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I was going to write a post about how I still feel hampered, hindered, restrained from asking for money. (Keep your eyes on this space, you'll hear all about my financial dreams in the close future.)

And then I became irritated with myself because I actually think I am beyond the "Oh, my Goddess. I'm not worthy. Can I really earn some cash with my meager skills?" Blech. Way beyond that. Only a distant echo of remembering feeling that way.

So, why, when I opened Blogger to start setting up a new page to tell you all about my current dreams and goals, did I immediately try to distract myself with a the thought of writing about money anxiety?

It turns out it's simply because I wanted to write something! It's been so long since I've posted something. And on this blog (so say the stats) I have 162 posts and 42 drafts! 42 things that have been started and never sent. Possibly never finished. 1/4 of things I've written have never been truly communicated!

Which, when I think about it, is actually a pretty good record for me. Considering I have over a thousand story ideas languishing in boxes and bites, and possibly 20 of those have reached a finished stage. I'm improving.

Hot D..., um, Dynomite! I am getting better every day. Yay me!

So, Lila, finish saying hi to the peeps, and get back to starting something you might want to finish this week. Well, hopefully this week. The beauty of having a deadline on your dreams is you might actually only procrastinate a little. If you're like me.

So, Hi, peeps! Hope you all are having an amazing day!

-Lila

The cocoon opens again - and the babble ensues

Hello to you!

Looks like the cycle of writing fell away again - I do tend to wax and wane in my... hmm, what's a good word?

Actually, the word I've been using lately is Introversion. My introvert side has been claiming it's time out of the public's eye. I've been doing a lot of workshop building and reading and self-care which, interestingly enough, includes the admin stuff I love to complain about.

But it has been easier since I realized that the administrative tasks of bill paying and filing and emails are a form of self-care. Like exercising or house cleaning or yearly blood tests.

And the best part, the part that is making it much easier, is I realized I was making it very complex. In this, as in many other things, I had created an intricate game of tasks to accomplish in order to feel productive and, well, accomplished. "I am an accountant!" I declare happily as I take 5 minutes to figure out the exact perfect account in which to post my 5$ cash spending. And I fret over how long to keep receipts. And I do have imaginary conversations with the IRS about why I classified this clothing purchase as a uniform - because he might wear those pants out in public once in a while.

AAaaaaaagh! Yes, it is a fun game. And yes I love numbers. But there are amazing systems in place now to simplify the bookkeeping tasks. And simple is the name of the new game I am playing.

"Simple and Significant." Yes, you see it everywhere - I first heard it from my mom. She was talking about my writing, but it is relevant in all parts of life, including bookkeeping. I don't need 14 different categories for my groceries, and I don't need to spend half an hour invoicing the business account in order to split the telephone bill.

So I found a better way to get the bookkeeping done. A simpler way. A way that works for me and is relevant to the way I operate, the way I look at things, the true way I live - not actions based on an ideal of someone I admire. So I'm not going to inventory all of my possessions with the goal of valuating them every year. I just don't do that.

And I'm not going to use the Getting Things Done form of time management - because all that's done is create bigger piles for me. And not gotten anything done. I loved the idea. But it's too involved for my form of action.

I am a do it now person. Do what is in front of me. Even if something can wait for a few days, I need to keep it in front of me, because if I file something to be done later, my brain thinks it's been done. And i forget about it.

By the way -  if you've been waiting for an email, I apologize. It's on my self-care list. I'm still practicing fitting it all together.

Because I love my work. And creating these workshops is an amazing undertaking. And I often find myself retreating back into the cocoon of thought and growth and stripping away unnecessary flourishes in order to be ME. And that often equates to not writing. For myself or to others.

But the cocoon is opening again. As September ends and the clearing cycle changes to production again (last harvest, get to work!) I am looking forward to connecting with peoples again.

Because keeping it simple clears the clutter, the intricate flourishes, and allows space for happiness. Truthful, connected, expansive reality.

I'm not going to edit this, so please forgive the typos. I have to get ready for Spirit Wise work - and tonite's  class.  Will I see you there?


I hope you have a great day!
=Lila

"We don't say "Blah, blah, blah!""

It has been a long while (for me) since I have written. Not even since I've posted, but since I've WRITTEN. Anything. Journal or blog or even tweet.

Part of the restriction, resistance, block, hurdle seems to be that there is so much going on in my head again! What is today's happiness practice? How do I get the word out about my workshops in a way I resonate with? I haven't done a newsletter in ages, but the newsletter isn't technically a consensual form of communication anymore. Food, glorious food. Is reading a form of distraction? Like eating? How do I set up a consensual email list? I need a brochure of all my classes. I want to bring more money in.And if you're like me, you want to fulfill my writing goals this month. I have workshops to give and workshops to take. Getting things done doesn't do it for me. I want more people in my workshops. Who does all this frantic anxiety belong to? I am expansive. I am happy. Feeling instead of force. Deeper than the tears, you will find me.Why do cats like string? Where's Perry? It's almost October.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

But it's not blah. It's not even babble. It's the hundreds of ideas and desires raising their hands and wanting to be realized NOW! So much that could be done.

At least I know that. It's not that there's "So much to do." No shoulds. No limitations on the future.

It's that there's so much that can be done. So many possibilities. So much expansion and connection.

I'm already there. I can feel the abundance and joy and ease and grace and happiness! Every day, when I breathe, I can feel that connection.

But sometimes that expansion, that abundance just seems to fuel the Greek chorus in my head. (some people have monkeys, some have lizards, my mind is dressed in togas and lounging around a white marble fountain, eating grapes. Could be why I burst into song; though I never have learned the songs from "A funny thing happened on the way to the  Forum." Are there songs? I think there are songs. Look it up. Blah, blah. blah!)

There are answers. There are tools. There are mantras.

Breathe.
Accept.
Release the resistance.
Simple but significant.
Use what I have.
One step at a time.
Self care.
Who does that belong to?
15 minutes.
"Nothing to do with me - BIH"
Connect. Expand. Breathe.
Do I really want that?
Mind with matter.

The greek chorus dances, but it still doesn't get anything done. The truth come from the heart. I'm the only one who can do what I want to do. I get to choose. I AM.

Is it time to sleep yet?

I feel... (blah, blah, blah)
I think... (blah, blah, blah)
I am...

I am allowing abundance.
I am looking forward to today.
I am asking "What else is possible?"
I am stopping, everytime I start feeling like running around, and I am breathing, and I am focusing on one thing at a time.
And I am knowing that I will be sleeping tonite, and that's almost here, and there's still so much I can do today.

I am Lila.
I am the center of my universe.
I am the chooser of my reality.
I am part of the Divine.

There is no blah, blah, blah. But the real truths are in my center, not in my head.

I am Lila. And I am happy.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

Fun is work is Fun

I sit

I stare

A purple chair

Where can my muse darling be?

I sit

I type

A bunch of hype

Playing upon the tv.

I sit

I sigh

The breaths fly by

I forward a sentence or two.

I sit

I babble

In poetry I dabble.

What else can this dry writer do?

I sit

I wiggle

I watch him giggle

Yes, that happened that way.

I sit

I smirk

Work is fun is work.

At least I will finish today.

I sit

I scribble

The cat sleeps in dribble.

Would this turn out different if penned?

I sit

I listen

The rhyme here is glisten.

And that brings this poem to its end.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Babble 1

9:33

So.  I find myself close to my deadline.  I have 2 and 1/2 hours to go before I NEED to have something posted.  I must make my goal.  I must.  AAAAAAAAGHHH.

And nothing is resonating.  All these marvelous thoughts I've mentally composed come to lifeless sentences upon the screen.  There is no poetry to them, no force, no conviction.

There is a huge difference between believing something, or thinking something, or contemplating something, and being able to accurately and passionately discuss that belief, that thought.

And so we come to the first of our desperation measures - the babble.  Wherein in I type whatever comes to mind for the next five minutes and post it, willy nilly.

Which isn't actually accurate.  Willy nilly - which now is used for a chaotic arrangement or action - originally comes from "Will he, nil he" - with or without permission.  At least, I'm assuming that's where it comes from.  That's what it sounds like, doesn't it?  I could take the time to look it up, but that would deplete from the five minutes of typing and so, it feels like cheating.

This form of typing will also give a really good idea of how I talk.  Words spilling haphazardly from  my lips (or fingers) to flow upon the ear of the patient listener.

My mom was an excellent listener.  And rarely expressed judgement.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I used her as a sounding board and often, if I didn't like the way something sounded when I talked about it, or if I couldn't express it fully and completely (as in no poetry, no force and no conviction *G*) then it wasn't time for that idea.  Or that idea wasn't for me.  I was/ am a pretty good listener to others, but with my Mom I was a motor mouth.  I don't even know if there was an off switch.

I am cheating a little.  There are a lot of deletes - either through typos, or through words not exactly expressing what I'm trying to say.  And so (at 9:40) I'll keep typing a little while longer.

Expressing myself verbally ad nauseum to my mother may have been a side effect of not feeling comfortable expressing myself to others.  Privacy has always felt like a big issue with me.  Whose business is it, anyway?

But the other part, it turns out, is, well, as a story teller, I had a tendency to just open my mouth and say anything.  And then I'd be left with these words and thoughts I didn't really believe.  So I learned, practiced, tried to keep my mouth shut.

Until now.  These last few years I've allowed myself to speak again.  Because I know what I believe.  And, actually more important, if I say something that's not a personal belief or knowledge, I know how to retract, or express my total lack of ignorance.  Because I've learned to accept myself.

Which is amusing, because the piece I was trying to right is about accepting - accepting self and others, and the different between accepting someone and admiring them.  So at least I wound up back on topic, didn't I?

And that puts it at 9:45.  Weird, since I am a pretty fast typer, that it takes so long to write so little.  So little in words anyway.  But the intensity behind it is huge.  Isn't it?  And, I'm not even going to proof read it.  So we'll see how I feel about this post tomorrow.

Thank you for reading.   This end the babble.

9:47

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila