Wow, has it really been that long since I posted? I write but then I wonder if it's relevant or well written or do I really want to put that out into the world or...
And of course, there's the venue and time components. Which venue do I use? Blogger? WordPress? YouTube? Insta - blah blah blah. Do I want to be "Relevant?" And, while it's easy enough to free write 100-500 words on the spur of the moment, there's the edit period. (Because even if it's meandering, I still want to fix the typos!)
Honestly, I just want to write - to get the words out of my head an onto the paper so I can be connected to them and think - Yup. Or Nope.
I love that I accepted myself enough to title this blog section "Meanderings." I'm not sure there is such thing as a straight line in my brain. Possibly in my life. It's not so much a matter of "squirrel!" as it is... rock skipping that pauses to sink into the pool, immerse in the moment around it, get really involved, and then "Squirrel!" skipping back onto the path.
Which can be frustrating, let me tell you. It feels like I have no "staying power", or passion, or strong interest. And it does make the things that I return to seem like old friends - or something to grab onto.
I've written a few books, and in one of them, I write about a scene where the main character is so lonely and afraid, she grabs for presences - and scares them off. It takes deeps breathing and opening to allow the connection - and holding so loosely. It's still a little lonely, because sometimes one doubts if that connection is even there. Am I still just fumbling around in the dark?
But it comes back to belief and happiness. Am I happier believing there is a connection - with GOD, with the Universe, with Nature, with my world - and that the love I pour out is being returned, multiplied? Or am I happier striving, reaching, waiting for the solid, physical proof I can point to, display for others? Because outside validation is the only thing that makes it real?
There's a thing from the Bible (at least I think it's from the Bible - Joel Osteen quotes it all the time). I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. It is jaw dropping and a bit intimidating to think of all the things that happened, all of the "random" paths which crossed to bring me to this exact point. I am a work of art! I am amazing.
And I have just as much validation power as anyone else in my world.
Hmm. Maybe that's the scariest thing of all. I have the power. How will I use it?
