What do I call this?

Practicing what I preach, I guess.

Happiness is...
...the smell of moisture in the air.
...graham crackers, brie, and an earl grey latte.
...a Barnes & Noble recovery workout.
...feeling contentment settle back in.

I know I'm not the only one for whom 2017 started with a sizzle and turned into a raging inferno. So many choices that felt like there was no right way. So many times when the future was cloudy. So many temptations to crawl under the blanket and wail, "What have I done?!"

The answer is, made decisions. Took responsibility. Did the best I could do in the moment.

My hindsight is not 20/20. In fact, it's probably more myopic than my future sight. And all those alternative universes are naturally much more sparkly than this one, because they can be whatever story I make them, since I'm not actually living them.

Which is all a long way to say, once more I have had my 1st day of employment at Barnes & Noble.

Yup, I went back.

Home.

There are a thousand reasons bubbling in my head - I can dress my style; I can be myself; I can touch books; I can talk about things I understand; I can learn AND feel knowledgeable all at once.

But the main reason, the real reason, the truth is...

I walked into the store one day to buy a gift. Someone said, "When are you coming back to work?" And I said, "When do you want me?"

So here I am. Delighted. Ecstatic. Exuberant. So many changes and so much to learn. But I got to do so much: receive money; enter data; talk about books; feel my brain start to wake up again; have sore legs and sore feet (oh my feet!); wander through every section of the store except fiction; exchange hugs; see old friends; read a book on my break with other people reading books on their breaks...

I don't know how long this will be. The future still is cloudy. I'm not even going to predict the sun will rise tomorrow.

Cuz, you know, the sun never rises tomorrow. It always rises TODAY. 😎

And I know today, right now, I hope this lasts a good, long time. Years. Decades even. Happily, joyfully, selling books to people who want to buy them. Sharing something I love. Being content and feeling like myself in every part of myself.

Happiness is.

May it ever be so.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Youth to Wise

inspired by a post from Lissa Rivero Sanders

Dedicated to all the wise women & men who offered their teachings, whether or not I accepted.

Dear Wise:

Wise, it is true,

we rush to take our place.

We oft forget to hold the space

for beauty.

Wise, it appears

we are cold and hard as steel,

And we speak but do not feel

Compassion.

We can't wait to dance away.

  We will always come back to hear you.

Wise, it does seem

that as we strive and fret

We rush courtesy and forget

our kindness.

As we find our path

through the changes of each day,

It is easy to dismiss the way

it's always been.

We are a little envious because we know

  we are building on the foundation you have created.

Trust us, as we trust you.

Believe, and we'll come through.

For it is your world too,

While you are here. 

We will let you go grudgingly.

And through the cycles of life,

through the dance of time and space,

The bridge we build together will always be a place

Of love and honor.

Patience and Kindness.

Integrity and Strength.

i hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Transition Vortex

Transitions are difficult.  Change is difficult.  We live our lives in patterns, in routines.  We train to act and react a certain way.  We learn skills, become proficient, we "manage" our time.

And every time we change something, we have to relearn something.

Let's take the big one -- moving.  Even if you keep the same job, you're going to have to find a new way to get there.  (Even if you work from home, it's a different path from new kitchen to new office.)  The temperature in the house will be different.  The air is different.  The light is certainly different.  As is the ambient noise.  Most likely, with a move, there is finding a new grocery store.  New health care options.  New schools.   New restaurants.  New shortcuts.  New views.  Perhaps a new favorite time of day, as a result of the light and the noise and the view.

And even if you leave out  the decision making process prior to the move, and the chaos of actually moving; dealing with  the new patterns, the new input, the new things to learn, is a transition vortex - a whirlwind of emotional, physical, mental imbalance.

Some changes, transitions, moves feel easier than others.  Yes, there is the inherent chaos and the overwhelming desire to return to the contentedness of routine, but the underlying drive of fulfilling goals is enough to propel us through the vortex.  And, when a moment out of time is needed, there are always the comfort items: the fuzzy blanket; the special food item; the song; the book; the video; the person.

But what if you're changing yourself?  What if you are moving from identity to identity?  What if you are retraining your choices to achieve a physical and mental you that is aligned with your faith, your personal body preferences, and the ability to achieve what you want to achieve?  In other words, what if you ARE striving for enlightenment?  (Disclaimer [read really fast] - this poster believes every  person's enlightenment is individual and unique, and therefore does not intend to assume everyone reaches it in the same way.)

For example, if you are trying to keep momentum and energy in your life, your music choices probably need to be  upbeat and driving, not poignant.  Less "I'll Always Love You"   and more "I'm Free!"

But what if "Goodbye to You" is a song you love to sing at the top of your lungs when you're feeling particularly despondent?  And, in the midst of your transition, there is a day where you're ready to throw in the towel.  And you set up the mp4 player, and you crank up the stereo, and you're halfway through belting out the song…

…and you realize it just doesn't do it for you anymore.

The song is sad and beautiful and even empowering, but it no longer soothes you.

What do you do?

I don't know.  What do YOU do?

The best "do" for me, currently, is to find something productive, even if it is cleaning out emails.  Because it turns the frustrated energy back toward the goal.  This could be why someone suddenly becomes successful… the more they put into their goal, the less comfort they get from old habits, so they turn back to the goal for comfort.

But I am still hunting for a new, perfect song.  Because working, as much as I need it for my current transition, isn't taking a break, isn't a balm to my soul, doesn't flow into the pained crevices like the old comforts did.  Even my posts, which usually include some form of humor or lightness, seem to be crying out from a deep well of sorrow.  Which should be awesome, right?  I love wallowing in deep wells.

Sometimes.

Well, I used to.

But.

My favorite food items don't taste good anymore.  My snuggle stuffed animals are ready for new homes.  And if I hear one more weepy song come from my stereo, I may scream.

Welcome to my current Transition.

Awesome.

Though, actually, in fact... 

...it really is awesome to be able to understand why this one has been more fraught than others.   Because everything is changing.  Including the things that help me rise above.

 Maybe I'll explore rap music.  Hmmm.

-Lila

If You're Like Me - suffering is bogus

If you're like me, you've never felt suffering was necessary for art. Or for any form of success, for that matter. Sure, strength of character can be built out of a desire to leave an untenable situation, but such situations are not a necessary ingredient for success!  Desire can be felt without despair; will power can be honed without helplessness.

But, if you're like me, despite the positivity you’ve learned at your father’s knee, regardless of the support and love and will power and faith, you’ve been sucked into the transitional vortex that has infected so many.  It may have been easier for you than for those around you, or it came at a more convenient time, or you simply had more time to prepare.  And, if you’re like me, you were grateful to have gotten off so easy.  Comparatively.  For you were floating were others were flailing.

But emotions do not measure trauma by events in others’ lives.  Emotion is totally and completely and rightfully concerned with “Me!” And now that the shock is over, now that the clinging and making it work and the need for strength is passed. . .  Well, if you’re like me, the breakdown has happened.  Is happening.  Will happen for the next little while.  And you find yourself, somewhat to your astonishment, climbing out of your own personal pit of despair.  You are forging your own path because the traditions, the patterns, the lessons of “the before” seem useless in the now.  You are building your own tunnel through the chaotic energy around you.

And the light at the end actually seems to be the light of success.  Dreams seem about to come true.  Hard work is preparing to pay off.  The Universe has finally set a delivery date for the order you placed many years ago and it doesn’t even have the grace to look sheepish about it.

The frustration of it all, the simple fact that you had to suffer before succeeding, is almost enough to make you turn back to the pit and wallow in the despair for a little while longer.  How dare it?  How dare the Universe go against the very core of your belief in self?  Why now?  Now of all times?  Why not a year ago?  Or even six months?  Why now?  Appreciation be blessed.  You can take this success and. . . 

. . .And.  If you’re like me, now we come to the sticking point.  Because, let’s face it, we have been working toward this moment, this light at the end of the tunnel, the peak at the top of the mountain, the credits at the end of the movie, for so very long.  Our indignation may keep us warm, but it won’t keep us fed, and it certainly won’t fulfill our dreams.  Our desires.  Our success.  Our art!

So.  If you’re like me, if comes back, always, forever, to the art.  To the dream.  To the need to be (shrug) whatever it is we are.  Cause if we don’t move toward that light now, we’ll just end up digging another tunnel.

So let’s take it now.

If you’re like me, it’s been a long hard road; harder than it should have been, harder than it ever had to be.  And fear is raising it’s head, even as we reach for the physical symbol of our success.  But if you’re like me, you’re gonna reach anyway.  And you’re gonna grasp that trophy, that degree, that contract, that check, the keys or the clothes or the jewels with both hands.  Because you are awesome and you did work hard and you deserve every good thing on which you can get your hands.

If you’re like me.