How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila

Today's Happiness Practice - Am I respecting Today?

Today I am going to respect today.

I realized I have not been doing that. I have been treating "today" as a rehearsal.
      "When I get a real job, I'll need to get up really early. So I should practice for that."
      "When I have money coming in, I'm going to want to have hours set aside for writing. I should practice for that."
     "When I am living here, or doing that, or have this title, then I want my morning to be like this and my afternoons to be like that and I should practice for that."

But today I do have a real job. Two or three, in fact, writing being one of them. "Those who succeed, put in the work." I also have bookkeeping work. And Happiness work. And house work. And self care work. And Threshold Choir work.

And I want to connect and do and give and receive from that work today. Not tomorrow, or next month, or some nebulous "when I" time in the future. Today. I have all of today!

Which means treating today, and the work I have the opportunity to practice today, as real. Give today, and myself today, and the work I can do today, the same respect I would give a desk job.

Every time it snows, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I have anxiety, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I sit down and actually write something, I feel so connected and grateful.

So today I am going to respect that. Today is not practice for when I have work outside the home. Today is practice for today! How am I going to feel productive and accomplished today? Each action, each breath, I am going to respect myself, my energy level, and the needs of today.

And today I am going to remember that the word Practice simply means I don't have to "GET IT RIGHT" by some outside arbitrary value of right. Practice means I get to try things and see how they feel, how they work today. And in my world, that tends to be a bit less structured than in the corporate world.

And I am going to respect that.

Today, I am going to respect today. I am going to put my skills into practice for TODAY. I am going to live today.

Tomorrow will be soon enough to practice tomorrow.

I hope you have a great TODAY.

-Lila