I made this!

 This morning, as a I was snuggling into my couch preparing for my creative time, thoughts ping ponging against every conceivable subject, as they do, I stopped to marvel at how comfortable my life is.

Literally comfortable.

On almost every perchable surface, I have something warm and fuzzy - a blanket, a fuzzy pillow, a beloved but no longer wearable sweater or jacket. I have stuffed animals in almost every room. I have soft rugs and warm colored curtains and cozy objects - like tea pots and gnomes and things that are green and things to be read. Oh, and lights. I have lights, draped and strung. 

It is possible I have too many of some of these things all in one spot. There are days when I wish the designer had shown a little restraint. I would like sometimes to wake up and be in a place that feels a little more pristine and clean instead of cluttered.

But on the other hand, this house feels like it's okay to live in it. 

And I get so tickled, sometimes, at how comfortable it is. Look at this, I think. There are pillow pets and fuzzy blankets on this couch I sit on every day! I get to snuggle into flannel sheets on a bed that has a lovely plush mattress pad protector. My life is soft and snuggly and warm and fuzzy. 

And I realize - and it feels so strange that I have to tell myself this - I am the one who allowed my house, my home, my life to be this way. I am the one who decided I am going to put those stuffed animals in my living room and I don't care what any (hypothetical) visitor says. I get to have a big white blanket on the couch and have to share blanket time with my cats. I chose this rug and those curtains and to keep watering that plant. I told my tall spouse where to hang the lights. 

I made this space into the cozy comfortable space it is.

And I don't know, anymore, where that lingering feeling, like I'm getting away this something, like this is verboten but I am doing it anyway - I don't know where that came from. I don't know where most of my internal ideas of how something should look or be spring from. Probably books and tv shows and things I internalized as a child. Maybe there is even some form of "everything must be in it's place" in one of my personalities. Certainly my stubbed toes might prefer to have fewer cat toys on the floor. 

But happily, my internal Better Homes and Gardens critic has quieted over the years, because I love sitting down and marveling at how comfortable my couch is. Grinning in delight at the cookbooks displayed on the antique baking rack. Sitting on my cushy couch, just reveling in the comfort. 

And knowing that if the choices I made for something as simple as a comfortable life work in the physical world, where else can my choices, my preferences, my desires manifest?

So yay me! for all the beauty and cozy in my world. And thank me for this comfortable life.

Don't be a unicorn.

 There is a mug/meme/bumper sticker saying - one of many, I'm sure - that reads "Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then be a unicorn."

I always cheered that. Of course! Let's be unicorns. Sparkly, magical, bright, shiny, unique.

Except. That seems like a lot of work, doesn't it? To always be bright and shiny. To always be magical. To always be unique. There is a certain expectation of awesome individuality in the idea of a unicorn - a gift, a prize, a mark of favor if one is a friend.

And, much as I love admiration and friendships, I don't think I want to work that hard. I don't want to be constantly on, every time someone else is in the room, so I am giving the full unicorn experience. And these days, the "unicorn experience" is different for everyone, isn't it? Do Unicorns poop rainbow glitter (or glittered rainbows), do they protect you with their deadly horns? Do they seek virgins or just the pure at heart? Are they wise and curious and get in deadly debates with dragons? Or are they meek and gentle and spend their time trotting through sun dapples forest glades? Are they horses with horns? Or whispers on the wind?

No, being a unicorn is too much about someone else's world view. And don't get me wrong, I love unicorns. I believe in them and I am blessed to connect with them. I am a unicorn girl all the way (except for the glitter poop and barfing rainbows. People, please!)

If  I was going to be any alternate being, it would be a cat. Not only because cats don't care, and they are mysterious and unique and aloof and cuddly and even those of us who know our cats best can never be 100% sure what they're going to do, but also...

... because cats don't care what others think of them. They aren't, to the best of my knowledge, trying to fulfill some ideal of cat-ness. And yeah, we want to be friends with the cats (unless we're allergic,)  we seek cat approval, but we accept it when we're snubbed. And we let them walk away. Or curl up and sleep on us. Or dip their tail in our milk. (I mean, we get mad when they do that, let's be honest. But we aren't surprised when it happens. And we tell stories about it later.) 

Yeah, if I'm going to be myself to the ultimate best of my ability, all the time, then I'm going to strive to be like a cat.  

'Cause the Effects Affect the Cause

 

There is a saying: As above, so below. As within, so without.

One of the ways of interpreting this has to do with health. If there is stress on the inside, it can manifest as physical difficulties. (Louisa Hay even wrote a book or two about it.)

I think this is also kind of evident in the tumult that is wreaking the world, both physically - in the fantastically strange and unexpected weather (where the word fantastic means almost unbelievable) - and in the mental and emotional state of most of us humans. 

And it makes sense, weather affects energy which affects us.

But there is also the fact that what we do affects the weather. Cutting down trees or putting them up; driving and flying and factory fumes; reflecting the sun or using it for energy; trapping water or letting it flow. All of nature's creatures affect their environment - building or travelling or creating or destroying - in response to their physical and emotional needs.

And it would be quite the rabbit hole to fall down - which came first, the weather patterns or the anxiety and turmoil which leads us to changing our environment. 

Well, I don't have time for rabbit holes. There are too many books to read! And frankly, there's nothing I can do about the cause or, considering how wide spread it is, the over all affect. 

First of all, it's not personal. At this stage in our evolution, we are riding the ripple effect of things that happened decades or even centuries ago. Butterflies have been flapping their wings since - well, since the first blessed butterfly came into existence. Squirrels have been hoarding, bees have been pollinating, and people have been forging forward - each following their instincts - forever.

I can't go back and undo anything. Not even my choice to live in these tumultuous, anxiety creating times.

So, what can I do? Whether its snowing or sun shining, whether I feel like singing or beating the couch with a swim noodle (yes, seriously. I don't have a good space to shoot pellets at glass, so…) I can love.

Love myself. Love nature. Send love to all the people whose interactions imploded my anxiety - because it's not their fault. It's me. I am the one who is irritated. So I love me again. I love all dimensions of myself.

Do you know how much nicer it feels to send love? Because as within, so without. And the ripples come back. If I feel love, I can send love and there will be love around me. I will create a space that is warm and lovely, that feels comfortable. And I will be more inspired to create/contribute to the beauty outside.

And, it will be just a little easier to deal with the daily uncertainty that is weather.

If I feel anger and frustration and send it out, that is all that is going to surround me. Everuything will feel harsh. And the weather just add to my horrible no good day, regardless of rain or shine. 

I like being happy and sparky. My body feels better if the only pain is the one in my biceps because the yoga teacher introduced us to forearm planks today. (seriously? Seriously?!) 

Because I think it is all circular anyway. Anxiety causes energetic tension which causes anxiety which causes more energetic tension. This is a cycle I don't want to be a part of.

Wow - you know, I honestly have no idea if this makes the kind of sense I want it to. But I'm going to post it so that I can move on to the next step of thinking about it 😁.

So I hope we all have a lovely day, regardless of the weather and the anxiety, which will create more beautiful days ahead of us.

Morning Meandering - Facing the blank page

 I find it funny - sometimes in a "are you kidding me?!" kind of way - that I have all these thoughts and ideas and plans for writing as I do my morning connections, and wash the dishes, and take a shower, and what have you. But then I face the blank empty page and the things I was so sure I was going to write - the thoughts which would not get out of the way when I was trying to do other things - simply vanish. Name on the tip of my tongue, put Baby back into the corner, aww shucks nothing to see here, gone.

And sometimes, if I can remember what I was feeling so passionate about, I can get the words and the conviction back. They flow through righteously. 

And sometime, I continue to stare at the page, and then just start writing something else, hoping it'll be worthy, hoping it's something I actually want to say. 

I've been doing my best (and I've been doing a decent job of it) to just put the words out there, you know? Write it down and then let it go. But honestly, for every post that gets published, there is at least one unpublished, probably unfinished, post. In fact, I'd started a similar writing on this a month or two ago...

"So, I like to think that this is normal for any writer - many writers? maybe even just people in general. The number of blog drafts is at least double the number of blog posts. Thoughts I started, but either couldn't reach a satisfying conclusion, or couldn't figure out what I was trying to say. In some ways they're taunting - in that whole, I thought you were just going to post stuff and not care if it has a relevant or impactful message? Right? Huh? it's like I'm judging myself for judging my writing. But it's not really judging - it's evaluating? It's like NOT blurting out every thought that passes through my mind."

And as I write this and format it and get ready to read this, I kind of lose interest. Because it's not what I really wanted to say, and it's triggering a lot of other thoughts - like cycles and other people. 

But it did lead me to editing/publishing something I'd previously written and left simmering. And there was such a feeling of rightness, or readiness, of finality after I added a couple more lines to it. 

And then a week later (it is at least a week later since I started this), I am able to reconnect to read it and say - well, it may not be what I was chasing when I started, but I think this pretty much sums up what I really want to say about it now.

And I breathe in. And I breathe out. 

And I hit the publish button.

Today's Happiness Practice - Accepting Myself - Again.

 I love cycles. 

Until they relate to myself and my feelings and realizing things that I thought I had "conquered" are things I need to work on - work through - again. 

And again.

And AGAIN.

I mean, it makes sense. Intellectually. Every day is a new day. Every moment brings new connections and new adventures and new thoughts. When the old is cleared out, something else comes in.

And I don't live in a vacuum. So. Things I have figured out in a safe, secluded home environment when I am feeling healthy and I am well rested and I've done my exercising and connecting, are things I need to work through again when I am in a stressful situation. 

Or when I'm with friends.

Or when I'm with my partner.

Or when I'm at work.

Or when the butterfly flaps it wings three times when flying widdershins around a purple poppy. 

Things constantly change and grow and move and shift, even if it's slowly. Some fast and some slow. And maybe it's the slow things that are the worst. Because those are the things we can't point to and say, "Oh! That's why I suddenly feel this way!" We just are fine one day and freaking the heck out the next. Because a rock finally slipped into the ocean somewhere and cast reverberation throughout the stratosphere. 

So, today's happiness practice is accepting myself in this environment. Today. As things are happening today. Acknowledging  my reactions today, determining where I could have been better. Congratulating myself on where I stood and fulfilled my personal definition of happy and compassionate and beautiful.  And loving myself through it all.

Today is a very good day. Today I have permission to be myself, to live and love and experience and step away from. Today I get to say, yup, this is what I'm feeling, and I think this is why. And I get to figure out how to meld that in with the day's plans and the people I'm with so I feel we are all accepted and loved. 

And every day in every way, I and my household and my family and my friends and my world are more and more blessed. 

So may it be. May it be so. Amen.

Morning meandering - a cacophony (or symphony?) of thoughts

 Such a myriad of thoughts running through my head:

* living within this body is a daily practice; and just like brains or sexuality, there is no one true, set in stone, label that will follow this body for the entirety of its existence.

* if we're truly celebrating ALL diversity, why isn't there a white hetro-sexual male day?

* why does rooting for one person, team, group, perspective, political ideal automatically mean hate for all of the rest?

* We as human beings are still used to being in survival mode. It's how it's been for ages, yeah? Eons. But the human race has well and truly survived. Now it is time to turn to thriving mode. We don't need to spread or conquer. We've built our houses. Now it's time to make them comfortable. We've conquered all the lands (or most of them). The last frontier isn't space, it's inner being. Though I hesitate to say that because then there's going to be all sorts of machines and tests and pills and people trying to quantify and exploit the inner world.

* Why do I feel like I wasn't taught enough growing up? Sure there was math and english, history and social studies. But history is being rewritten and unwhite-washed; they changed math (happily one can't change how math actually works, simply how it's approached?); and honestly, what I learned in the class about politics doesn't seem to be relevant anymore. 

* was there a lot more respect for people 100 years ago? Even 50 years ago? Or were the communication distances simply farther apart, not instant? By the time we were able to express things, it could be done in a more "civilized" language? Or did people simply think differently because communication took longer, and thus required (or there was more time for) more thought?

* the coolest thing, to me, about the - i'm not sure how to phrase it - awareness "revolution" - the awareness of all the different ways that people feel (or don't feel) sexual and romantic attraction; the awareness of how many different ways people take in information, process it, express themselves; the awareness of how many different body types there are - and how many different ways we respond to pressure and medications and stimulus and herbs - the coolest thing about this awareness era is I don't feel like I have to fight anything anymore. I'm not breaking new ground when I express whatever facet of myself is feeling most triggered/stimulated today, because there's already something out there. I'm not leading a revolution or planting a flag or forcing awareness on anyone, not even myself. Which is awesome. Because everything is fluid. Everything! Labels help me work through a specific aspect of self, but then that label dissolves or is no longer relevant. 

I am looking forward to the day when there is no labelling, no coming out, no "normal". Where the journey is known to be all about figuring ourselves out, what we like, what we don't - from foods to clothes to people to how we contribute and connect with the world - each individually. There will be no freak flags to fly.

But then, will we still feel lost and alone because there is no banner of identity under which we can gather? 

Ugh. Trees are much easier than people. If you need me, I'll be out hugging one.

I hope your having a restful mind day,

-Lila

 

But wait, there's more!

 A friend and I were looking at things that are "blue shield." As I understand it, these are devices or objects which eminate frequencies to either counteract or overwhelm the EMF that is surrounding most of our lives these days.

The particular ones i looked at said they emitted frequencies that are similair to what is found in nature, and that our own... frequencies? energies?... would focus on or connect to those instead of to the more damaging EMF around us. 

And it sounds lovely, right? Nature frequencies. Yay! 

And I'm all about focusing on what brings you joy, on what works for you, on what you want. Well, on what I want.

But at the same time...

If you're like me, you have a cabinet full of pills and supplements you take every day. Aids to help the brain and body get through the day feeling a way we'd like to feel, aiding those things the body can no longer produce, be it hormones or hair growth or serotonin. Every time I set up those pills, I just sigh and want to cry a little. It seems ridiculous that I have to fill my body with foreign substances in order to feel closer to happy each day.

And I get the same feeling of frustration from the blue shield thing. Let's fill the air around us with MORE frequencies. Let's make it so crowded that, sure, we feel more energized and more in tune with our bodies, but we also feel claustrophobic and pressed and like there's no elbow room? To me (and this is probably just me) it sounds like the cure only contributes to other dis-eases. 

So what is the answer? I love my technology, I gotta say. I even have a way with it. It is just energy, after all. Granted it's energy programmed by humans, so...

But I also want peace in my brain. I want to feel space. I want the connection with nature to be what I choose. I want...

I want...

I want fewer products and more me?