Enlightenment is... Fragile

 I admit it. I am feeling pretty fragile these days.

Not in a suicidal way, but in an "I wonder when I am going to break?" way.

All around, more and more things seem to be blowing up or washing away; people sick and injured and dying, the earth burning and drowning. And it feels like the coping mechanisms I am used to relying on are causing more harm than benefit to my body and my mind.

And I practice what I preach: I focus on Happiness. I develop new techniques. I have a fabulous understanding of myself and my needs and what I want to feel like. I am working and being and allowing and receiving.

And then, I look in the mirror, or I wake up to construction, or I open an email. And I feel something nibble at the edges. Poke, poke, poke. Is this the one? Is this the straw? Is this the final nail?

Happily, the answer is "No." Sometimes firmly, sometimes with a sigh, sometimes with a snarky tone, "No." I am still well able. I am still fully connected to my support and to Love. I still know that all these transitions and growing pains and frustrations and painful moments are just moments. I still believe that the world is becoming amazingly beautiful, more every day. I still believe in myself! I am still happy.

Which I guess means I am learning something new. (Always. Yay.)

It is okay to feel fragile too. That fragility, wonderment, questioning -- that is all part of the growing process. All part of living. One of the many fascinating facets of myself.

The thing I get to remember is that even if/when/as I break, I am loved. I am held. I am part of the amazing song of the Heavens. 

And, if you don't mind me saying, You are too.

I hope today, even when the fragile moments seem immeasurable, that we can see some beautfy and we can know we are Loved.

Thought for the day: How to FEEL like a writer

I've been pondering what it would feel like to be a writer again. To be consistent at it. Perhaps even to bring in some abundance from writing. 

And I realized today, that I am not an executive assistant all day every day. I am not a bookkeeper for all the hours my eyes are open. I was not a bookseller every minute I was in the bookstore. I'm not even a reader for more than 4 (or 6) hours in a row. I get up, I engage with others, I use the restroom, I check the phone. 

The ONLY thing I am every second of every hour is me. And I am a multi faceted being who has laser focus some times and the attention span of a squirrel some times.

So feeling like a writer must be wanting to write (and not always having the time or the inclination.) Maybe feeling like a writer is also about being frustrated because there’s 42 ideas and then there are none.

Perhaps feeling like a writer is not so much about the action, as it is about the alignment. 

So I can feel like a writer,  and an assistant, and a reader, and a friend, and a singer, and a cleaner, and a...  all at the same time. 

So. What do you feel like in your multi-faceted awesomeness?

Let the story end

 I'd like to say that I was doing it for him - because if past evidence is anything to go by, we are in more danger together, trying desperately to rescue each other and save whatever cause we're believing in at the time. We distract each other, our only focus is each other; and in the events we keep getting sucked into, that distraction is, well, dangerous. So I would like to say I am selflessly walking away from this, this melodrama, in order to save his life, and the lives of our friends and the people who have put themselves on the line for us.

But the truth is, I'm doing if for me. I cannot live this way anymore. Every season, it seems, a new trial, a new inexplicable scenario to pull ourselves out of, a new narrow escape, a new meeting of lips and bodies in desperate celebration of life. But this is not life. This is never the life I've dreamed of. And perhaps I was swept away by feeling not only beautiful but helpful, full of purpose and knowledge, the certainty that I was the heroine of my own story.

And I am, I'm sure. But this heroine is tired. This heroine wants to simply be a person once more. I want to eat a meal without looking over my shoulder. I want to put my feet up without fearing it might be my last peaceful moment. I want to regret not having children, instead of being grateful they are not part of this adventure. 

I want to make love in a leisurely fashion, just because it's a Friday night. I want to look at the stars and wonder and the marvels of the universe. I want to know the gentle kindness and petty snobbery of every day people in every day lives.

So I am going. I am walking away. From the portal, from the possibilities, from the man and from the life. 

So let the story end. And let my life begin.

 

Doing it for Me

 The theme for the next couple of weeks is "Doing it for me."

For a long time, and still sometimes in the now, I become paralyzed at the thought of screwing something up. I have anxiety about going to work, paying bills, going into unfamiliar stores because I think I'll do something or say something wrong. They'll know I don't belong, that I'm not an adult. I'll be late or check the wrong box or I'll forget to submit.

Now these are things that happen. I misread something or misinterpret. I stand in the wrong line or turn the wrong way. I err on the side of am I really worthy. Happily, I am learning to forgive myself. After all, I can't know some things until I do them. And yeah, I can throw the words "common sense" and "pay attention" at myself all day long, but in the end, I'm still gonna have a different perception than others and I'm just gonna have to do something in order to learn how to do it. Which means moving through the fear.

Part of releasing the fear is remembering what I am doing it for. Why am I paying the bills? Why am I going into this store? Why am I going to work (especially when it's so difficult to get out of bed?)

Because I want to. I like having heat (especially today!). I want to explore the pretty or useful (hopefully both) things in the store. I love the people I work with and the things I do. Basically, I am making choices to do things that bring me joy, even if I feel freaked out. 

And some things are less joyful in the moment (like getting off the couch and doing my morning yoga) but they lead to joyful things (like being able to bend further tomorrow than I could today.)

And some things feel like I should feel guilty - like when I just sit and watch the world and take multiple pictures. Loving the beauty and communing with the trees. Shouldn't I be cleaning or answering emails or playing with the cats? 

No. I get to choose.

That is the whole purpose. I get to choose what is right for me, or what I think is right for me. I get to do it for me.

Even posting this is something I am, in the end, doing for me. Because I like writing and I like creating a sense of community for myself. And I like rereading my stuff. And it helps me articulate my philosophies in a kinder voice than if I was just talking to myself. (Because as much as I love myself, sometimes I can be a real b... mean person to myself.) And finally, it is the practice of finishing things. So many yay me! moments in posting.

What would you like to do for yourself today?

It's not real until it's out there

 If you're like me, you have a lot of daydreams, a lot of plans. You can visualize possibilities all day (and all night) long. You feel you have the passion, the drive, the ability. Anything can happen.

Inside our heads.

And, if you're like me, you find yourself sitting on your bed at the end of the day wondering where it all went? Where is the disconnect between the visualization and the manifestation?

The answer, for me, is breath. 

Whether it's an affirmation, a prayer, a dream of world domination, or a plan to clean the house, it doesn't actually have life until I say it out loud. Until I give it the possibility of existence with my breath.

Now, I am really shy about saying things out loud. Because people remember them. And they ask me about them later! (darned accountability) So oftentimes I don't want to share the possibilities because then later I'll have to admit to failing to bring them to fruition. 

Concurrently, I don't know how many times I've change my mind once I've said it out loud. How many times stating something, into the universe, brought the shudder of "Oh, hmm. Maybe not." Because in my head everything is lovely and possible and amazing. But out in the world, it just might not be time yet, or I don't really have the energy to expend.

On the other hand, if I don't talk about it - like doing a blog or writing a song or looking for a job - it doesn't feel real. It only exists in the realm where the stories exist. 

So, if you're like me, the first step to realizing, manifesting, starting a dream or project, is saying it out loud. Stating the intention. Hearing what it feels like to have that possibility in the mouth. To state it as a part of my being. 

And part of that step is also the ability to say, oh, nope. I don't like the sound of that at all.

So? What would you like to happen today?

-Lila

I don't have to wait for the light

 I love sunshine.

I really love sunshine.

As I currently live in the Northwest, I have learned to appreciate every day, every moment the sun shines. Especially in the Fall/Winter time, when dawn seems to come later and later, and I don't always get to see the sunrise. 

Yesterday was a day of snow, and the sun shone briefly in the afternoon. (But it shined. Yay!) So this morning, when I came out to my living room and saw the pink orange glow behind the hills, I was so happy. I get to start the day with sunshine! 

But it's 7 am. I have morning routines to begin.

Part of me wants to honor and acknowledge the sun by waiting and working in the darkness. I don't need to turn on a light, because the sun is coming! I want to experience it in all of its glory. I should not diminish its struggle by turning on lights so I can see. And be more comfortable. Just wait. The sun will be here.

But I like seeing. I like the light. And I really don't think the sun is offended if I use other sources of light in my day.

Though you know what, it doesn't matter. I get to do what is right for me. The sun (and the clouds) are going to do their thing, and I am going to do mine. And while it is joyous to start my day basking in the sun, waiting for the light works a lot better in the summer, when I can stay asleep while its dark instead of needing to stretch and feed kitties and wake myself up so I can do work I love.

So, I turn on a light. I allow myself to be comfortable and see easily. I begin my routines.

And the sun beams.

I hope your day is bright and warm!

-Lila 

Self-Care is Work!

 

When I think self-care, I think of bubble baths and alone time, spa days and reading in the sunshine.

But self-care is a lot more work than that.

Self-care is eating what feels right to my body.

Self care is getting up and doing yoga; resting my brain or meditating at the end of the day.

Self-care is regulating my thoughts and my actions so that every moment, I feel the way I want to feel, physically and mentally.

Turns out, that kind of self-care is really hard for me. 

It's easy to stop at the end of the day and reward my hard work with a book. Or two. (just one more chapter, I swear!)

It's less easy to close the door, turn on the computer and do the next yoga lesson or dance class. And I love yoga and dance; it's simply a lot less effort to read a book. Especially at the end of the day.

But I have done it before. And I know how awesome it felt after. And more, these days, I know how blech I feel if I don't. (Sigh.)

So, if I want to feel better, feel happier, feel more flexible and strong and capable, then I gotta put some focus into my daily self-care routine. I gotta give my body and mind the same respect and attention I would give to my other work. Not as punishment or homework or something I HaVE to do, but because I will feel so much happier after I do it.

Self-care does equal happiness. (And if I say it enough, I will believe it.)

All Right. Let's get to work!