Enlightenment is Awesome - Tell me what I want!

In the last few days of this wonderful transitional time, the song that has most often played through my head is by the Spice Girls.

But, I tend to change the words.

"So, tell me what I want...

Yeah, tell me what I want...

I really really really wanna...."

And I pause hopefully, waiting for some melodious voice to fill in the answer.

It never does, because what I want won't fit into so few bars of music.

I wanna read, write, sing, speak several languages fluently, travel all over the world, stay curled up at home, have a really cool job in a big company, be a spiritual counselor in my own store, bake cake and eat it.  I wanna ride horses, have dogs and cats and bees and birds and squirrels and wolves and white tigers.  I wanna dive into warm water, swim in mountain lakes, drive fast cars, drive cars fast (tee hee), take the light rail to work, walk to work, work from home, meditate all day long, dance half the day away, play the music loud, sit in silence.  I wanna hang out with friends, with family, have coffee in small groups and give large parties.  Oh yes, and I wanna play videos games, bake bread, sew skirts, crochet scarves, read the runes, reconcile bank statements, file books, meet authors, go to pagan festivals, attend CONS, grow flowers, have an assistant, study theology and philosophy and psychology and archeology, live on a boat, live on a farm, live in a commune, have a townhome exactly where my apartment is located, have all the money I'll ever need, not need to have money.  I wanna walk through the wildflowers on a snow covered mountain  next to the beach.  With a unicorn.  And Wesley Crusher from Next Gen.

In short, I want it all!  And given the way we've "tamed" the time/space continuum, that would take many life-times.  

So the question becomes not only, what do I want now?  Not even, what do I need now?  But, what, in a year from now, will I still be happy I've done?

And it appears going back to school for anything! is not currently in my plans.  I can daydream about studying Theology in Wales (and wouldn't that be AWESOME?  There's even a course where it's taught in Welsh!)   Also out is getting an accounting degree and going into forensic accounting - the ultimate puzzle job, in my opinion.  They would both be interesting and very involved careers, but...  all that time and energy, I would rather spend with friends, and husband, and family, and pets.  And nature and spirits, books and video games.  Oh yes, and music.

So, that's two things put on the "next life" list.  Or possibly a previous one.  Only 553 thousands more things to choose from.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila 

Not Really a Housewife

I like doing laundry.  I admit it.   I like sorting the colors.  If I had the time, space, and money I'd probably sort by material also.  I care about which laundry detergent I use and which dryer sheets.  I like the folding and the hanging and the putting away in neat stacks.

I do not iron.

I like vacuuming and sweeping.  Seeing the piles of dirt and the bits getting sucked away brings me happiness.  I even move things, and try to get under things.  I strive to do a good job, even when I thought I was just going to do a "quick turn".

I don't like mopping.  Or scrubbing.  I don't do windows.  I will do walls about once every two or three years.  Dusting only happens when we're rearranging the furniture.

I don't HATE to cook 'cause, you know, food.  Yum!  But given my druthers, I don't want to cook.  And I sometimes resent cooking for others.     

I think I like sewing.  I know I like crocheting. 

I don't remember to water the plants.

I don't consider myself a housewife.  I don't care enough about the overall home atmosphere.  And I am a "modern" woman, so I automatically have a shudder effect with the word "housewife".  It's a trained reaction which I hope to undo someday, for I admire people who can make a cozy place for others.  I admire caretakers - mostly from the viewpoint of one who is being cared for, true, but the admiration is sincere. 

Regardless, when I disdain dusting, I do it with pride.

But sometimes, my inner housewife comes out, puts on her "do-rag" and grabs her laundry basket.  And she's pretty proud about that too.

Enlightenment is Awesome - Teach me Again!

Ah, trusting oneself.  Practicing what one preaches.  Grasping onto the lifeline of happiness when one is amid the whirlwind of decision making.

Yup, Lila got sucked into the future vortex again and quit practicing a lot of stuff.  A lot of stuff.  Okay, that's not true.  I practiced.  I simply practiced less well than I would have liked.

So is she going to rant and rail against herself, spending precious moments berating herself and focusing on what she did wrong?  Not intentionally.  She's going to…  I am going to write about it instead.

The tenets that have been popping up in the last few days are these:

  We teach that which we most need to learn.

 Treat myself as I would treat others.

This has now become three posts in one, really.  Three different topics to focus on.  Or 4 or 12.  But we'll just focus on today (tenet #3) and write what I need to write.  We'll figure the rest out later.

I have been in a tizzy of non-decision making and over-eating and pain.  And who knows which comes first?  But (#4) does the why really matter?  Not in this case.

I have thousands of ideas running around inside my head.  Some are for writing, but some are for the future of my business, or the future of myself, or the possible future of the world.  All of which, by the way, could become writing ideas .  Heck, they could all be the same thing! So it's difficult to tell which is what.  Which is possible only on paper, and which is possible if I just have enough passion, desire, energy, courage, elbow grease, money, happiness, motivation…  ?

There are so many things I think would be fun, exciting, interesting.  Things I would love to try.  Things at which I would love to excel.  And since I do actually believe anything is possible, it's very easy to lose myself in a night full of "where is my passion, desire, energy, etc.?"

With all these ideas I sometimes feel like Hwel, the playwright in Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters.  And, as I said, I do get lost amongst them.  Drowning in the current of intentions and desires.  So I get out of the pool all together and  lose myself in video games and books.

Do I cast the runes, as I would for others, as I would advise others to do?  Not really.  Though I have done a very good job of doing the daily reading and the follow up post.

Do I meditate with purpose, as I would advise others to do?  Um, no.  I meditate, and let my thoughts run wherever they wish.

Okay, so then do I allow myself the time to swim through the raging river of ideas?  To relax and float and enjoy all the possibilities, even if they're things I don't really want to do?  Oh.  Uh, no.  Because they deal with something so important!  The future and my happiness.

Okay.  Did I at least enjoy the movies and the books and the food I escaped with?  Well….

And let's be honest.  Remember honesty?  The key to happiness?  No martyrdom is necessary, no drama is desired.  (I guess that's #5.)

Then yes and no.  I didn't enjoy all the food, which is frustrating, because if I'm going to imbibe more calories than I want to, I should at least enjoy them, right?!  Right.  But the books and the movies I very much enjoyed.  I laughed and cried and came out of myself for a little.

And then I did actually meditate with intention.  And I realized, I don't even know what the question is.  "What do I want?" is what I think the question should be, but there are so many answers I would be meditating all day!  "What makes me happy?"  Well, that's pretty much the same thing. 

So I let myself go, a little, to see which direction I was heading.  And then I found myself.  It was kind of like grabbing myself and giving myself a big hug, which brought me through all the yammering, clamoring ideas and down to the kernel of myself.

And the question became, "What should I do next?"

And the answer, "Trust yourself."

It took me awhile still to settle down.  I read some more.  And ate some more because I did enjoy the flavor and the texture.

And then I woke up this morning to clarity.  And remembrance.  A very important remembrance.

#6.  Today is what matters.  This moment.  This breath.  The TRUTH of this moment.

How have I gotten through every difficult moment?  By knowing it would end.  How have I stretched out and enjoyed every glorious happy moment?  By remembering to savor it, because it too would end.  And who knows what the next moment will really bring?  We cast our nets, put our hopes and thoughts out there and we trust.  Trust ourselves, because we are all part of the vast network of the universe.

Sometimes we receive things too late.  Sometimes we receive them too early.  Sometimes we choose things that feel utterly wrong 3 months later.  #7 - It's never right or wrong.  It's always learning.  And as long as I follow the truth of the moment, I can always be happy.  Always.

So yes.  We make decisions for the future.  What I want now and what I want later.  We are always balancing the two worlds, and trying to see things from the outside view to get the whole picture.  We are always influenced by others and we are always striving for nurturing and protection and healing and foundation.  We are every single rune, encompassed.  The known and the unknown.  We are infinite possibilities, every future and every past.  Every choice and every reaction.  WE are each all of those.

So, once more, I choose to be the choices that make me happy.  I choose what I want for this moment.  I choose to accept responsibility for myself and keep moving forward and exploring the hundred thousand different things I want to try no matter my perceptions of others' opinions.  I will trust myself.  I DO trust myself.  And I choose to be happy.  Now.

And since that is what I most wish to learn, I hope this has helped someone else do the same.

Thank you.  I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Perceptions & Realities: Did I do that?

Many years ago, I realized I had a yen for male voices - singing voices in particular, but the deeper a voice the more I liked it, speaking or singing.  I chalked it up to attending an all female high school.

I remember singing at a Christmas mass.  A cold caught me, and I was unable to reach the soprano notes I usually reached.  In fact, for that mass, I sang the bass line.  It was fun.  I liked it.

Though I love the power behind a well-executed high note which rings out across the audience, high shrill voices really hurt my ears.

And yes, the huskier the female lead the more I like the singer.  Yes, I love Cher's voice.  The depth of many blues singers hold me in thrall (and I don't really dig the blues, I just like the voices.) 

Which doesn't mean I don't worship at the altars of Celine Dion, Bernadette Peters and Aine Minogue; I just would rather sing Trisha Yearwood, Bette Midler and Pink.  And perhaps Alice Cooper, Neil Diamond and Train.  And seriously, in musical theater, who has the best songs?  the Phantom.  The Robber Bridegroom.  Pippin.  Joseph & the Narrator.  Rusty.  

The point of this is the following.  I went to see a laryngologist today.  A vocal ENT specialist.  I went because I have some interesting, um, qualities?  Abilities?  In my upper range.

Originally, I thought my limitations were due to a lack of singing.  And there's probably still some of that in there…  before this year I haven't formally sung for over 20 years.  (I guess singing in my living room so my neighbors could hear doesn't count.)  So yes, the muscles need to get into the swing again.  And, as you'll notice from my blogs about singing and life, there are still some breathing issues I'd like to relax away.

 

But it turns out there is another issue that learning how to breathe properly will never fix.

One of my vocal chords is shorter than the other.

I know.  Can you believe it?  What does that even mean?

It means, there are only so many notes I can reach above middle C.  Middle C!  I used to sing the G above high C!  I've lost a whole octave, because right now, the G above Middle C is the top of my comfort range.

I can sing pretty low, though.  Not quite as low as the red-head in Pitch Perfect after her operation, but pretty low.

And singing low is easy.  Perhaps too easy.  Perhaps I think I have to "work" at my singing to be a good singer, no matter the quality of my voice or my diction.

The doctor said it was some sort of nerve damage caused by a virus.  So who knows when or how.  But it makes me wonder.

Did I do that?  Mind over matter.   My appreciation of a lower voice.  My enjoyment of singing low.  Did I manifest an alto  range?  I mean, they often get more fun parts.  And they don't have to shriek.  And it's easier to breathe on the low notes.

Or, do I like all those things, am attracted to the lower notes,  vibrate (if you will) with the Altos (and/or tenors) because I have always had, or knew I was going to have, a shorter vocal chord?  And it's only now that it has become an evident issue?

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila