Ah, trusting
oneself. Practicing what one
preaches. Grasping onto the lifeline of
happiness when one is amid the whirlwind of decision making.
Yup, Lila got sucked
into the future vortex again and quit practicing a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. Okay, that's not true. I practiced.
I simply practiced less well than I would have liked.
So is she going to
rant and rail against herself, spending precious moments berating herself and
focusing on what she did wrong? Not
intentionally. She's going to… I am going to write about it instead.
The tenets that
have been popping up in the last few days are these:
We teach that which we most need to learn.
Treat myself as I would treat others.
This has now become
three posts in one, really. Three
different topics to focus on. Or 4 or
12. But we'll just focus on today
(tenet #3) and write what I need to write.
We'll figure the rest out later.
I have been in a
tizzy of non-decision making and over-eating and pain. And who knows which comes first? But (#4) does the why really matter? Not in this case.
I have thousands of
ideas running around inside my head.
Some are for writing, but some are for the future of my business, or the
future of myself, or the possible future of the world. All of which, by the way, could become
writing ideas . Heck, they could all be
the same thing! So it's difficult to tell which is what. Which is possible only on paper, and which is
possible if I just have enough passion, desire, energy, courage, elbow grease,
money, happiness, motivation… ?
There are so many
things I think would be fun, exciting, interesting. Things I would love to try. Things at which I would love to excel. And since I do actually believe anything is
possible, it's very easy to lose myself in a night full of "where is my
passion, desire, energy, etc.?"
With all these ideas
I sometimes feel like Hwel, the playwright in Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters. And, as I said, I do get lost amongst
them. Drowning in the current of
intentions and desires. So I get out of
the pool all together and lose myself in
video games and books.
Do I cast the runes,
as I would for others, as I would advise others to do? Not really.
Though I have done a very good job of doing the daily reading and the
follow up post.
Do I meditate with
purpose, as I would advise others to do?
Um, no. I meditate, and let my
thoughts run wherever they wish.
Okay, so then do I
allow myself the time to swim through the raging river of ideas? To relax and float and enjoy all the
possibilities, even if they're things I don't really want to do? Oh.
Uh, no. Because they deal with
something so important! The future and
my happiness.
Okay. Did I at least enjoy the movies and the books
and the food I escaped with? Well….
And let's be
honest. Remember honesty? The key to happiness? No martyrdom is necessary, no drama is
desired. (I guess that's #5.)
Then yes and
no. I didn't enjoy all the food, which
is frustrating, because if I'm going to imbibe more calories than I want to, I
should at least enjoy them, right?!
Right. But the books and the
movies I very much enjoyed. I laughed
and cried and came out of myself for a little.
And then I did
actually meditate with intention. And I
realized, I don't even know what the question is. "What do I want?" is what I think
the question should be, but there are so many answers I would be meditating all
day! "What makes me
happy?" Well, that's pretty much
the same thing.
So I let myself go,
a little, to see which direction I was heading.
And then I found myself. It was
kind of like grabbing myself and giving myself a big hug, which brought me through
all the yammering, clamoring ideas and down to the kernel of myself.
And the question
became, "What should I do next?"
And the answer,
"Trust yourself."
It took me awhile
still to settle down. I read some
more. And ate some more because I did
enjoy the flavor and the texture.
And then I woke up
this morning to clarity. And
remembrance. A very important
remembrance.
#6. Today is what matters. This moment.
This breath. The TRUTH of this
moment.
How have I gotten
through every difficult moment? By
knowing it would end. How have I
stretched out and enjoyed every glorious happy moment? By remembering to savor it, because it too
would end. And who knows what the next
moment will really bring? We cast our
nets, put our hopes and thoughts out there and we trust. Trust ourselves, because we are all part of
the vast network of the universe.
Sometimes we receive
things too late. Sometimes we receive
them too early. Sometimes we choose
things that feel utterly wrong 3 months later.
#7 - It's never right or wrong.
It's always learning. And as long
as I follow the truth of the moment, I can always be happy. Always.
So yes. We make decisions for the future. What I want now and what I want later. We are always balancing the two worlds, and
trying to see things from the outside view to get the whole picture. We are always influenced by others and we are
always striving for nurturing and protection and healing and foundation. We are every single rune, encompassed. The known and the unknown. We are infinite possibilities, every future
and every past. Every choice and every
reaction. WE are each all of those.
So, once more, I
choose to be the choices that make me happy.
I choose what I want for this moment.
I choose to accept responsibility for myself and keep moving forward and
exploring the hundred thousand different things I want to try no matter my
perceptions of others' opinions. I will
trust myself. I DO trust myself. And I choose to be happy. Now.
And since that is
what I most wish to learn, I hope this has helped someone else do the same.
Thank you. I hope you have a great day!
-Lila
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