A dark and stormy night

It is a dark and stormy night.  And if another word is said, it's going to be a dark, stormy and deadly night.

I realize I am responsible for this situation I find myself in.  The dark and the storm are all inside my head.  But that makes it no less frustrating.

I have tried writing about peace.  Or about packs.  Or even just write a short story.  And nothing flows.  Because the outside influences do not play well with inside streaming.

I am the one allowing myself to feel irritated.  Peaceless.  Packless.  And definitely storyless.

There is no use and no sense in railing against the outside influences.  They are who and what they are.  They have as much right to be whatever they are as I have the right to be whatever I am.  Whoever.  Whomever?  The trick is in learning to adapt.  So let's find the real root of the problem.

I am annoyed because this is the third or fourth week in a row where I will be posting a last minute post to my blog.   I am not proud of this, even if this posts turns out well.  I like the process of writing it all out, then refining it.  It helps me learn what I am learning, and express what I am trying to express.  Coherently.  But once more I found myself staring at the calendar notification with nothing to show for my week of blog babbling.  And I have been jotting down ideas!

Today I at least tried to catch the wave on some of the feelings of the waiting ideas.  I will give myself kudos for that.  Especially since one of the posts is about inner peace…  how peace is supposed to come from releasing the resistance to outside irritations and letting them filter through harmlessly.

Yeah.  I'm gonna have to keep working on that.

But the posting process is also about practice, isn't it?  So far, my attempts to get something I feel is post worthy written before the deadline have been unproductive.  So it's time to change when & how I do the writing.

Does it have to do with  my perceptions of others' perceptions?  It's okay to "work" at writing when I’m alone.  But it's so hard to justify writing as "work" when others are present.  This is a perception I myself need to practice.  But perhaps if I actually produce things when I write, then I will feel like it is work - in the good and fulfilling sense of the word.

Rather like practicing my vocal exercises.  Today was my first official practice at home, and I could just imagine the thoughts in neighbors' heads.  They probably weren't even home!  And I haven't heard them talk, so who's to say how much they can hear of my singing?  But still, the auto-critic is quite happy to sit on my shoulder and point out how embarrassing their opinions might be.   And while I firmly believe their opinions are none of my business, still it helped to practice with earphones.  After a while, I will gain enough confidence to put the vocal lessons on the speaker and actually listen to my voice ring through the room AND out the open window!  La!

Similarly, it's time to find a way that works with my writing, so that my work actually produces some writing.  Currently (as in right now) that way seems to be writing when no one else is present.

I can do other things when others are present, like my 'Rithmatic.  All that paper and pens and calculators and beeps make it seem very official and respectable work.  And when outside influence start getting loud, I can slip on the headphones and the music won't influence my train of thought.  That's the beauty of numbers.

And when all is quiet on my front, I can write.  I can start my days with my worlds and ideas and philosophical thoughts.  Rather like  meditation, yes?  It seems almost self-indulgent, to play with my writing before I do the Rithmatic.  Or the Retail.

Yup, perception is queen.

So, still working it out.  Step by step.  Moment by moment.  Adjusting each thing as we go along.  And yay to me for continuing in the forward motion.

In fact, yay to all of us who are continuing forward.  Who adjust and adapt, who bob and weave, who acknowledge that one way doesn't work and so we try another way.  And another.  And another.

Because let's face it.  Murder and mayhem may seem like marvelous ideas in the middle of the dark and stormy night.  (Not to mention great story fodder.)  But in the light of the new day, I'd much rather look back at pages of writing, and feelings of productiveness, than have to worry about explaining the mess on my carpet to a jury of my peers. 

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila