How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila

Soapbox of Perception - Chemistry of Tears

this was written in January, 2013 - for myself, after my mom died.  I posted it on my website, before that website was here *g*, so you may have already read it. But given the season (Sawhain!), and the fact I like to reread this from time to time, I decided to post it again. - L

When someone we love dies, most humans express their emotions with tears.  Even if the death is a healing; even if we believe in a next life that is better, we cry.  The tears roil up out of some mysterious pit and head straight for the eyes.  Then they spread to the nose, the throat. A sound often emerges.  The body shakes.  The head aches.

We rarely get to control when we cry.  Sometimes we can control how much noise we make, whether it’s a few artistic tears or a flood.  Often, we can clench our teeth against the dying animal sounds.  The headache we can do little about.

But why do we cry?  Why does the emotional wave wash over us?  Why does the stomach clench and the breath hitch and the nose run?

Here is today’s theory, specifically related to death.

We create connections with each other, with family and friends and teachers and clients.  We form energetic bonds with many other beings.  Thus, when we think of said being, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and touch quickly upon that being.

When a being is alive, she is bound by the physical nature of the body, the limitations of the rules placed by time and space.  So when we think of the being, the energetic touch reveals information we are able to translate easily, even if we don’t know we’re doing it.

But when a being dies, her self is released from the physical form.  The soul or heart or consciousness or what have you becomes an energetic body.  This body, this state of being in whatever afterlife, is a body unbound.  It is a body that can experience, encompass, embrace, expand into a whole new existence.  An existence with which we, as bound humans, have little experience.

So when we think upon the being who is dead, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and we touch upon the awesomeness that is heaven or the universe or the cosmic mind or... or... or...  We touch upon the beauty we have no words for, the emotions we have no ability to feel, the richness that is overwhelming.  And we cry.  We cry from the wonder of it.  We cry from the shock of it.  We cry because we cannot experience the fullness of that existence.  We cry in fear and sorrow and wonder and desire and envy and anger and bewildered acceptance because that is how the human body releases the overflow of emotions.  When we are full physically, we belch.  When we are full emotionally, we cry.

So reach out to the beings who are no longer in this physical existence. Touch the other side, fel the connection and the wonder.  And let the tears fall.

I hope you have a wonderful memory!

-Lila

the Soapbox of Perception - The Chemistry of Tears

When someone we love dies, most humans express their emotions with tears.  Even if the death is a healing; even if we believe in a next life that is better, we cry.  The tears roil up out of some mysterious pit and head straight for the eyes.  Then they spread to the nose, the throat. A sound often emerges.  The body shakes.  The head aches.

We rarely get to control when we cry.  Sometimes we can control how much noise we make, whether it’s a few artistic tears or a flood.  Often, we can clench our teeth against the dying animal sounds.  The headache we can do little about.

But why do we cry?  Why does the emotional wave wash over us?  Why does the stomach clench and the breath hitch and the nose run?

Here is today’s theory, specifically related to death.

We create connections with each other, with family and friends and teachers and clients.  We form energetic bonds with many other beings.  Thus, when we think of said being, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and touch quickly upon that being.

When a being is alive, she is bound by the physical nature of the body, the limitations of the rules placed by time and space.  So when we think of the being, the energetic touch reveals information we are able to translate easily, even if we don’t know we’re doing it.

But when a being dies, her self is released from the physical form.  The soul or heart or consciousness or what have you becomes an energetic body.  This body, this state of being in whatever afterlife, is a body unbound.  It is a body that can experience, encompass, embrace, expand into a whole new existence.  And existence with which we, as bound humans, have little experience.

So when we think upon the being who is dead, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and we touch upon the awesomeness that is heaven or the universe or the cosmic mind or. . . or. . . or. . .  We touch upon the beauty we have no words for, the emotions we have no ability to feel, the richness that is overwhelming.  And we cry.  We cry from the wonder of it.  We cry from the shock of it.  We cry because we cannot experience the fullness of that existence.  We cry in fear and sorrow and wonder and desire and envy and anger and bewildered acceptance because that is how the human body releases the overflow of emotions.  When we are full physically, we belch.  When we are full emotionally, we cry.

So reach out to the beings who are no longer in this physical existence.  And when you cry at their memory, perhaps you are touching the other side and are full of the wonder.