Packing is fun! (read the sarcasm)

 Packing is a very frustrating exercise. There are so many things to balance! And I feel like I'm limiting myself - pre choosing is a lot of brain power... what do I want to wear vs what will the weather be like vs what in the heck will I be doing? How do I "pack" infinite possibilities into a medium sized suitcase?

And yep, it's medium sized. I've worked my way down from large. But I don't think I'll ever be able to fit everything into a carry-on size. Eesh.

And I have this cool set of luggage with a "closet". It's great when I get to where I'm going, because I just pull it out and hang it up and clothes are mostly easy to find (I just have to remember which shelf I put them on🤣). But the closet thing takes up space in the suitcase and sticks up funny so even though there's two sides to the suitcase, there's not as much room as one would think. 

So I say "yay, I have confined myself to 9 articles of clothing for a week long trip - 3 pants, 3 short sleeve shirts and 3 long sleeve options" but there's also my warm sweatshirt and shoes and underwear - oh my goodness, do you know how much space 7 days worth of underwear takes up?! and sleep clothes. It doesn't all fit into the closet. Especially my big bulky lovely comforting sweatshirt.

And typing it out, 9 articles of clothing balances between too much and oh, nice job. And really, it's not about judging myself. Or what Ithink others think. I don't need to explain it, I'm just here to say it's a lot of work to get it down to 9 main articles of clothing. And then still end up staring at the suitcase wondering if I can close it.

Like, was all that agonizing worth it? I mean, it will be (mostly) when I get there. 

Oh yeah. I'm doing this now because I know I will prefer it then - both the different choices, and the fact that it's an easy unpack/organize when I get there. 

So yay me! Thank me for the angst I am enduring. 

Morning Meandering - March 12

I'm sitting here after a lovely stretching session, waiting for my brain to fire up and WRITE. Something profound or meaningful or funny or...

I mean, I want to write. I've just got nothing to say.

...

So. I just read a draft of something I started a while ago; there was no conclusion yet, but the idea underneath it was true. Thought provoking and definitely "post" worthy.

But it was also...vulnerable.

The other day a friend thanked me for being vulnerable, after I "confessed" some of my idiosyncrasies? issues? habits? freak outs? when I travel. I was actually saying it as a warning; "Beware the Lila with suitcase in hand."

But she was right. It takes a lot to say, "Hey, this is how I am. Get ready for it."

And why? Why do people have to come out, or fly our freak flag, or "be ourselves" like it's a great challenge and something to be rewarded. I mean, it is, obviously (or I wouldn't be angsting over it) but why? (Oops, back to the "Why?!!") 

Is it a label thing? A "man" names thing thing? Because when we label and name and identify we can safely put it in a slot, with additional labels such as "nice" or "No thank you!", and move on about our day? And yeah, I love categories as much as the next bookseller or color-coded obsessed admin, but does it really count for people? 

All right, now I have to go think about that. (And notice how I nicely skipped away from the vulnerable thing? Yeah...)

But why Why?

 I have long had a discordant relationship with the word "Why."

It's too easy to get caught up in the why of something - get wrapped into the reasons and the past activities which leads to agonizing over past choices and wishing and reimagining. Which is all lovely and whatever, but it rarely solves the problem at hand.  And I am left with a feeling of helplessness and time wasted. So I have been a big proponent of "Why doesn't matter. What matters is what we do next."

Yeah, which is great, except for when the why does actually matter.

For example: why am I feeling hazy in the brain?

It could be allergies. It could be a lack of oxygen. It could be a cold. It could be lack of sleep. It could be the need for more water. It could be a stress reaction from an event or from a trigger. It could be burn out. It could be my glasses need to be cleaned and I'm translating fuzzy eyes to fuzzy brain. 

Each of these things has a different fix. So the why is important.

Which is annoying as... a very annoying thing (insert favorite adjective or curse word here)! Because pausing to figure out the reason takes time. Uggh. So  much time. And sometimes that is a triggering thing right there.

I have spent years, YEARS, working on myself, trying to achieve this or that and maintain it for longer that a breath, and every time I have reached a summit, I find a new challenge and while I'm busy exploring the new the old unravels which means I probably didn't have the right answer which means I probably didn't know the right why which means AAAAAAAGH!!!!

Yup. Frustrated. It could be because I have burnout. It could be because I'm tired. It could be because I'm hungry. It could be because...

You know, in books, they already know the why - well, the characters may not know but the author knows and it's going to be revealed eventually because there is an audience to inform so everything will come out and they don't actually have to make any decisions because someone else is making the decisions for them. And.

Hmm. I think I'm going to go read a book.

Morning Meandering March 3

 Wow, has it really been that long since I posted? I write but then I wonder if it's relevant or well written or do I really want to put that out into the world or...

And of course, there's the venue and time components. Which venue do I use? Blogger? WordPress? YouTube? Insta - blah blah blah. Do I want to be "Relevant?" And, while it's easy enough to free write 100-500 words on the spur of the moment, there's the edit period. (Because even if it's meandering, I still want to fix the typos!)

Honestly, I just want to write - to get the words out of my head an onto the paper so I can be connected to them and think - Yup. Or Nope.

I love that I accepted myself enough to title this blog section "Meanderings." I'm not sure there is such thing as a straight line in my brain. Possibly in my life. It's not so much a matter of "squirrel!" as it is... rock skipping that pauses to sink into the pool, immerse in the moment around it, get really involved, and then "Squirrel!" skipping back onto the path. 

Which can be frustrating, let me tell you. It feels like I have no "staying power", or passion, or strong interest. And it does make the things that I return to seem like old friends - or something to grab onto. 

I've written a few books, and in one of them, I write about a scene where the main character is so lonely and afraid, she grabs for presences - and scares them off. It takes deeps breathing and opening to allow the connection - and holding so loosely. It's still a little lonely, because sometimes one doubts if that connection is even there. Am I still just fumbling around in the dark?

But it comes back to belief and happiness. Am I happier believing there is a connection - with GOD, with the Universe, with Nature, with my world - and that the love I pour out is being returned, multiplied? Or am I happier striving, reaching, waiting for the solid, physical proof I can point to, display for others? Because outside validation is the only thing that makes it real? 

There's a thing from the Bible (at least I think it's from the Bible - Joel Osteen quotes it all the time). I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. It is jaw dropping and a bit intimidating to think of all the things that happened, all of the "random" paths which crossed to bring me to this exact point. I am a work of art! I am amazing. 

And I have just as much validation power as anyone else in my world. 

Hmm. Maybe that's the scariest thing of all. I have the power. How will I use it?