Thursday, April 11, 2024

Thought for the day: How to FEEL like a writer

I've been pondering what it would feel like to be a writer again. To be consistent at it. Perhaps even to bring in some abundance from writing. 

And I realized today, that I am not an executive assistant all day every day. I am not a bookkeeper for all the hours my eyes are open. I was not a bookseller every minute I was in the bookstore. I'm not even a reader for more than 4 (or 6) hours in a row. I get up, I engage with others, I use the restroom, I check the phone. 

The ONLY thing I am every second of every hour is me. And I am a multi faceted being who has laser focus some times and the attention span of a squirrel some times.

So feeling like a writer must be wanting to write (and not always having the time or the inclination.) Maybe feeling like a writer is also about being frustrated because there’s 42 ideas and then there are none.
Perhaps feeling like a writer is not so much about the action, as it is about the alignment. 

So I can feel like a writer,  and an assistant, and a reader, and a friend, and a singer, and a cleaner, and a...  all at the same time. 

So. What do you feel like in your multi-faceted awesomeness?

Saturday, March 9, 2024

Let the story end

 I'd like to say that I was doing it for him - because if past evidence is anything to go by, we are in more danger together, trying desperately to rescue each other and save whatever cause we're believing in at the time. We distract each other, our only focus is each other; and in the events we keep getting sucked into, that distraction is, well, dangerous. So I would like to say I am selflessly walking away from this, this melodrama, in order to save his life, and the lives of our friends and the people who have put themselves on the line for us.

But the truth is, I'm doing if for me. I cannot live this way anymore. Every season, it seems, a new trial, a new inexplicable scenario to pull ourselves out of, a new narrow escape, a new meeting of lips and bodies in desperate celebration of life. But this is not life. This is never the life I've dreamed of. And perhaps I was swept away by feeling not only beautiful but helpful, full of purpose and knowledge, the certainty that I was the heroine of my own story.

And I am, I'm sure. But this heroine is tired. This heroine wants to simply be a person once more. I want to eat a meal without looking over my shoulder. I want to put my feet up without fearing it might be my last peaceful moment. I want to regret not having children, instead of being grateful they are not part of this adventure. 

I want to make love in a leisurely fashion, just because it's a Friday night. I want to look at the stars and wonder and the marvels of the universe. I want to know the gentle kindness and petty snobbery of every day people in every day lives.

So I am going. I am walking away. From the portal, from the possibilities, from the man and from the life. 

So let the story end. And let my life begin.


Sunday, December 25, 2022

Doing it for Me

 The theme for the next couple of weeks is "Doing it for me."

For a long time, and still sometimes in the now, I become paralyzed at the thought of screwing something up. I have anxiety about going to work, paying bills, going into unfamiliar stores because I think I'll do something or say something wrong. They'll know I don't belong, that I'm not an adult. I'll be late or check the wrong box or I'll forget to submit.

Now these are things that happen. I misread something or misinterpret. I stand in the wrong line or turn the wrong way. I err on the side of am I really worthy. Happily, I am learning to forgive myself. After all, I can't know some things until I do them. And yeah, I can throw the words "common sense" and "pay attention" at myself all day long, but in the end, I'm still gonna have a different perception than others and I'm just gonna have to do something in order to learn how to do it. Which means moving through the fear.

Part of releasing the fear is remembering what I am doing it for. Why am I paying the bills? Why am I going into this store? Why am I going to work (especially when it's so difficult to get out of bed?)

Because I want to. I like having heat (especially today!). I want to explore the pretty or useful (hopefully both) things in the store. I love the people I work with and the things I do. Basically, I am making choices to do things that bring me joy, even if I feel freaked out. 

And some things are less joyful in the moment (like getting off the couch and doing my morning yoga) but they lead to joyful things (like being able to bend further tomorrow than I could today.)

And some things feel like I should feel guilty - like when I just sit and watch the world and take multiple pictures. Loving the beauty and communing with the trees. Shouldn't I be cleaning or answering emails or playing with the cats? 

No. I get to choose.

That is the whole purpose. I get to choose what is right for me, or what I think is right for me. I get to do it for me.

Even posting this is something I am, in the end, doing for me. Because I like writing and I like creating a sense of community for myself. And I like rereading my stuff. And it helps me articulate my philosophies in a kinder voice than if I was just talking to myself. (Because as much as I love myself, sometimes I can be a real b... mean person to myself.) And finally, it is the practice of finishing things. So many yay me! moments in posting.

What would you like to do for yourself today?

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

It's not real until it's out there

 If you're like me, you have a lot of daydreams, a lot of plans. You can visualize possibilities all day (and all night) long. You feel you have the passion, the drive, the ability. Anything can happen.

Inside our heads.

And, if you're like me, you find yourself sitting on your bed at the end of the day wondering where it all went? Where is the disconnect between the visualization and the manifestation?

The answer, for me, is breath. 

Whether it's an affirmation, a prayer, a dream of world domination, or a plan to clean the house, it doesn't actually have life until I say it out loud. Until I give it the possibility of existence with my breath.

Now, I am really shy about saying things out loud. Because people remember them. And they ask me about them later! (darned accountability) So oftentimes I don't want to share the possibilities because then later I'll have to admit to failing to bring them to fruition. 

Concurrently, I don't know how many times I've change my mind once I've said it out loud. How many times stating something, into the universe, brought the shudder of "Oh, hmm. Maybe not." Because in my head everything is lovely and possible and amazing. But out in the world, it just might not be time yet, or I don't really have the energy to expend.

On the other hand, if I don't talk about it - like doing a blog or writing a song or looking for a job - it doesn't feel real. It only exists in the realm where the stories exist. 

So, if you're like me, the first step to realizing, manifesting, starting a dream or project, is saying it out loud. Stating the intention. Hearing what it feels like to have that possibility in the mouth. To state it as a part of my being. 

And part of that step is also the ability to say, oh, nope. I don't like the sound of that at all.

So? What would you like to happen today?


Wednesday, November 30, 2022

I don't have to wait for the light

 I love sunshine.

I really love sunshine.

As I currently live in the Northwest, I have learned to appreciate every day, every moment the sun shines. Especially in the Fall/Winter time, when dawn seems to come later and later, and I don't always get to see the sunrise. 

Yesterday was a day of snow, and the sun shone briefly in the afternoon. (But it shined. Yay!) So this morning, when I came out to my living room and saw the pink orange glow behind the hills, I was so happy. I get to start the day with sunshine! 

But it's 7 am. I have morning routines to begin.

Part of me wants to honor and acknowledge the sun by waiting and working in the darkness. I don't need to turn on a light, because the sun is coming! I want to experience it in all of its glory. I should not diminish its struggle by turning on lights so I can see. And be more comfortable. Just wait. The sun will be here.

But I like seeing. I like the light. And I really don't think the sun is offended if I use other sources of light in my day.

Though you know what, it doesn't matter. I get to do what is right for me. The sun (and the clouds) are going to do their thing, and I am going to do mine. And while it is joyous to start my day basking in the sun, waiting for the light works a lot better in the summer, when I can stay asleep while its dark instead of needing to stretch and feed kitties and wake myself up so I can do work I love.

So, I turn on a light. I allow myself to be comfortable and see easily. I begin my routines.

And the sun beams.

I hope your day is bright and warm!


Sunday, May 15, 2022

Self-Care is Work!


When I think self-care, I think of bubble baths and alone time, spa days and reading in the sunshine.

But self-care is a lot more work than that.

Self-care is eating what feels right to my body.
Self care is getting up and doing yoga; resting my brain or meditating at the end of the day.
Self-care is regulating my thoughts and my actions so that every moment, I feel the way I want to feel, physically and mentally.

Turns out, that kind of self-care is really hard for me. 

It's easy to stop at the end of the day and reward my hard work with a book. Or two. (just one more chapter, I swear!)
It's less easy to close the door, turn on the computer and do the next yoga lesson or dance class. And I love yoga and dance; it's simply a lot less effort to read a book. Especially at the end of the day.

But I have done it before. And I know how awesome it felt after. And more, these days, I know how blech I feel if I don't. (Sigh.)

So, if I want to feel better, feel happier, feel more flexible and strong and capable, then I gotta put some focus into my daily self-care routine. I gotta give my body and mind the same respect and attention I would give to my other work. Not as punishment or homework or something I HaVE to do, but because I will feel so much happier after I do it.

Self-care does equal happiness. (And if I say it enough, I will believe it.)

All Right. Let's get to work!

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Whoop, there it is!

Some years ago, I joined Threshold Choir. It is an international group who sings songs for those who are crossing a threshold, most often the sick and dying. Most of the songs are written by (very talented) members. 

Soon after I joined, there was an international gathering in California, so I signed up and attended. Members led workshops; we learned new songs; there were meetings and greetings. It was lovely. 

The next year, the gathering was in Chicago. Not only did I attend, I led a workshop and I presented a song I had written. And someone made a comment, congratulating me on bursting onto the Threshold Choir scene. 

A comment which confused me for a very long time.

Because from my point of view, there was nothing sudden about my presentations. They were the natural result of my interests, the work I had done over the years, and a cumulation of the emotional and spiritual journeys I had completed. And to condense everything I wanted to say into those two formats, I had worked and written and sang and rewritten and agonized and rehearsed. There was absolutely no bursting. No wishing and it suddenly appeared. Just lots of energy put into it. And lots of dithering.

But from anyone else's point of view, looking back on the timeline, yes, I certainly burst onto the scene saying "Here I am! This is me!"

I think that all of life is like that. It may seem like things appear suddenly, or happen out of the blue, when actually there is a chain of events that lead, one step at a time, to an outcome. The best representation of this for me is the rune Ingwaz - the rune of the seed.

A seed is planted. Granted, a thousand seeds are planted. A thousand random thoughts flow in and out: a new dress, what's it like to fly, could I do something like that, that sounds good for dinner, did she really say that, I should clean my room. The butterfly flaps its wings over and over and over. 

And one or two of those seeds are going to take root. I would really like a new dress. I might like to have a clean room. One air current catches another air current and becomes a little stronger. 

And then the seed is watered and the current joins other winds - oh, I like that dress. Nope I'd never wear that dress. Ooh, let's try that one! Ugh, I can't believe I bought that. Try as I might don't look good in that color. I'd love to wear that but I keep looking at these. I do NOT need another olive green shirt, I want a dress! (Did I say I was going to clean my room?) 

Water and sunlight and some weeding out of the things we don't want to bloom and then, one day, Whoop! there it is. The perfect dress. The amazing job. The lovely sunset. The number on the scale and the final draft and the best meditation and the right dance teacher and the clean room. The wind that rushes musically through the trees. Because we sorted and sifted and focused and and connected and allowed it to come into being. 

We see and hear and think of so many possibilities. And we're (hopefully) going to focus on what we like, on what brings us joy, on what feels good. On the manifestations, daydreams, yearnings, energy that brings a smile to our face and peace to our heart. And when I can take a moment every day to give some focus to what I really want in my world, it will appear - whether it's the energy to do the job, or the random decision that leads me to the right store - a rush of wind through the trees, a bloom that wasn't there the day before.

And so, at this time of the full moon and Easter, may we all have a little extra fertilizer for the seed that we really want to see bloom next. Let us take a moment to believe in it and to know that is waiting, just under the soil, for the perfect time to burst upon the scene.

I hope you are having a blessed day!