It is a dark and
stormy night. And if another word is
said, it's going to be a dark, stormy and deadly night.
I realize I am
responsible for this situation I find myself in. The dark and the storm are all inside my
head. But that makes it no less
frustrating.
I have tried writing
about peace. Or about packs. Or even just write a short story. And nothing flows. Because the outside influences do not play
well with inside streaming.
I am the one
allowing myself to feel irritated.
Peaceless. Packless. And definitely storyless.
There is no use and
no sense in railing against the outside influences. They are who and what they are. They have as much right to be whatever they
are as I have the right to be whatever I am.
Whoever. Whomever? The trick is in learning to adapt. So let's find the real root of the problem.
I am annoyed because
this is the third or fourth week in a row where I will be posting a last minute
post to my blog. I am not proud of
this, even if this posts turns out well.
I like the process of writing it all out, then refining it. It helps me learn what I am learning, and
express what I am trying to express.
Coherently. But once more I found
myself staring at the calendar notification with nothing to show for my week of
blog babbling. And I have been jotting
down ideas!
Today I at least
tried to catch the wave on some of the feelings of the waiting ideas. I will give myself kudos for that. Especially since one of the posts is about
inner peace… how peace is supposed to
come from releasing the resistance to outside irritations and letting them
filter through harmlessly.
Yeah. I'm gonna have to keep working on that.
But the posting
process is also about practice, isn't it?
So far, my attempts to get something I feel is post worthy written
before the deadline have been unproductive.
So it's time to change when & how I do the writing.
Does it have to do
with my perceptions of others'
perceptions? It's okay to
"work" at writing when I’m alone.
But it's so hard to justify writing as "work" when others are
present. This is a perception I myself
need to practice. But perhaps if I
actually produce things when I write, then I will feel like it is work - in the
good and fulfilling sense of the word.
Rather like
practicing my vocal exercises. Today was
my first official practice at home, and I could just imagine the thoughts in
neighbors' heads. They probably weren't
even home! And I haven't heard them
talk, so who's to say how much they can hear of my singing? But still, the auto-critic is quite happy to
sit on my shoulder and point out how embarrassing their opinions might be. And while I firmly believe their opinions
are none of my business, still it helped to practice with earphones. After a while, I will gain enough confidence
to put the vocal lessons on the speaker and actually listen to my voice ring
through the room AND out the open window!
La!
Similarly, it's time
to find a way that works with my writing, so that my work actually produces
some writing. Currently (as in right
now) that way seems to be writing when no one else is present.
I can do other
things when others are present, like my 'Rithmatic. All that paper and pens and calculators and
beeps make it seem very official and respectable work. And when outside influence start getting
loud, I can slip on the headphones and the music won't influence my train of
thought. That's the beauty of numbers.
And when all is
quiet on my front, I can write. I can
start my days with my worlds and ideas and philosophical thoughts. Rather like
meditation, yes? It seems almost
self-indulgent, to play with my writing before I do the Rithmatic. Or the Retail.
Yup, perception is
queen.
So, still working it
out. Step by step. Moment by moment. Adjusting each thing as we go along. And yay to me for continuing in the forward
motion.
In fact, yay to all
of us who are continuing forward. Who
adjust and adapt, who bob and weave, who acknowledge that one way doesn't work
and so we try another way. And another. And another.
Because let's face
it. Murder and mayhem may seem like
marvelous ideas in the middle of the dark and stormy night. (Not to mention great story fodder.) But in the light of the new day, I'd much
rather look back at pages of writing, and feelings of productiveness, than have
to worry about explaining the mess on my carpet to a jury of my peers.
I hope you have a
great day!
-Lila
