The theme for the next couple of weeks is "Doing it for me."
For a long time, and still sometimes in the now, I become paralyzed at the thought of screwing something up. I have anxiety about going to work, paying bills, going into unfamiliar stores because I think I'll do something or say something wrong. They'll know I don't belong, that I'm not an adult. I'll be late or check the wrong box or I'll forget to submit.
Now these are things that happen. I misread something or misinterpret. I stand in the wrong line or turn the wrong way. I err on the side of am I really worthy. Happily, I am learning to forgive myself. After all, I can't know some things until I do them. And yeah, I can throw the words "common sense" and "pay attention" at myself all day long, but in the end, I'm still gonna have a different perception than others and I'm just gonna have to do something in order to learn how to do it. Which means moving through the fear.
Part of releasing the fear is remembering what I am doing it for. Why am I paying the bills? Why am I going into this store? Why am I going to work (especially when it's so difficult to get out of bed?)
Because I want to. I like having heat (especially today!). I want to explore the pretty or useful (hopefully both) things in the store. I love the people I work with and the things I do. Basically, I am making choices to do things that bring me joy, even if I feel freaked out.
And some things are less joyful in the moment (like getting off the couch and doing my morning yoga) but they lead to joyful things (like being able to bend further tomorrow than I could today.)
And some things feel like I should feel guilty - like when I just sit and watch the world and take multiple pictures. Loving the beauty and communing with the trees. Shouldn't I be cleaning or answering emails or playing with the cats?
No. I get to choose.
That is the whole purpose. I get to choose what is right for me, or what I think is right for me. I get to do it for me.
Even posting this is something I am, in the end, doing for me. Because I like writing and I like creating a sense of community for myself. And I like rereading my stuff. And it helps me articulate my philosophies in a kinder voice than if I was just talking to myself. (Because as much as I love myself, sometimes I can be a real b... mean person to myself.) And finally, it is the practice of finishing things. So many yay me! moments in posting.
What would you like to do for yourself today?