time only has 525,600 minutes in a year. So choices are made - interests are defined. Limits, and thus boundaries, are placed.

And if we think of empathy as something physical - as a coin to spend or book to read - we realize that we can only "care" so much. The cup runs out, the interest depletes, the ability to look outside ourselves and connect with another person dwindles. We only have so much focus to give before we are finished and wind up sitting in the bed with the covers over our head wondering why we feel so bad. And empathy is focus, it's putting ourselves in another person's shoes and "feeling" their situation. Sometimes blotting out our own personal situation.

So let us know our edges. And let us be strong enough to "just say no", put on our own oxygen mask first. And let there be healthy boundaries.

But I don't wanna!

 They say "With great power comes great responsibility." 

So, how many of us "just say no" because the thought of great responsibility is overwhelming?

I want to feel powerful. I want to find my passions. I want to be good at what I'm doing and enjoy the moment. I want to have the freedom of body and soul and finances and rights and abilities. I want to be able to choose. 

But I don't want to feel like I have to become a leader, or write a book, or have a blog, or sell a product, or share my talents. I want the freedom to be able to say no. To choose who I share with. To use those gifts and passions just for me. Or just my way?

And I don't want to be the answer to anyone else's questions; I still have a lot of my own. And I've seen, in macro- and microcosms, that as soon as you stand out, people are glommed on, dissecting and prying and trying to get a piece - either by being a number one fan or by trying to find all the dirt. 

I'm not sure why people are attacking these days. Maybe we're all scared of learning something or being known for something or just feeling the pressure of too many choices or not enough or not the right ones. And I can understand and sympathize and still not want to be the attackee. What did I grow up learning? You put yourself out there - for your faith, for your truth - you're gonna be crucified. I guess that hasn't really changed, has it?

So yes, I want to have the power. To do what I want, feel what I want. To grow in my experiences and know that I am being "all that I can be." But, I also just want to quietly go my way without feeling any sort of obligation to be a Name or a Brand or a Leader. I want my life to be about what I can experience, not an obligation about what I can do.

Is that bad? To want power (of thought or deed or skill or whatever) that improves my life, and not want to feel the obligation to immediately go out and make other people's lives better? But how can it be bad... I'm a person too.

Not the Right way ➤⮜

 I am ambidextrous in some things - using a fork or a spoon (though not a knife 🤔); ten key and mouse; with screwdrivers and hammers. Playing the piano (is that really ambidextrous though?). Heck, I can play the guitar (very simply) with the neck on either side - though I guess that means sometimes I am playing it upside down.

Let's just say there are many times I can use whatever hand is available for the task, instead of having to shift everything. 

One of the things I am working on, however, it writing with my left hand. I have lovely penmanship, when I want to, with my right hand. But my left - eesh. I can barely read it sometimes, and I pride myself on my ability to "translate" handwriting. (I do. It's in my resume 😁).

And, in an attempt to improve, I seem to spend a lot of time comparing the differences - not just of how the final result looks, but of how I hold the pen, and how it feels to form the letters, and how I have to set the paper. And i think that comparison is impeding my progress.

My left hand and my right hand are going to have 2 different experiences. For one thing, we're coming at the paper at a completely different angle. When I'm using my right hand, it's like I'm leaving this trail of ink behind. But using my left hand, I am leading with the ink, and continually pass over it to the next word, phrase or thought. I am pushing the pen instead of pulling the pen. Writing with the left hand moves into my body instead of away.

And of course, there's the years (continuous) of practice for the right versus the days (accumulated) for the left.

So what works for the right hand is not necessarily going to work for the left. Which is kind of making my brain hurt. Because that means, I have to let myself figure out how the left hand does it, all on its own. We have the basics, but the execution will be unique. 

And if that's not a metaphor for life...

Those who can't

 There's a well known phrase - those who can't, teach. It's sometimes (often?) said with derision - oh, you're not good enough to act, sing, write, defend a client, play the game. - you've got the knowledge, but not the real skill.

It goes along with the image of the lone super hero; the brave warrior heading off to battle; the head chef or Ceo running his little empire with flair and bad manners. The elite. The special.

But there is also another phrase - they also serve, who sit and wait. 

Do you know how many support people there are? For a movie? Well, they are listed in the credits. What about for a game? For a military maneuver? For a caped crusader? For a favorite restaurant or priest or lawyer or animal whisperer? 

Let's talk about a sports game. Not only are there the players on the team and on the bench and in the wings on reserve, there's the coaches. Pretty well known. There's the "trainers" - the medical team. And there's the water people and assistants and towel fetchers. Oh and the people who care for the field, both during the season (before and after a game) and when there are no games in session. There's the vendors and the ushers. There's the janitors and the security. There's ALSO the admin people - who exchange the tickets for the money, who communicate with the fans or with the team. There's the organizers and the bill collectors and the bills payers and the payroll clerks. There's the people who deliver the equipment and drive the players. There's the people who install the lights of the facility and maintain them, and there's the people who keep them on. Oh, and what about the people who create the uniforms, the equipment, the paper? And the people who gather the materials that are needed for those creations?

And that's leaving out the vendors and the tv crews and sports casters.

And seriously - where would the good people of fake New York be if there wasn't a team of people willing to clean up after the big super hero montage? Who would Batman be without Alfred and the bat cave and all his technology which he did not personally create with his own two hands? 

And how would the soldiers defend us without the training and the tools? The medical people go to classes but there's also the equipment and the teams which clean up after them. And the printers and deliverers of the teaching material. And... 

Those who "can't", do teach. And support. And feed and listen and heal and clean up after and do all the invisible admin work that currently makes our social world go round.

Those who "can't", provide rooms, give money, give time, give encouragement.

Those who "can't", create homes and memories and a place to be someone other than the one who "Can".

So to those who "can't",  Thank you for everything you DO. 

Just a little... more

 So, if you're like me, it's been a very full, often frustrating, "Calgon take me away!" set of weeks, maybe even months. 

First, I want to say - I chose all of this. Not intentionally, necessarily - I mean, I didn't say "oh, I want to be so busy and have so many balls in the air it feels like I'm not actually present in my own life." But first there was this once in a lifetime event I really want to do. And then there was THIS one time only event for a group I really want to give energy to. And then, well, it looked like the best time to fit this thing in, because I need to do it once a year, and this, well, this is my job and I like my job and, oh crabapples - this is the busy time of year. I don't have to ask myself "What was I thinking?" because I know exactly. And on paper, it all fit into nice neat little calendar squares and time slots. No problem

But things take longer than I think they'll take.

And part of the time crunch is I'm also working on self care, which includes exercise and connecting with people. And then there's preparing for the once in a lifetime things, which actually takes up a lot of brain power and time these days. So then we're back to self care which includes some reading and tv, but more importantly finding things to read and watch that appeal to me, instead of just consuming junk. 

And it's so easy to get frustrated with myself and with others when whatever I'm doing doesn't actually contribute to the things I want to be doing - like a traffic jam on the way to work or a story being told that doesn't apply to the question asked or finding myself distracted by "reels" on social media when I did actually get on the site for a particular purpose... Let's just say my patience wears thin and that adds to the overall air of "AAAAARGH!"

BUT! I have been working on breathing. And keeping my heart open (even with myself!). And taking a moment, just a moment to just let things be, to release connection. And the other day, oh, the other day, I realized that I had lasted just a little longer before getting frustrated. And it took me less time to remember to breathe. And I was able to disconnect from unwanted things (instead of grumbling about why people would want this crap - sorry, stuff - in their lives anyway; after all, I imagine some of the stuff I like to read others would consider crap); I was able to disconnect for just a second more.

And the realization of this, oh, it was like realizing that I am able to stretch just a little farther. The most amazing sense of personal accomplishment and, even better, the knowledge that with this step an even bigger step is possible. 

I can be the happy, rested, exuberant, busy, self-care and best of all "AAARGH" free person I prefer to be. It's not going to happen all at once. There are totally going to be ebbs and flows, waxing and waning, some days easier than others. But each day, each moment, there is the amazing possibility of stretching, breathing, releasing, caring, just a little more.

And that is awesome.

May we all have just one more breath today, than we did yesterday, of beauty, peace, resilience, love, hope, connection - whatever feeds us most.

Looking for my mountain top

 I feel like it's time to go looking for my mountain top - my place to settle in, make everything just so for my joy and satisfaction, and then dispense my wisdom to all and sundry as they come strolling by.

Now, I identify as an introvert - and when I am done people for the day, I am DONE. But I do like people. Family and friends especially. So I don't want an actual hike for day, tote your own water, internet free mountain top. I myself will be travelling to and from, you know, for like groceries and new tech toys and going to visit people who won't come visit me; not to mention how blessed cold actual mountain tops can get. Yeesh no.

And I love trees and seeing animals and rivers, so its gotta be someplace with healthy growth, but not too growthy - like, I don't want to deal with scorpions and mold everywhere. (Yeah, I have preferences. That's what living is for, figuring out what works for me.) So maybe a foothill, as opposed to an actual mountain.  Or a forest with a river. Though I can't walk barefoot in a forest - at least, not anymore. But that's okay because there will be a lovely packed, tree-lined path, leading from my cottage door to the river side. With plenty of space to put flower pots and squirrel feeders and a table for entertaining guests. Yes, that sounds like a lovely, peaceful place.

And I imagine that there will be days I just want to jump up and run around and share my awesome life with others (aka dispensing wisdom) - and when the urge comes I want to be able to just get up and go (again, no mountain top. Easy access to navigable roads.)

But mostly, the desire is just be. Literally. Just sit in one spot and be part of the nature, part of the scenery, watching the clouds go by and the river roll and the grass grow. And let the sun bake into my skin. 

Mmm. Yup I am ready to find my "mountain top."

Diagnosis - Human

 These days there are a lot of things that could be "wrong". A lot of symptoms to freak out over; a lot of confusion over "symptoms". Cancer or cold? Indigestion or heart issues? Hungry or in pain? 

And then we start worrying about others. Has she always acted this tired and lethargic? Has he always had that little sniffle? They've had a lot of stress in their lives. That bug is going around.

So how do we know? And how do we have a conversation without alarming or stressing out the object of our concern? If it's a memory thing, do you take witnesses, so you know that YOU'RE remembering the meeting correctly? If it's an internal thing, do you press the issue? 

And in my experience, it's hard to get an appointment with a doctor these days - so if they actually get one, will they even remember why we  suggested they get the appointment?

What is the difference between forgetful and early onset Alzheimer's? Where is the line between out of breath and COPD or Asthma? When is it okay to express concern and when do we not mention it to help avoid calling attention to a weakness?

And the biggest question of all - am I focusing on their "symptoms" because I'm worried about myself?

Being human is a lot of work. 

Vacation vs Adventure

I have been on a lovely vacation which was filled with a lot of nothing.

Yesterday, my host said, apologetically, "But we haven't done anything!" And I grinned and said, "Exactly. It was wonderful!"

I do love going to the beach, and exploring little shops, and finding amazing gardens and wondering through cemeteries. I enjoy scenic gondola rides and hikes (walks) up small mountains and white water rafting (okay, not really that one) and checking out dance clubs. I am happy to explore new foods and local pubs. It's all part of that "world traveler/adventurer" label I enjoy wearing sometimes.

But when I think vacation, when I think "gotta get away", what I'm getting away from is the frantic do, do, do! Projects for work and projects for keeping the home in peace, and food and exercise and spiritual attention, and am I answering all of my emails (always a no) and am I meeting all of my obligations - which are self imposed, chosen, enjoyable! but are still obligations. 

So these days, when I go on vacation - even though I can't "get away" from the news or the emails or the nagging feeling I left something undone - I want to do... nothing.

Granted, nothing for me does mean some emails or checking in at work; but it's in a relaxed environment and it's totally my choice and, best of all, it's in the company of those I'm visiting. The BEST vacations are the ones where we're all just sitting around - or puttering around the house - doing our thing. We flow together to play games and eat and converse; we flow away to nap and read and exercise and work. We share tidbits of the day, random delights and esoteric thoughts. We're just being. Together.

This last vacation, I didn't even spend much time contemplating the beauty of the world. I mean, I sat outside (I was outside when I started this post) and I listened to birds and watched the clouds and felt the wind.  But there was no marveling, no deep thoughts (except, you know, when I'm writing), no active communing with nature. I just sat there at let it all wash over me. Just being.

This has been a truly lovely vacation. And I am very grateful to everyone who just hung out and existed with me. I love you.

Packing is fun! (read the sarcasm)

 Packing is a very frustrating exercise. There are so many things to balance! And I feel like I'm limiting myself - pre choosing is a lot of brain power... what do I want to wear vs what will the weather be like vs what in the heck will I be doing? How do I "pack" infinite possibilities into a medium sized suitcase?

And yep, it's medium sized. I've worked my way down from large. But I don't think I'll ever be able to fit everything into a carry-on size. Eesh.

And I have this cool set of luggage with a "closet". It's great when I get to where I'm going, because I just pull it out and hang it up and clothes are mostly easy to find (I just have to remember which shelf I put them on🤣). But the closet thing takes up space in the suitcase and sticks up funny so even though there's two sides to the suitcase, there's not as much room as one would think. 

So I say "yay, I have confined myself to 9 articles of clothing for a week long trip - 3 pants, 3 short sleeve shirts and 3 long sleeve options" but there's also my warm sweatshirt and shoes and underwear - oh my goodness, do you know how much space 7 days worth of underwear takes up?! and sleep clothes. It doesn't all fit into the closet. Especially my big bulky lovely comforting sweatshirt.

And typing it out, 9 articles of clothing balances between too much and oh, nice job. And really, it's not about judging myself. Or what Ithink others think. I don't need to explain it, I'm just here to say it's a lot of work to get it down to 9 main articles of clothing. And then still end up staring at the suitcase wondering if I can close it.

Like, was all that agonizing worth it? I mean, it will be (mostly) when I get there. 

Oh yeah. I'm doing this now because I know I will prefer it then - both the different choices, and the fact that it's an easy unpack/organize when I get there. 

So yay me! Thank me for the angst I am enduring. 

Morning Meandering - March 12

I'm sitting here after a lovely stretching session, waiting for my brain to fire up and WRITE. Something profound or meaningful or funny or...

I mean, I want to write. I've just got nothing to say.

...

So. I just read a draft of something I started a while ago; there was no conclusion yet, but the idea underneath it was true. Thought provoking and definitely "post" worthy.

But it was also...vulnerable.

The other day a friend thanked me for being vulnerable, after I "confessed" some of my idiosyncrasies? issues? habits? freak outs? when I travel. I was actually saying it as a warning; "Beware the Lila with suitcase in hand."

But she was right. It takes a lot to say, "Hey, this is how I am. Get ready for it."

And why? Why do people have to come out, or fly our freak flag, or "be ourselves" like it's a great challenge and something to be rewarded. I mean, it is, obviously (or I wouldn't be angsting over it) but why? (Oops, back to the "Why?!!") 

Is it a label thing? A "man" names thing thing? Because when we label and name and identify we can safely put it in a slot, with additional labels such as "nice" or "No thank you!", and move on about our day? And yeah, I love categories as much as the next bookseller or color-coded obsessed admin, but does it really count for people? 

All right, now I have to go think about that. (And notice how I nicely skipped away from the vulnerable thing? Yeah...)

But why Why?

 I have long had a discordant relationship with the word "Why."

It's too easy to get caught up in the why of something - get wrapped into the reasons and the past activities which leads to agonizing over past choices and wishing and reimagining. Which is all lovely and whatever, but it rarely solves the problem at hand.  And I am left with a feeling of helplessness and time wasted. So I have been a big proponent of "Why doesn't matter. What matters is what we do next."

Yeah, which is great, except for when the why does actually matter.

For example: why am I feeling hazy in the brain?

It could be allergies. It could be a lack of oxygen. It could be a cold. It could be lack of sleep. It could be the need for more water. It could be a stress reaction from an event or from a trigger. It could be burn out. It could be my glasses need to be cleaned and I'm translating fuzzy eyes to fuzzy brain. 

Each of these things has a different fix. So the why is important.

Which is annoying as... a very annoying thing (insert favorite adjective or curse word here)! Because pausing to figure out the reason takes time. Uggh. So  much time. And sometimes that is a triggering thing right there.

I have spent years, YEARS, working on myself, trying to achieve this or that and maintain it for longer that a breath, and every time I have reached a summit, I find a new challenge and while I'm busy exploring the new the old unravels which means I probably didn't have the right answer which means I probably didn't know the right why which means AAAAAAAGH!!!!

Yup. Frustrated. It could be because I have burnout. It could be because I'm tired. It could be because I'm hungry. It could be because...

You know, in books, they already know the why - well, the characters may not know but the author knows and it's going to be revealed eventually because there is an audience to inform so everything will come out and they don't actually have to make any decisions because someone else is making the decisions for them. And.

Hmm. I think I'm going to go read a book.

Morning Meandering March 3

 Wow, has it really been that long since I posted? I write but then I wonder if it's relevant or well written or do I really want to put that out into the world or...

And of course, there's the venue and time components. Which venue do I use? Blogger? WordPress? YouTube? Insta - blah blah blah. Do I want to be "Relevant?" And, while it's easy enough to free write 100-500 words on the spur of the moment, there's the edit period. (Because even if it's meandering, I still want to fix the typos!)

Honestly, I just want to write - to get the words out of my head an onto the paper so I can be connected to them and think - Yup. Or Nope.

I love that I accepted myself enough to title this blog section "Meanderings." I'm not sure there is such thing as a straight line in my brain. Possibly in my life. It's not so much a matter of "squirrel!" as it is... rock skipping that pauses to sink into the pool, immerse in the moment around it, get really involved, and then "Squirrel!" skipping back onto the path. 

Which can be frustrating, let me tell you. It feels like I have no "staying power", or passion, or strong interest. And it does make the things that I return to seem like old friends - or something to grab onto. 

I've written a few books, and in one of them, I write about a scene where the main character is so lonely and afraid, she grabs for presences - and scares them off. It takes deeps breathing and opening to allow the connection - and holding so loosely. It's still a little lonely, because sometimes one doubts if that connection is even there. Am I still just fumbling around in the dark?

But it comes back to belief and happiness. Am I happier believing there is a connection - with GOD, with the Universe, with Nature, with my world - and that the love I pour out is being returned, multiplied? Or am I happier striving, reaching, waiting for the solid, physical proof I can point to, display for others? Because outside validation is the only thing that makes it real? 

There's a thing from the Bible (at least I think it's from the Bible - Joel Osteen quotes it all the time). I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. It is jaw dropping and a bit intimidating to think of all the things that happened, all of the "random" paths which crossed to bring me to this exact point. I am a work of art! I am amazing. 

And I have just as much validation power as anyone else in my world. 

Hmm. Maybe that's the scariest thing of all. I have the power. How will I use it?