Friday, July 21, 2017

Can one be sad in Happiness Practice?

Yes, it turns out one can.
But it takes others to tell you.
Or it takes others to tell me, anyway.

Because when one is a Happiness Practitioner (say it with importance,) one KNOWS one has the tools. Therefore one should use them, right? (Physician, Heal thyself!)

But sometimes -- and when things get really full and frantic, sometimes one can't see the trees for the forest --  sometimes, one misses things.

 I think I'm whizzing along, practicing all my steps, or at least aware of what I'm not practicing, and I can feel there's something missing, but I just can't tell what it is, and I write and I read and I search and I play and sing and drink and eat (and stop eating and stop drinking) and I grasp at possibilities, but there's still no forward movement and I'm searching and I'm believing, and I can't find the comfy blanket!

And I totally deny being sad, because of course I'm not sad. Working through things, yes; introspective, sure; choosing between two equally looming and potentially positive possibilities, definitely.

Feeling a hole in the center of my heart and I really don't know why? Yes.

I'll be honest. I thought it was because a book had broken my heart. (Teen books can be devastating.)

But actually, I'd forgotten that there were more than two possibilities. There are ALWAYS more possibilities.

Happily, I have been getting better and better at listening to myself and asking for help, so I had already set up a reading with Lois from Spellbound. (Yes, the woman who makes my hair feel special. She rocks. I highly recommend her.)

And also happily, my best friend Sheri has been yanking me back from the Bog of Eternal Stench (I smell nothing!) and reminding me that "We don't play the limitation game, anymore."

And through Lois, the Universe reminded me, very nicely, very gently, but in no uncertain terms, that I am a writer.

Which, as I look back, I realize I had been trying to tell myself for the last week. Or two. Or ten. Or two years. Or…

But Oh! The resistance!

I feel like I've locked myself in that dark room I've been fumbling around in - oh, wait, I never posted that piece.

I can't see how this can work, when it hasn't worked before. And yes, I have finished and submitted and self-published three other books.

But. Happiness isn't about knowing HOW it can work.

Happiness is about knowing that it CAN work.

This is where faith comes in, Lila.  The hard faith. The deep faith. The "take a deep breath and step off the cliff" faith.

Because, for me, believing in Glorious Omnipotent Divine (GOD) is easy. So easy. I've been talking to Him, Her, Them, Us, All since I heard the song "I have a friend in Jesus." And I have felt the connection to Spirit since I learned the song "Eagle's Wings." I once wanted to be a nun.

Even as I worked my way through pantheons and belief systems and associated music, I have never been Spiritually alone.

No, the hard faith, believe it or not (ha, ha) is in myself. Here. Alone. In this room. With my best friend asleep so many miles away, and my peeps each in their own houses living their own lives, and my husband asleep in the next room - heck, even the cat is asleep right over there.

It's just me. Here. No music.  Not helping others or listening to others or writing about others. Sometimes remembering to breathe. Me.

Asking not what I can do for the world, but what I can do for myself.

So here's what I can do for me today - and believe me, once my eyes were open and focused and the heart filled and the unacknowledged sadness dissipated, so many signs and omens and doors and possibilities have been crowding into my mind that I almost can't think straight enough to type, but I'm sure going to commemorate my metaphorical grasping of the pen once more with words -

So, today…

Well, actually, today Lois the Universe asked me if I would work on my book about Happiness and get it out there - anywhere and everywhere. And I said yes. (yay me!)

And since I'd brought all my guides and guardians, unicorns and elements in with me, I kind of have to do it.

Anyway, today another friend said, of a creative project she is working on, (and I paraphrase): "I am going to talk about it and talk about it. And the good energy of so many people focusing on it will help it grow strong."

So I am going to practice talking about it - the writing. My writing. My book. I'm going to talk about my book. And I'm going to allow the good energy of the people who believe in me to help me manifest my heart's desire.

It must be the right choice. I am so fucking scared right now.

And so blessedly relieved.

Yes, there is sadness in the Happiness practice.

Happily, there is also shouting and arm waving and friends who provide assistance before our dreams drift away to join the "Big black horse and the cherry tree" that KT Tunstall sings about.

Thank you.

And I hope you have a great day!

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