Okay, I feel it, now what?

 S, one of the Happiness Practice steps is "how does it feel, physically?"

I am at an uncomfortable weight. Comparisons and body positivity aside, I dislike how massive I feel, how everything seems to cling uncomfortably, how I take up so much more space than I used to. 

At the same time, I have never felt more solid - and by that I mean, physically present, confident in myself, powerful. Capable. Well able. I am HERE. I am no longer a frail human, who needs assistance - okay, I don't feel like one - hmm, maybe I just feel less vulnerable. Strong in my abilities, which helps make it easier to accept assistance because knowing what I'm good at means being okay with feeling less skilled in other areas.

So, I literally and, probably, figuratively brought this on myself. Because I wanted to feel those things. I was tired of feeling like I had to be taken care of. I imagine anyone whose had a major illness or physical injury which lasts longer than a few days gets the residue affect of feeling frail, of wondering how it happened, where it came from and WILL IT HAPPEN AGAIN?! And those around us are hovering, watching, and it reciprocates when others have a difficulty and we are flashed back to our fragility, and  we all get into the cycle of caution for ourselves and for others. 

And I wanted to walk out in the world unafraid. Secure in the knowledge that I am held safely in the hands of the Universe, and confident in my own abilities. Strong enough to attempt things and wise enough to know when I have to ask for help.

So here I am, physically feeling like I always thought I looked in pictures (horrible, two dimensional, blob). And reveling in the feeling of strength and PRESENCE while despising the physicality. 

And I am believing so blessedly hard that the only reason I am here in this current form is to cement the feeling of capability, confidence and strength. And that I will be able to slenderize, so I can be comfortable, make room around me, and still feel solid. 

Or, maybe, I just need to realize that growing sideways will not ever, ever, ever, make me any taller. I might be able to lift the box, but I still can't reach the one on the top shelf without a step ladder.

Either way. I am ready to be a little more compact again. While still feeling strong, capable, and solid.

Compact? 

Hmpph.