Ascension

 It's a fuzzy feeling, kind of. Like I could just dissipate into a trillion atoms, with the gently sparkling effects one might see with Star Trek tractor beams or fantastical creatures turning into dust.

And the strange part is, I feel so connected. 

I'm not sure if I need to stay still a little longer. Exhale or inhale or hold my breath. Reach a little or pull back a little or just be.

Do you know how hard it is to just be when you're not sure how you became in the first place?

It started with the singing. The weekly song circle (of which I am an irregular attendant). The last few times had been - well, had felt extremely chaotic to me, in the midst of my already chaotic life. And then I lost the fight with the flu bug. 

I had been insure about going back except - I missed singing. and I missed hugs. and I missed the varied energies from the way people connect with the divine and the way they express themselves. A room full of people being (or learning to be) themselves fully and wholly and trustingly. It was - well, of course it was chaotic. And I enjoy witnessing the chaos, I just have never been a contributor when it came to music. 

Make a joyful noise?

So I went. And I sat on the floor - which turned out to be a little removed from the circle, which was okay with me. I am learning to be myself - which mean not matching others' energy or getting wrapped in the chaos if I want silence. I am learning, still learning, still practicing reaching in instead of out. Which becomes great stillness inside and a swaying on the outside. 

And the more I focused in, the more I could feel the great connection, which felt like it could lead to the great dissolve. 

In a way, it reminds me of that period right after the heart attack, when I felt such lovely peace and freedom and lifting. 

And I think I can do it. I think I can reach in, more and more, and connect more and more. And be weightless and solid and fuzzy and real, until it's time for me to dissipate into the Universal Song. And maybe this physical body (my current physical body) won't dissipate with me. But maybe it will. Maybe it will crumble and fall away and I will burst free, scattering to connect with earth and fire and water and air and the trees and the flowers and the crows and the squirrels and all of the songs and the rays of light and all of time and space. With so much love and connection, how can I stay a small ball? I must reach and connect and scatter and be.

From the heart.