But I don't wanna!

 They say "With great power comes great responsibility." 

So, how many of us "just say no" because the thought of great responsibility is overwhelming?

I want to feel powerful. I want to find my passions. I want to be good at what I'm doing and enjoy the moment. I want to have the freedom of body and soul and finances and rights and abilities. I want to be able to choose. 

But I don't want to feel like I have to become a leader, or write a book, or have a blog, or sell a product, or share my talents. I want the freedom to be able to say no. To choose who I share with. To use those gifts and passions just for me. Or just my way?

And I don't want to be the answer to anyone else's questions; I still have a lot of my own. And I've seen, in macro- and microcosms, that as soon as you stand out, people are glommed on, dissecting and prying and trying to get a piece - either by being a number one fan or by trying to find all the dirt. 

I'm not sure why people are attacking these days. Maybe we're all scared of learning something or being known for something or just feeling the pressure of too many choices or not enough or not the right ones. And I can understand and sympathize and still not want to be the attackee. What did I grow up learning? You put yourself out there - for your faith, for your truth - you're gonna be crucified. I guess that hasn't really changed, has it?

So yes, I want to have the power. To do what I want, feel what I want. To grow in my experiences and know that I am being "all that I can be." But, I also just want to quietly go my way without feeling any sort of obligation to be a Name or a Brand or a Leader. I want my life to be about what I can experience, not an obligation about what I can do.

Is that bad? To want power (of thought or deed or skill or whatever) that improves my life, and not want to feel the obligation to immediately go out and make other people's lives better? But how can it be bad... I'm a person too.

Not the Right way ➤⮜

 I am ambidextrous in some things - using a fork or a spoon (though not a knife 🤔); ten key and mouse; with screwdrivers and hammers. Playing the piano (is that really ambidextrous though?). Heck, I can play the guitar (very simply) with the neck on either side - though I guess that means sometimes I am playing it upside down.

Let's just say there are many times I can use whatever hand is available for the task, instead of having to shift everything. 

One of the things I am working on, however, it writing with my left hand. I have lovely penmanship, when I want to, with my right hand. But my left - eesh. I can barely read it sometimes, and I pride myself on my ability to "translate" handwriting. (I do. It's in my resume 😁).

And, in an attempt to improve, I seem to spend a lot of time comparing the differences - not just of how the final result looks, but of how I hold the pen, and how it feels to form the letters, and how I have to set the paper. And i think that comparison is impeding my progress.

My left hand and my right hand are going to have 2 different experiences. For one thing, we're coming at the paper at a completely different angle. When I'm using my right hand, it's like I'm leaving this trail of ink behind. But using my left hand, I am leading with the ink, and continually pass over it to the next word, phrase or thought. I am pushing the pen instead of pulling the pen. Writing with the left hand moves into my body instead of away.

And of course, there's the years (continuous) of practice for the right versus the days (accumulated) for the left.

So what works for the right hand is not necessarily going to work for the left. Which is kind of making my brain hurt. Because that means, I have to let myself figure out how the left hand does it, all on its own. We have the basics, but the execution will be unique. 

And if that's not a metaphor for life...

Those who can't

 There's a well known phrase - those who can't, teach. It's sometimes (often?) said with derision - oh, you're not good enough to act, sing, write, defend a client, play the game. - you've got the knowledge, but not the real skill.

It goes along with the image of the lone super hero; the brave warrior heading off to battle; the head chef or Ceo running his little empire with flair and bad manners. The elite. The special.

But there is also another phrase - they also serve, who sit and wait. 

Do you know how many support people there are? For a movie? Well, they are listed in the credits. What about for a game? For a military maneuver? For a caped crusader? For a favorite restaurant or priest or lawyer or animal whisperer? 

Let's talk about a sports game. Not only are there the players on the team and on the bench and in the wings on reserve, there's the coaches. Pretty well known. There's the "trainers" - the medical team. And there's the water people and assistants and towel fetchers. Oh and the people who care for the field, both during the season (before and after a game) and when there are no games in session. There's the vendors and the ushers. There's the janitors and the security. There's ALSO the admin people - who exchange the tickets for the money, who communicate with the fans or with the team. There's the organizers and the bill collectors and the bills payers and the payroll clerks. There's the people who deliver the equipment and drive the players. There's the people who install the lights of the facility and maintain them, and there's the people who keep them on. Oh, and what about the people who create the uniforms, the equipment, the paper? And the people who gather the materials that are needed for those creations?

And that's leaving out the vendors and the tv crews and sports casters.

And seriously - where would the good people of fake New York be if there wasn't a team of people willing to clean up after the big super hero montage? Who would Batman be without Alfred and the bat cave and all his technology which he did not personally create with his own two hands? 

And how would the soldiers defend us without the training and the tools? The medical people go to classes but there's also the equipment and the teams which clean up after them. And the printers and deliverers of the teaching material. And... 

Those who "can't", do teach. And support. And feed and listen and heal and clean up after and do all the invisible admin work that currently makes our social world go round.

Those who "can't", provide rooms, give money, give time, give encouragement.

Those who "can't", create homes and memories and a place to be someone other than the one who "Can".

So to those who "can't",  Thank you for everything you DO. 

Just a little... more

 So, if you're like me, it's been a very full, often frustrating, "Calgon take me away!" set of weeks, maybe even months. 

First, I want to say - I chose all of this. Not intentionally, necessarily - I mean, I didn't say "oh, I want to be so busy and have so many balls in the air it feels like I'm not actually present in my own life." But first there was this once in a lifetime event I really want to do. And then there was THIS one time only event for a group I really want to give energy to. And then, well, it looked like the best time to fit this thing in, because I need to do it once a year, and this, well, this is my job and I like my job and, oh crabapples - this is the busy time of year. I don't have to ask myself "What was I thinking?" because I know exactly. And on paper, it all fit into nice neat little calendar squares and time slots. No problem

But things take longer than I think they'll take.

And part of the time crunch is I'm also working on self care, which includes exercise and connecting with people. And then there's preparing for the once in a lifetime things, which actually takes up a lot of brain power and time these days. So then we're back to self care which includes some reading and tv, but more importantly finding things to read and watch that appeal to me, instead of just consuming junk. 

And it's so easy to get frustrated with myself and with others when whatever I'm doing doesn't actually contribute to the things I want to be doing - like a traffic jam on the way to work or a story being told that doesn't apply to the question asked or finding myself distracted by "reels" on social media when I did actually get on the site for a particular purpose... Let's just say my patience wears thin and that adds to the overall air of "AAAAARGH!"

BUT! I have been working on breathing. And keeping my heart open (even with myself!). And taking a moment, just a moment to just let things be, to release connection. And the other day, oh, the other day, I realized that I had lasted just a little longer before getting frustrated. And it took me less time to remember to breathe. And I was able to disconnect from unwanted things (instead of grumbling about why people would want this crap - sorry, stuff - in their lives anyway; after all, I imagine some of the stuff I like to read others would consider crap); I was able to disconnect for just a second more.

And the realization of this, oh, it was like realizing that I am able to stretch just a little farther. The most amazing sense of personal accomplishment and, even better, the knowledge that with this step an even bigger step is possible. 

I can be the happy, rested, exuberant, busy, self-care and best of all "AAARGH" free person I prefer to be. It's not going to happen all at once. There are totally going to be ebbs and flows, waxing and waning, some days easier than others. But each day, each moment, there is the amazing possibility of stretching, breathing, releasing, caring, just a little more.

And that is awesome.

May we all have just one more breath today, than we did yesterday, of beauty, peace, resilience, love, hope, connection - whatever feeds us most.

Looking for my mountain top

 I feel like it's time to go looking for my mountain top - my place to settle in, make everything just so for my joy and satisfaction, and then dispense my wisdom to all and sundry as they come strolling by.

Now, I identify as an introvert - and when I am done people for the day, I am DONE. But I do like people. Family and friends especially. So I don't want an actual hike for day, tote your own water, internet free mountain top. I myself will be travelling to and from, you know, for like groceries and new tech toys and going to visit people who won't come visit me; not to mention how blessed cold actual mountain tops can get. Yeesh no.

And I love trees and seeing animals and rivers, so its gotta be someplace with healthy growth, but not too growthy - like, I don't want to deal with scorpions and mold everywhere. (Yeah, I have preferences. That's what living is for, figuring out what works for me.) So maybe a foothill, as opposed to an actual mountain.  Or a forest with a river. Though I can't walk barefoot in a forest - at least, not anymore. But that's okay because there will be a lovely packed, tree-lined path, leading from my cottage door to the river side. With plenty of space to put flower pots and squirrel feeders and a table for entertaining guests. Yes, that sounds like a lovely, peaceful place.

And I imagine that there will be days I just want to jump up and run around and share my awesome life with others (aka dispensing wisdom) - and when the urge comes I want to be able to just get up and go (again, no mountain top. Easy access to navigable roads.)

But mostly, the desire is just be. Literally. Just sit in one spot and be part of the nature, part of the scenery, watching the clouds go by and the river roll and the grass grow. And let the sun bake into my skin. 

Mmm. Yup I am ready to find my "mountain top."

Diagnosis - Human

 These days there are a lot of things that could be "wrong". A lot of symptoms to freak out over; a lot of confusion over "symptoms". Cancer or cold? Indigestion or heart issues? Hungry or in pain? 

And then we start worrying about others. Has she always acted this tired and lethargic? Has he always had that little sniffle? They've had a lot of stress in their lives. That bug is going around.

So how do we know? And how do we have a conversation without alarming or stressing out the object of our concern? If it's a memory thing, do you take witnesses, so you know that YOU'RE remembering the meeting correctly? If it's an internal thing, do you press the issue? 

And in my experience, it's hard to get an appointment with a doctor these days - so if they actually get one, will they even remember why we  suggested they get the appointment?

What is the difference between forgetful and early onset Alzheimer's? Where is the line between out of breath and COPD or Asthma? When is it okay to express concern and when do we not mention it to help avoid calling attention to a weakness?

And the biggest question of all - am I focusing on their "symptoms" because I'm worried about myself?

Being human is a lot of work. 

Vacation vs Adventure

I have been on a lovely vacation which was filled with a lot of nothing.

Yesterday, my host said, apologetically, "But we haven't done anything!" And I grinned and said, "Exactly. It was wonderful!"

I do love going to the beach, and exploring little shops, and finding amazing gardens and wondering through cemeteries. I enjoy scenic gondola rides and hikes (walks) up small mountains and white water rafting (okay, not really that one) and checking out dance clubs. I am happy to explore new foods and local pubs. It's all part of that "world traveler/adventurer" label I enjoy wearing sometimes.

But when I think vacation, when I think "gotta get away", what I'm getting away from is the frantic do, do, do! Projects for work and projects for keeping the home in peace, and food and exercise and spiritual attention, and am I answering all of my emails (always a no) and am I meeting all of my obligations - which are self imposed, chosen, enjoyable! but are still obligations. 

So these days, when I go on vacation - even though I can't "get away" from the news or the emails or the nagging feeling I left something undone - I want to do... nothing.

Granted, nothing for me does mean some emails or checking in at work; but it's in a relaxed environment and it's totally my choice and, best of all, it's in the company of those I'm visiting. The BEST vacations are the ones where we're all just sitting around - or puttering around the house - doing our thing. We flow together to play games and eat and converse; we flow away to nap and read and exercise and work. We share tidbits of the day, random delights and esoteric thoughts. We're just being. Together.

This last vacation, I didn't even spend much time contemplating the beauty of the world. I mean, I sat outside (I was outside when I started this post) and I listened to birds and watched the clouds and felt the wind.  But there was no marveling, no deep thoughts (except, you know, when I'm writing), no active communing with nature. I just sat there at let it all wash over me. Just being.

This has been a truly lovely vacation. And I am very grateful to everyone who just hung out and existed with me. I love you.