Thursday, October 6, 2016

Breaking up with Texas

Who am I? How do I know if I'm really being the best me I can be?

And where do I feel most real?

Every time I come to Texas I expect a connection, a homecoming. And everytime I feel, well, the opposite. Grumbly and discontent and dizzy with all the height - which is really strange considering I'm from CO!

So I wander restlessly, trying to connect by exploring, trying to exercise enough to relax into my happier self. I sing in hallways and peer over railings. I try doors.

And then I come outside. And feel, well, first I feel warmer because the air conditioning inside makes me hope I packed enough winter clothes
- but I also feel ME again. Which is too bad cuz even if they'd let me sleep on this bench, I need to take a shower SOMETIME.

But I also still feel like an alien. And maybe it's the clammy air, or the faint (imagined?)  scent of salt in the air. And maybe it's just the low level pressure. But I know this is not home.

I love hearing the Texas drawl. And I'm proud to be a Texas Rose by birth. And I always link Texas to my Mom - so maybe I'm trying to create a connection that was never there.

I am grateful for Texas. But Colorado and I are soulmates. So I'm going to have to end this.

Be well, Texas. It's not you, it's me. We'll always be friends, right?

I hope y'all have a great night.
-Lila

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