"What's food got to do, got to do with it?"

"What's food, but a second hand emotion?"

I mean seriously! Today has been a roller coaster of emotion and practice and energy, and through it all I kept thinking about what food would be appropriate -
* To ground
* To console
* To process
* To celebrate
* To take a break
* To discuss (things over)

* and (now), to eat while writing - though that's actually more a replacement for smoking.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh! And to borrow a phrase WTF?!!

But, I finally stopped reacting in horror and frustration (because my body doesn't really want ALL the food my mind keeps saying I need) and I started thinking.

Thinking back to all the birthdays and report cards and milestone events and gatherings and work parties and after parties -  and every single event included food. Including the "What's your favorite...?"

 Even now, celebrations and gifts and "hang outs" include food. Coffee. Tea. Consumption of some kind.

And it's more than just something to do, though that is helpful. It's a feeling of security, maybe. "As long as there is food, there is life." Therefore, if I am eating, I am going to live. 

But it's not true anymore. In fact, some food can be deadly to some people.

And despite the automatic thought process, food does not bring comfort or emotional stability (though there is that whole blood-sugar/ "hangry" issue.) In fact, food often brings discomfort because I rarely find the exact thing that will balance the feelings, and so I keep craving and keep eating.

Well, that was the habit anyway. Now I'm practicing replacing it. And knowing that it was part of the habits of a life-time, and not "just" a fatal attraction to cake - well, knowledge is power. And in that case, that power is the power to say no.

But I am a little sad. All the wins I had today, all the things I am proud of today, all the ways I KNOW I did my best, and it was a best I would be happy to do again - all of today's movement forward and what I end up writing about is food. (apropos?) 

Because what does food have to do with my happiness? Well, when it's stuff my body can process and utilize for my health and well being, then it has a lot to with it. But when it's a substitute for something else - balance, breathing, facing the next difficult step, accepting awesomeness - well, then, it really has nothing to do with it.

Except to get in the way.

I hope you're having a great day!

-Lila