Just a little... more

 So, if you're like me, it's been a very full, often frustrating, "Calgon take me away!" set of weeks, maybe even months. 

First, I want to say - I chose all of this. Not intentionally, necessarily - I mean, I didn't say "oh, I want to be so busy and have so many balls in the air it feels like I'm not actually present in my own life." But first there was this once in a lifetime event I really want to do. And then there was THIS one time only event for a group I really want to give energy to. And then, well, it looked like the best time to fit this thing in, because I need to do it once a year, and this, well, this is my job and I like my job and, oh crabapples - this is the busy time of year. I don't have to ask myself "What was I thinking?" because I know exactly. And on paper, it all fit into nice neat little calendar squares and time slots. No problem

But things take longer than I think they'll take.

And part of the time crunch is I'm also working on self care, which includes exercise and connecting with people. And then there's preparing for the once in a lifetime things, which actually takes up a lot of brain power and time these days. So then we're back to self care which includes some reading and tv, but more importantly finding things to read and watch that appeal to me, instead of just consuming junk. 

And it's so easy to get frustrated with myself and with others when whatever I'm doing doesn't actually contribute to the things I want to be doing - like a traffic jam on the way to work or a story being told that doesn't apply to the question asked or finding myself distracted by "reels" on social media when I did actually get on the site for a particular purpose... Let's just say my patience wears thin and that adds to the overall air of "AAAAARGH!"

BUT! I have been working on breathing. And keeping my heart open (even with myself!). And taking a moment, just a moment to just let things be, to release connection. And the other day, oh, the other day, I realized that I had lasted just a little longer before getting frustrated. And it took me less time to remember to breathe. And I was able to disconnect from unwanted things (instead of grumbling about why people would want this crap - sorry, stuff - in their lives anyway; after all, I imagine some of the stuff I like to read others would consider crap); I was able to disconnect for just a second more.

And the realization of this, oh, it was like realizing that I am able to stretch just a little farther. The most amazing sense of personal accomplishment and, even better, the knowledge that with this step an even bigger step is possible. 

I can be the happy, rested, exuberant, busy, self-care and best of all "AAARGH" free person I prefer to be. It's not going to happen all at once. There are totally going to be ebbs and flows, waxing and waning, some days easier than others. But each day, each moment, there is the amazing possibility of stretching, breathing, releasing, caring, just a little more.

And that is awesome.

May we all have just one more breath today, than we did yesterday, of beauty, peace, resilience, love, hope, connection - whatever feeds us most.

Looking for my mountain top

 I feel like it's time to go looking for my mountain top - my place to settle in, make everything just so for my joy and satisfaction, and then dispense my wisdom to all and sundry as they come strolling by.

Now, I identify as an introvert - and when I am done people for the day, I am DONE. But I do like people. Family and friends especially. So I don't want an actual hike for day, tote your own water, internet free mountain top. I myself will be travelling to and from, you know, for like groceries and new tech toys and going to visit people who won't come visit me; not to mention how blessed cold actual mountain tops can get. Yeesh no.

And I love trees and seeing animals and rivers, so its gotta be someplace with healthy growth, but not too growthy - like, I don't want to deal with scorpions and mold everywhere. (Yeah, I have preferences. That's what living is for, figuring out what works for me.) So maybe a foothill, as opposed to an actual mountain.  Or a forest with a river. Though I can't walk barefoot in a forest - at least, not anymore. But that's okay because there will be a lovely packed, tree-lined path, leading from my cottage door to the river side. With plenty of space to put flower pots and squirrel feeders and a table for entertaining guests. Yes, that sounds like a lovely, peaceful place.

And I imagine that there will be days I just want to jump up and run around and share my awesome life with others (aka dispensing wisdom) - and when the urge comes I want to be able to just get up and go (again, no mountain top. Easy access to navigable roads.)

But mostly, the desire is just be. Literally. Just sit in one spot and be part of the nature, part of the scenery, watching the clouds go by and the river roll and the grass grow. And let the sun bake into my skin. 

Mmm. Yup I am ready to find my "mountain top."

Diagnosis - Human

 These days there are a lot of things that could be "wrong". A lot of symptoms to freak out over; a lot of confusion over "symptoms". Cancer or cold? Indigestion or heart issues? Hungry or in pain? 

And then we start worrying about others. Has she always acted this tired and lethargic? Has he always had that little sniffle? They've had a lot of stress in their lives. That bug is going around.

So how do we know? And how do we have a conversation without alarming or stressing out the object of our concern? If it's a memory thing, do you take witnesses, so you know that YOU'RE remembering the meeting correctly? If it's an internal thing, do you press the issue? 

And in my experience, it's hard to get an appointment with a doctor these days - so if they actually get one, will they even remember why we  suggested they get the appointment?

What is the difference between forgetful and early onset Alzheimer's? Where is the line between out of breath and COPD or Asthma? When is it okay to express concern and when do we not mention it to help avoid calling attention to a weakness?

And the biggest question of all - am I focusing on their "symptoms" because I'm worried about myself?

Being human is a lot of work. 

Vacation vs Adventure

I have been on a lovely vacation which was filled with a lot of nothing.

Yesterday, my host said, apologetically, "But we haven't done anything!" And I grinned and said, "Exactly. It was wonderful!"

I do love going to the beach, and exploring little shops, and finding amazing gardens and wondering through cemeteries. I enjoy scenic gondola rides and hikes (walks) up small mountains and white water rafting (okay, not really that one) and checking out dance clubs. I am happy to explore new foods and local pubs. It's all part of that "world traveler/adventurer" label I enjoy wearing sometimes.

But when I think vacation, when I think "gotta get away", what I'm getting away from is the frantic do, do, do! Projects for work and projects for keeping the home in peace, and food and exercise and spiritual attention, and am I answering all of my emails (always a no) and am I meeting all of my obligations - which are self imposed, chosen, enjoyable! but are still obligations. 

So these days, when I go on vacation - even though I can't "get away" from the news or the emails or the nagging feeling I left something undone - I want to do... nothing.

Granted, nothing for me does mean some emails or checking in at work; but it's in a relaxed environment and it's totally my choice and, best of all, it's in the company of those I'm visiting. The BEST vacations are the ones where we're all just sitting around - or puttering around the house - doing our thing. We flow together to play games and eat and converse; we flow away to nap and read and exercise and work. We share tidbits of the day, random delights and esoteric thoughts. We're just being. Together.

This last vacation, I didn't even spend much time contemplating the beauty of the world. I mean, I sat outside (I was outside when I started this post) and I listened to birds and watched the clouds and felt the wind.  But there was no marveling, no deep thoughts (except, you know, when I'm writing), no active communing with nature. I just sat there at let it all wash over me. Just being.

This has been a truly lovely vacation. And I am very grateful to everyone who just hung out and existed with me. I love you.

Packing is fun! (read the sarcasm)

 Packing is a very frustrating exercise. There are so many things to balance! And I feel like I'm limiting myself - pre choosing is a lot of brain power... what do I want to wear vs what will the weather be like vs what in the heck will I be doing? How do I "pack" infinite possibilities into a medium sized suitcase?

And yep, it's medium sized. I've worked my way down from large. But I don't think I'll ever be able to fit everything into a carry-on size. Eesh.

And I have this cool set of luggage with a "closet". It's great when I get to where I'm going, because I just pull it out and hang it up and clothes are mostly easy to find (I just have to remember which shelf I put them on🤣). But the closet thing takes up space in the suitcase and sticks up funny so even though there's two sides to the suitcase, there's not as much room as one would think. 

So I say "yay, I have confined myself to 9 articles of clothing for a week long trip - 3 pants, 3 short sleeve shirts and 3 long sleeve options" but there's also my warm sweatshirt and shoes and underwear - oh my goodness, do you know how much space 7 days worth of underwear takes up?! and sleep clothes. It doesn't all fit into the closet. Especially my big bulky lovely comforting sweatshirt.

And typing it out, 9 articles of clothing balances between too much and oh, nice job. And really, it's not about judging myself. Or what Ithink others think. I don't need to explain it, I'm just here to say it's a lot of work to get it down to 9 main articles of clothing. And then still end up staring at the suitcase wondering if I can close it.

Like, was all that agonizing worth it? I mean, it will be (mostly) when I get there. 

Oh yeah. I'm doing this now because I know I will prefer it then - both the different choices, and the fact that it's an easy unpack/organize when I get there. 

So yay me! Thank me for the angst I am enduring. 

Morning Meandering - March 12

I'm sitting here after a lovely stretching session, waiting for my brain to fire up and WRITE. Something profound or meaningful or funny or...

I mean, I want to write. I've just got nothing to say.

...

So. I just read a draft of something I started a while ago; there was no conclusion yet, but the idea underneath it was true. Thought provoking and definitely "post" worthy.

But it was also...vulnerable.

The other day a friend thanked me for being vulnerable, after I "confessed" some of my idiosyncrasies? issues? habits? freak outs? when I travel. I was actually saying it as a warning; "Beware the Lila with suitcase in hand."

But she was right. It takes a lot to say, "Hey, this is how I am. Get ready for it."

And why? Why do people have to come out, or fly our freak flag, or "be ourselves" like it's a great challenge and something to be rewarded. I mean, it is, obviously (or I wouldn't be angsting over it) but why? (Oops, back to the "Why?!!") 

Is it a label thing? A "man" names thing thing? Because when we label and name and identify we can safely put it in a slot, with additional labels such as "nice" or "No thank you!", and move on about our day? And yeah, I love categories as much as the next bookseller or color-coded obsessed admin, but does it really count for people? 

All right, now I have to go think about that. (And notice how I nicely skipped away from the vulnerable thing? Yeah...)

But why Why?

 I have long had a discordant relationship with the word "Why."

It's too easy to get caught up in the why of something - get wrapped into the reasons and the past activities which leads to agonizing over past choices and wishing and reimagining. Which is all lovely and whatever, but it rarely solves the problem at hand.  And I am left with a feeling of helplessness and time wasted. So I have been a big proponent of "Why doesn't matter. What matters is what we do next."

Yeah, which is great, except for when the why does actually matter.

For example: why am I feeling hazy in the brain?

It could be allergies. It could be a lack of oxygen. It could be a cold. It could be lack of sleep. It could be the need for more water. It could be a stress reaction from an event or from a trigger. It could be burn out. It could be my glasses need to be cleaned and I'm translating fuzzy eyes to fuzzy brain. 

Each of these things has a different fix. So the why is important.

Which is annoying as... a very annoying thing (insert favorite adjective or curse word here)! Because pausing to figure out the reason takes time. Uggh. So  much time. And sometimes that is a triggering thing right there.

I have spent years, YEARS, working on myself, trying to achieve this or that and maintain it for longer that a breath, and every time I have reached a summit, I find a new challenge and while I'm busy exploring the new the old unravels which means I probably didn't have the right answer which means I probably didn't know the right why which means AAAAAAAGH!!!!

Yup. Frustrated. It could be because I have burnout. It could be because I'm tired. It could be because I'm hungry. It could be because...

You know, in books, they already know the why - well, the characters may not know but the author knows and it's going to be revealed eventually because there is an audience to inform so everything will come out and they don't actually have to make any decisions because someone else is making the decisions for them. And.

Hmm. I think I'm going to go read a book.