How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila