ask not what this country can give to you

So, when travelling to a new place in the states, or even when going into a new store, I have often had a feeling of hesitancy. Of being a foreigner. Of wondering who I'm going to offend by going in the wrong direction or getting the rules wrong. "They will all laugh at you!" 

Now, when travelling to a new country, there is the expectation of difference. There is the knowledge that as soon as I open my mouth, I'm going to be heard to be a foreigner, There's a kind of freedom in that. People don't expect me to fit in, so I don't have to? And I don't expect them to be what I'm used to, so the curiosity and exploring part is triggered already. 

However, in my latest travels, it's the strangest thing... there is no feeling of strangeness.  I still expect the names to be different, the words that fall upon my ears to be incomprehensible. But trees are trees. And the grass is green. There's gluten free things on the shelf, recycling to figure out, and the wine bottles are the same shape in this country as in the other. 

I realized that since this trip was more about my friends than it was about the country, I didn't come in with a desire to be dazzled or swept off my feet, or shown marvels. No fairy tale expectations. no secret yearnings of Hallmark moments or doorways to fairy lands, or discoveries by famous local musicians. This was never one of the "must see before I die" places of my heart. So there's a lot less riding on the visit.

And I also realized, this morning, that without that, that "wow me" setting turned on, I am interacting more freely with the environment. I am connecting and contributing? I am bringing myself to this country, as well as being a tourist in it. 

Truthfully, I am not acting much different here than I do at home - I am taking pictures of beautiful things, pausing to listen to birds and watch cats, admiring the clouds floating by, humming to the wind, touching trees and smiling at strangers. Maybe that's the thing. I am interacting as me, instead of holding myself apart, expecting to be amazed or dazzled or made a victim of.

And maybe that's the secret of any visit or interaction, with the known and unknown. "I gotta be me." And they will be they. And together, we will create a new being, a new moment, a new event, of us.

Morning Meandering - May 13

 Oh my goodness, is routine helpful.

When on vacation, I've heard, and said, oh try this - you're on vacation. Oh, do that, you're on vacation! Like it's a reason to through daily routines and dietary preferences out the window.

But really, what does that create? Well, if you're like me, it creates a lot of discomfort and confusion. 

I have learned which morning and evening (finally!) routines help me feel like the best me. A me I like to be. Even during difficult days. They don't "fix" everything, but they help dress me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and often physically.

I have learned which foods feel worse than others in my system. What certain teas or drinks will do to and for me. What kind of exercise is great and what kind of stretches can help alleviate the TOO MUCH!

Now, when travelling, I don't always get the choice of foods. I might not have the same space and I certainly won't have the same set up as at home for my stuff and my exercises. The schedules aren't necessarily under my control. I'm "stuck" with the choice of clothes and items I decided to pack. And there may be decisions to do events or go on adventures despite a low energy level or physical discomfort. Because I'm there and i want to. 

But it is so helpful to keep in mind what kind of morning routine is helpful - connecting, waking up the body, waking up the brain. Which teas are helpful. And closing down for the night, since the days can be full of stimulus and emotional overwhelm. 

So yeah, when I hear, in my head (or hear myself say) - oh, but you're on vacation! I'm trying to remember to add the answer "Yes, and I want to enjoy the whole thing!"

Daily Meandering - Normal equals Trauma?

I had a lovely childhood. I know I was loved; my parents told me I could be whatever I wanted; I was given many good hugs and music and skills for believing in myself. I do believe my parents did their best every day.

And still, as I learn more about myself, I sometimes look back at my childhood and feel traumatized. 

One of my books, Not Really a Murder Mystery, has a main character who was a victim of torture.  - I don't like those things, by the way. I have a difficult time reading them myself, and honestly, the only way I could do that to one of my characters was to say she was so busy believing in her rescue that she didn't actually feel the pain. And honestly, whenever I reread it, one of my first thoughts is, wow, a psychologist would have a field day with this. I even had a reader tell me that I did a good job describing the mental state of a the victim afterward, and she wasn't going to ask what I had been through.

To my knowledge, I haven't actually been through any kind of physical abuse or intentional harm at the hands of another being. (Cats excluded.) But I have never, ever liked the idea of torture. 

On Facebook the other day, I read a snippet of someone saying their parents had gaslit them a lot growing up. That made me think too.

Because I can say that part of my childhood memories, or trauma, is feeling like I never understood what people wanted, what or why they were doing things, what was going on around me. One of my oft used phrases these days is "Did that make sense?" because I'm not confident that I am expressing myself in a way that is understood. Sure, we're all using the same words, but our definitions are often drastically different. (Like saying something is bad. Is it really bad? As in not good? Or is it bad, as in to be admired?) 

In how many ways was I harmed, unintentionally, by my parents and teachers and family's and friends' desire to comfort and care and keep me safe? By someone else exclaiming that their truth was THE truth? by the insistence or expectation - even of myself about myself - that I be a certain type of person, act a specific way, perform within these parameters, fit into this mold?

In how many ways am I experiencing trauma reactions because I never have, even when I tried really hard, fit the "norm"?

Okay, I feel it, now what?

 S, one of the Happiness Practice steps is "how does it feel, physically?"

I am at an uncomfortable weight. Comparisons and body positivity aside, I dislike how massive I feel, how everything seems to cling uncomfortably, how I take up so much more space than I used to. 

At the same time, I have never felt more solid - and by that I mean, physically present, confident in myself, powerful. Capable. Well able. I am HERE. I am no longer a frail human, who needs assistance - okay, I don't feel like one - hmm, maybe I just feel less vulnerable. Strong in my abilities, which helps make it easier to accept assistance because knowing what I'm good at means being okay with feeling less skilled in other areas.

So, I literally and, probably, figuratively brought this on myself. Because I wanted to feel those things. I was tired of feeling like I had to be taken care of. I imagine anyone whose had a major illness or physical injury which lasts longer than a few days gets the residue affect of feeling frail, of wondering how it happened, where it came from and WILL IT HAPPEN AGAIN?! And those around us are hovering, watching, and it reciprocates when others have a difficulty and we are flashed back to our fragility, and  we all get into the cycle of caution for ourselves and for others. 

And I wanted to walk out in the world unafraid. Secure in the knowledge that I am held safely in the hands of the Universe, and confident in my own abilities. Strong enough to attempt things and wise enough to know when I have to ask for help.

So here I am, physically feeling like I always thought I looked in pictures (horrible, two dimensional, blob). And reveling in the feeling of strength and PRESENCE while despising the physicality. 

And I am believing so blessedly hard that the only reason I am here in this current form is to cement the feeling of capability, confidence and strength. And that I will be able to slenderize, so I can be comfortable, make room around me, and still feel solid. 

Or, maybe, I just need to realize that growing sideways will not ever, ever, ever, make me any taller. I might be able to lift the box, but I still can't reach the one on the top shelf without a step ladder.

Either way. I am ready to be a little more compact again. While still feeling strong, capable, and solid.

Compact? 

Hmpph.

Boundaries vs Empathy

 A while back,  I saw a friend's post on Facebook; it said "I am training to make my Boundaries stronger than my empathy."

At first, this is a difficult thing to contemplate; at least if you're like me. How to turn off the empathy? How to not connect to each and every person I come in contact with?

But let's look at it another way. 

Let's think of it in terms of authors. There are millions of writers out there - trillions? of books available. There is no possible way to read them all, even if I had the inclination. But I don't want to read them all anyway. I like specific types of books; I like specific authors. I have guidelines, criteria, for reading that brings me joy. You could call that boundaries. 

Okay - the same applies to food right? There are a thousand different kinds of food and another thousand ways of preparing them. I know that I like some things and don't like others and sometimes like others - depending on the way they're cooked. I also know some things are really good for my body and some are uncomfortable. So I make choices; I have criteria. I put boundaries in place for my consumption so that I am comfortable and strong and happy and aware. (Or sometime uncomfortable but still really happy. Can you say green chile salsa?)

Okay. Let's get a little closer to the empathy thing - let's talk about donations and volunteering. You can't turn a corner without seeing something or someone requesting money. Whether it's Patreon or tithing; donating at the counter of the grocery store or helping a neighborhood kid with a college fund. Special interest groups and focused appeals go out every single day - and burn up our phone lines as well. And they all want us to feel guilty for not giving directly to them instead of to someone else. But we each have XX amount of money or time to give.  Even the richest person I know has a finite amount of money available for distribution at a specific time. Even a person with gobs of free time only has 525,600 minutes in a year. So choices are made - interests are defined. Limits, and thus boundaries, are placed.

And if we think of empathy as something physical - as a coin to spend or book to read - we realize that we can only "care" so much. The cup runs out, the interest depletes, the ability to look outside ourselves and connect with another person dwindles. We only have so much focus to give before we are finished and wind up sitting in the bed with the covers over our head wondering why we feel so bad. And empathy is focus, it's putting ourselves in another person's shoes and "feeling" their situation. Sometimes blotting out our own personal situation.

So let us know our edges. And let us be strong enough to "just say no", put on our own oxygen mask first. And let there be healthy boundaries.

But I don't wanna!

 They say "With great power comes great responsibility." 

So, how many of us "just say no" because the thought of great responsibility is overwhelming?

I want to feel powerful. I want to find my passions. I want to be good at what I'm doing and enjoy the moment. I want to have the freedom of body and soul and finances and rights and abilities. I want to be able to choose. 

But I don't want to feel like I have to become a leader, or write a book, or have a blog, or sell a product, or share my talents. I want the freedom to be able to say no. To choose who I share with. To use those gifts and passions just for me. Or just my way?

And I don't want to be the answer to anyone else's questions; I still have a lot of my own. And I've seen, in macro- and microcosms, that as soon as you stand out, people are glommed on, dissecting and prying and trying to get a piece - either by being a number one fan or by trying to find all the dirt. 

I'm not sure why people are attacking these days. Maybe we're all scared of learning something or being known for something or just feeling the pressure of too many choices or not enough or not the right ones. And I can understand and sympathize and still not want to be the attackee. What did I grow up learning? You put yourself out there - for your faith, for your truth - you're gonna be crucified. I guess that hasn't really changed, has it?

So yes, I want to have the power. To do what I want, feel what I want. To grow in my experiences and know that I am being "all that I can be." But, I also just want to quietly go my way without feeling any sort of obligation to be a Name or a Brand or a Leader. I want my life to be about what I can experience, not an obligation about what I can do.

Is that bad? To want power (of thought or deed or skill or whatever) that improves my life, and not want to feel the obligation to immediately go out and make other people's lives better? But how can it be bad... I'm a person too.

Not the Right way ➤⮜

 I am ambidextrous in some things - using a fork or a spoon (though not a knife 🤔); ten key and mouse; with screwdrivers and hammers. Playing the piano (is that really ambidextrous though?). Heck, I can play the guitar (very simply) with the neck on either side - though I guess that means sometimes I am playing it upside down.

Let's just say there are many times I can use whatever hand is available for the task, instead of having to shift everything. 

One of the things I am working on, however, it writing with my left hand. I have lovely penmanship, when I want to, with my right hand. But my left - eesh. I can barely read it sometimes, and I pride myself on my ability to "translate" handwriting. (I do. It's in my resume 😁).

And, in an attempt to improve, I seem to spend a lot of time comparing the differences - not just of how the final result looks, but of how I hold the pen, and how it feels to form the letters, and how I have to set the paper. And i think that comparison is impeding my progress.

My left hand and my right hand are going to have 2 different experiences. For one thing, we're coming at the paper at a completely different angle. When I'm using my right hand, it's like I'm leaving this trail of ink behind. But using my left hand, I am leading with the ink, and continually pass over it to the next word, phrase or thought. I am pushing the pen instead of pulling the pen. Writing with the left hand moves into my body instead of away.

And of course, there's the years (continuous) of practice for the right versus the days (accumulated) for the left.

So what works for the right hand is not necessarily going to work for the left. Which is kind of making my brain hurt. Because that means, I have to let myself figure out how the left hand does it, all on its own. We have the basics, but the execution will be unique. 

And if that's not a metaphor for life...