Because today I feel like the Swamp Thing. (and this is unedited because I'm going back to bed.)
It's funny. I pretty much despise the CPAP machine, at the same time I have become superstitiously dependant upon it. (Oxygen is good for brain activity, they say.) Because of the CPAP, the only time I consciously breathe through my mouth is when I sing.
And when I am as stuffed up as I am today. And so, the fact that I am a mouth breather right now is almost worse than the mucas and the coughing and the headache and... there is not enough antibacterial stuff in the house,.
Because I can feel the air drying out my throat and I feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen for ANYTHING (which explains my poor decision making when I'm sick.)
And even worse than that is the guilt - which is not something I believe in but at the same time, I feel in huge quantities because I have clients and jobs and commitments and (since we're being honest) I mostly feel pissed off at myself because being sick means I'm not do ANY of the stuff I love to do, and I despise feeling grumpy and messy and like I've let everyone including myself down. (And so this is probably a public confession to make sure everyone knows how very terrible I feel both physically and mentally.)
But I'd be the first to tell anyone else that self-care is A-number one on the list. Oxygen mask, gotta have energy to give it, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So, what's the issue, Miss Happiness Practitioner (yeah, I get snarky when I get to this spot.)
Well, the issue is, this is like the third time this year that I've been ill. And I've had to cancel and rearrange and apologize and play with schedules multiple times because my time-management skills still need a lot of practice.
And, when I allow myself to take a moment, when the Happiness Practitioner is finally allowed into the center of self doubt and recrimination, I know that all of this is because I have been doing so much more than I'd been doing a year ago. AND I've been more consistently successful in my productivity and practice this year.
But, it is still a practice. I DO still need to work on timing and scheduling and realistic goals. I don't know how long some things take, and I don't really know what my acclimation time is until I do it. And I am obviously unable to go 100% all of the time - so if I don't stand up for myself, my body WILL choose my days off for me. And they won't be skipping through the forest days off either.
Happiness is actually the practice of Happiness, because this means I can turn a bitch post into a teaching and realization moment for myself.
Sure, I rarely had to call in sick in the three years before this one, because I didn't have a ton of commitments or people who were aware of how I spent my time. And maybe that's why it took so long to get back into the work force - because sometimes explaining myself, asking others for time, telling others I need time, well, it's still a task. Still something that takes practice. Still a habit to be developed.
(borrowed from others) "Every day in every way I am better and better." "I am happy, I am healthy, I am wealthy, I feel terrific."
And most importantly, every day I am my best; I live my truths, and I do what I can to make the world, my world, a better place.
Even if that means telling everyone I have succumbed to the nasty whatever that's going around this year. Next year, I'll have more health and fewer sick days.
Stay healthy, my friends.
And I hope you have a great day!