If you're like me... The consumption is out of control

If you're like me, this last month has been full of  fullness. Eating everything in sight. Throwing food restrictions to the winds. Consuming things like your life depends upon it.

If you're like me, very few things are satisfying. That hunger is still there. The black hole amidst the bloated, extended belly is still gaping. The very thought of food is disgusting, but still you're driven to eat.

And if you're like me, it's not just food. You're buying things. So far it's been things you need, mostly, but the desire is there. To just roam the stores. To put your hands on things. To window shop with avarice.

So, if you're like me, you are finally realizing that this hunger, this greed, means there's something missing, something that we are desperately craving.

The body, the mind, the spirit, is looking for some nutrient somewhere, and we are on consumption overload.

What do we do about it?

Obviously, it's not an easy answer, or we would have already consumed, purchased, or immersed ourselves in the desired element. So how do we find out what we need?

I guess it's time to ask. And to listen.

For me, that means figuring out how I want to communicate with myself. Usually it is a combination of sitting in the sunshine, taking a shamanic journey, and writing and writing and talking and writing and talking.

Which takes SOOO much time!

But, it's going to take more time to lose all this extra weight I've brought in, attempting to find the answer. It's going to take more time to get rid of all the extra stuff I've purchased. And if I don't take the time to listen and ask what I really want /what I need, I am going to end up in a place where what I need is recovery. And that will take a LOT of time.

It's a difficult choice. What is right for today? Can I stop consuming unwanted things until I have the space and clarity to communicate with myself? Or do I need to take that time, for me, today?

If you're like me, all this consumption means your body needs something, desperately. It's time to find out what the need is.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila

If you're life me... cycles of belief

If you're like me, last week was amazing. You felt the confidence gather and grow; ideas burst forth; you got out and did things and stayed in and did things and really connected with the world. Last week was what you want your reality to feel like almost every day! If you're like me.

And if you're like me, today you're sitting in a kind of daze because, well, totally awesome amazing you seems to have left the building and you're back to hanging out with anxious, uncertain you.

If you're like me, it's kind of pissing you off.

Happily, if you're like me, you have tools for this sort of situation. So you sit. Calmly. Instead of rushing around trying to fulfill the list of "maybe I shoulds."
You fix your favorite drink and you take heartburn medication, because in the spirit of celebration you may have eaten a little too much yesterday.
 You breath, deep into your diaphragm.
 You journal.
 You expand outside of the situation.
You think about taking the calming coaching voice in a throttling grip, ripping it like a weed from your mind, giving it a good flame throwing, and running around like a spastic kitten (is that redundant?) just for the feeling of getting things done and where the HECK is that awesome person from last week she would know what to do!

But you know giving into the treadmill / monkey mind / lizard brain / quantity before quality thought is not actually productive or even helpful, so you take a deeper breath.

And you let it out!

And you take a deeper breath.

And you feel the relaxation easing down over the feverish brain, settling like a comforting hand around the shoulders.

And that helps you take a deeper breath. And you settle into yourself.

And you realize your calm awesome amazing self is right there. Sitting with you. Waiting for the storm to pass. Secure in the knowledge that there are always going to be vortexes but we have the tools and we have the plans. We know, now, what it feels like to be happy. Amazing. Top of the world, ma!

And we know what we want. To feel like that. As much and as often as possible. Even if we're not sure what exactly we're going to be doing - work, play, relationship, experience wise - we know that in this place, in this space, in this awesome confident mind set, we can try anything.

We believe in ourselves.

If you're like me, you woke up a little concerned that the amazing being of last week was just a short term event. But it's not. It simply that living isn't static. Life cycles. Energy shifts. Things happen. And now that we've practiced with our awesome amazing self, it's time to test drive her or him in slightly more difficult terrain. All we have to do is stay connected with ourselves. (simple, right?)

I hope you have a great day, and plenty of reminders to breath deep!

-Lila

I can see clearly now - or at least, clearer.

If you're like me, you believe in creating your own reality. And yet you find yourself sitting in silence, trying to figure out how to make that reality, well, real.

If you're like me, you've visualized and believed and practiced and been passionate, and yet you're STILL sitting, staring out the window, reviewing your actions and wondering where your happiness is.

If you're like me, you've done the books and the webinars and it feels like you have all the knowledge you need, but you just can't seem to build the bridge from desire to reality.

Happily, I just found another paving stone.

For years (yes, literally - since I was a teen) I have been practicing visualization. Seeing myself in this situation or that, winning scholarships, getting parts in plays, having book signings and going to dances. And for years my dreams have failed to manifest.

And yeah, I have given up time and time again.

And started up time and time again.

As a writer, and a believer in everything, my imagination is well honed. I can create marvelous scenarios in my mind. I can infuse them with a feeling of actuality. Characters in books are more real to me than people on the news.

And yet, here I still am, wondering what I have done wrong, wondering why I am "Undeserving" of the lifestyles I would like to try. Am I afraid? Is it not time, yet? Am I lazy? Am I really not that passionate about it?

Today's truth is, I haven't actually been visualizing myself where I want to be.

I haven't been visualizing MY SELF.

I haven't been seeing, feeling, being me.

In these grandiose dreams I have had for the future (travelling and writing and speaking and serving and being so very happy) the person playing the lead has been some bright, shiny witty soul with great hair and compassion for every being. Okay, yes, that could be me. But the tailored look, the dainty table manners, the soprano voice, the willowy figure moving easily and neatly through airport crowds... those are not me.

At all.

I like my sleeves to be pushed up, leaving my forearms bare.
I like my pants or skirts to be loose and at least a little flowy.
I rarely remember to iron.
I talk with my hands. I say "Um."
I often have to dig around in my bag, which I tend to overstuff.
I have a bawdy laugh, and I occupy space, even when I'm trying to give other people theirs.

If I'm going to see myself travelling, I need to really see MYSELF, with the inelegant flopping down into seats, dropping something onto the floor, feeling like everyone is staring at me because I'm taking too long to get my stuff onto the conveyor belt for the security check.

If I've going to see myself doing book signings, I need to see myself having those awkward moments where I and the store rep are trying to put each other at ease. And making the decision whether to write the same thing in everyone's book, or struggle to find something new. And drawing on my hand, accidentally. And being grateful to get back to the motel because sometimes it's difficult to be out among strange people.

If I'm going to see myself as a coach, I need to see the initial conversations with strangers, as we try to figure out if we're going to have a successful relationship. I need to see myself talking about the work I can do. I need to feel the way I fiddle with clothes, with hair. I need to acknowledge the pacing, and the way I sometimes stare intensely at people, because looking equals listening.

Instead of visualizing, I want to envision. Ha, or INvision. See myself, as I truly am, right now. Not some perfect action figure; not a character in a book titled "The Awesome Life of Lila." Me.

Glasses and wrinkled shirt and untamed hair and skin tags and laugh and hugs and enthusiasm and all.

If you're like me, it's time to put yourself, your real self, into the vision. Because the reality isn't in the perfect moment, it's in all the slow, uncertain steps it takes to get there.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

If you're like me... Working in Writing

If you’re like me, you’re in the middle of this interesting journey called “looking for work.” Not just a job, but work – the “I am what I do” kind of work. The kind where something you love puts food on the table and vacations in your memory.

If you’re like me, your work is creative.

If you’re specifically like me, you’re a writer. The feel of the keyboard is like the sound of waves to a surfer. The ideas come thick and fast. And, it turns out, so do the possibilities.

Almost too fast. Way too thick.

Because, if you’re like me, you started with the certainty that to be a writer meant to be published -- in magazine or book form -- and peddled through bookstores. But you’ve recently discovered just how many opportunities there are for your special skills. Options beyond finding an agent. Options that don’t take a year to reach fulfillment. Options that are actually being actively sought by people who will pay.

But so many options! Copywriter; blog writing; travel writer, greeting cards, and oh, what about editing? Where should we put that precious focus? How do we decide where to start? Because, really, what am I going to like or be good at, besides crafting my stories?

The good news is, most of these options are just another form of sending stories for publication. We can sift through the advertisements like we sift through publishers and agents, gleaning clues about voice and genre and experience. We can see what each company is about, and view samples if they’re provided.

We can pick something that sounds like a fit.

And then we can do the work. Jump in and apply and submit and, praise be to the Muses, write.

If you’re like me, it will take practice finding where and how (and for whom) you want to work. But it’s practice we need as writers anyway. And while we’re winding our way through the possibilities, we’ll be building our portfolios and sharpening our skills.

And at the end of the path, the table and the memories will be full.

I hope you have a great day!

-L

If you're like me - the feeling of success.

If you're like me, you want to be successful. You yearn to be successful. To be able to hold your head up high and walk amongst your family and peers and say - Finally! I am successful. And of course they applaud and cheer, and you walk away - heck you strut away - sure that you have the respect and admiration of the world.

If you're like me, you're concerned that being successful will change you in unpleasant ways . You could become mean, or selfish in a bad way. You might quit hanging out with the "little people." You might, as so often happens in movies and books, be overwhelmed by the sycophants and forget what's really important. You might buy a house that's too big or clothes you hate wearing or… or… or…

But, if you're like me, you've been this journey for a while, the journey of self-discovery. You've deconstructed and reconstructed yourself so many times, you're not always sure it's really you strutting down the street (and tripping over the invisible lip in the sidewalk, and laughing because you don't care who saw you, shit happens, keep strutting.)

So, if you're like me and you really want to know what you'd be like when you're successful, let's take a little trip. 
Through our very own space.

What would your home (be it house, apartment, car, tent) feel like, if you were successful? How would it change? Before you end up moving into a different house, apartment, car or tent… because, if you're like me, you're pretty happy where you are right now, so being successful is going to come before any moving.

If you're like me, you'll start in the closet. Stare around at the clothes, the shoes. The piles. The laundry basket. When you are successful, what will this closet be like? How will the clothes change? Will there be more shoes? And who will do the laundry?

Moving on. Bedroom (or rooms). What will change in there? What about the bathroom? New towels? New products? Kitchen. Living Room. Oh, here's a biggy. Your home office. How will that change? New electronics? More pens? Again, will someone else do the cleaning? The cooking? Will there be more organizing? Less?

Looking honestly at where you are and what you have, and knowing who you are, can you get a feel for what success will look like, what it will feel like, in this space?

For me, personally, the biggest change will be (I hope) the clothes. They will suit my personality and my body type! Of course, in order to get those clothes, I'm going to have to go to a "real" clothes store. And probably find a personal dresser, or whatever they're called, so I can find out what my style is. Which means one of those scary stores, with bright make-up counters, and clothes easily visible on the racks, and space between the aisles, and clearance items discreetly moved to a whole different building. THOSE stores. Success is not going to change my ability to walk comfortably into one of those stores. Only practice can do that.

Hmm. Maybe it would be more accurate to say success in my closet will look like having the clothes I am comfortable finding and buying.

Kind of like what I have now.

The furniture we want to replace, we'll replace, regardless of the label of success. The electronics run on their own time table which has little to do with success (though more efficient tools might actually help move toward success!) The food won't change; I'll probably still do my own laundry, which means I'll probably still shy away from dry cleaning and the ironing will still be more wish than deed. (so much for finer clothes.) 

In fact, when I look at it that way, the only thing that will really change in this place with success is having someone come in and clean the bathroom. Every week. Rain or shine. And since he/she is here, maybe I'll ask her to clean the kitchen and run the vacuum too. 

I don't even know if we'd want to move. Sure, there are some annoying factors, like only 1 bathroom and air conditioning units outside the window; but other than that, we love our location, the quick drive to the main streets, the view out the back door. Maybe I'd appreciate a little more room to do Tai Chi - I don't know if a water buffalo could lie down in that space.

Now, I do know that one change will be having an actual office outside of the home. Maybe an office suite. Heck, maybe a whole building. Then I can do my Tai Chi there. And my dance parties.

But, to get back on the subject, if you're like me, not much is actually going to look or feel different with the label "success". Maybe finalizing a few changes you already plan to make, but those change don't HAVE to wait for success.

So, if you're like me, success won't really be changing you at all. Success is gonna pretty easy. Pretty normal. No big deal.

In fact, maybe success is closer than we think, and any changes that might have been for the worst have already been dealt with. Pretty awesome. 

So you know what? If you're like me, let's bring on the success!

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

If you're like me - Too Many People

If you're like me, you've been looking for your people.

You do not spend all your time staring into faces, but you do glance surreptitiously from time to time, especially in a crowd. There's a sense of anticipation, every time you go to a new place, which lends additional excitement to each adventure. Perhaps I'll find someone here.

If you're like me, you've begun to classify people. You find there are similarities in people. There are brands, or types. Classes.  Beyond, or maybe crossing, lines of race, culture, gender, economic status. You expected your travels to bring you more variety instead of less; but perhaps there are only a finite number of ways to create a human body. Maybe it's natural that a specific body type will gravitate toward a certain style of dress; after all, it looks really good on them. And I have noticed that they also tend to gravitate toward similir activities, music preferences, forms of expression.

If you're like me, this classification process makes things both better and worse. Better because you can quickly feel comfortable with a person simply because you know their type. Worse because you might have a tendency to use those categorizations a little too much, place expectations or labels on people just because they look like someone else. (hmm, is that how prejudice gets started?)

If you're like me, you've even discovered a few people who are your type. You've seen yourself up on stage, behind a desk, with three children in tow. A portrait of all the choices you've thought about making. A quantum flux of "If onlys" right in front of you.

And none of these are your people. Cuz if you're like me, you've already made a decision about the look-a-likes. And you don't really want to be friends with yourself (though maybe that's something to work on.) You know yourself way too well. And there's that whole paradox thing you're concerned about. (don’t cross the streams!)

So how do you find new people? When you are at the gathering of singers, or accountants, or dog walkers. How do you find your people?

If you're like me, you look for the ones you don't recognize.

You look for the people who stand out, to you. Maybe even the ones you admire. Obviously, if there's something you admire about someone, there's an attraction. A calling? A chance for a connection. But it could just be someone who feels totally foreign. If you, if I, actually see someone well enough to know I don't know them, that means they have something interesting to me.

 So, I put myself out there. I ask. I practice making the connections. If she is not part of my clan, I'll figure it out. It's all practice anyway. There are no wrong choices. And I'll admit, this part, this "networking" is much easier in the midst of people I feel I already know.

And what an interesting exercise, for me, to see how I choose people. To see what kind of people I think are "cool". I'm still not sure what attracts that first look, that focus.  I don't seem to judge by height or hair or voice. Clothes? Maybe it is a light, a spark, a vibration that hums subconsciously in harmony.

Also interesting, how pleasant it is not to feel I have to befriend everyone! I'm not saying I snub a person on purpose, but to feel free from the need to know every single person, to be nice and acceptable to every single person. How lovely.

But the most interesting thing I've noticed is, once I've identified someone as a possibility, once I've made the mental  connection, I don't need to cling to them. They're on my radar. I'm probably on theirs. And we'll get together again when there is time. If there is time. It doesn't even have to be on this plane. It might not even be in this life! Who knows? The urgency was in identifying the connection, saying yes or no to the invitation, or sending out an invitation. Finding my people. And making myself known to them.

If you're like me, there are a thousand thousand people out there you know, in one form or another. Almost too many people, as the Up With People song says. But there are only 6 in every thousand who might be one of YOUR people.

I hope you are finding your clan as well as I'm finding mine!

-Lila

If you're like me.... Today, happiness is... Not.

If you're  like me, it's been an interesting few days. Where interesting can be translated as "painful", "frustrating," "difficult," "mind-bending," "weight gaining," "bad hair," and "suck-ass". 

So what do we do, with all this pain, all this frustration, the desire to simply return to the shell, the womb, the bed, the other world? When all of our tricks and tips and tools seem useless against the waves of anguish? When you look in the mirror and really don't like what you feel? When it's all you can do to be civil - and bright and cheerful is no longer an option? What do we do?

Between all the posts on FB, and my personal feelings, the first thought in my head is we just push the red button! But. That's not the advice I would give to anyone else. And knowing we teach that which we most need to learn, I shall reach a little deeper than the pain and say…

We let go and we accept.

We stop trying to analyze. We stop hyperventilating. We stop forced deep breathing. We drop the bootstraps. We lower our chin. We drop the load and we stop grinning.

We give in. "I am in a nasty, sulky mood." "I feel awful and sad and frustrated." "I feel like giving up." "I feel pain." "I just don't care."

I have to tell you, the minute I started thinking that, my mood elevated. Because I was free of the self-imposed prison of who I ought to be.

I am allowed to be crabby. I am allowed to feel less than 100%. There is no reason. No rhyme. I don't know where the pain is, and I don't know why I feel it today. I don't what I'm allergic to. I don't know what's annoying me. I don't know how deep the grief is and if it will ever end and what will set it off this time. I don't know what tomorrow brings. And I am so tired of answering these questions. Tired of asking these questions. Tired of working.

I give in. Today, I give up. I am not going to push against the walls of anything; I’m not going to resist the grumpy mood, and I sure am not going try and accomplish anything when my mood is like this. I'd just have to do it over.

So I accept. I release. I let go. And I ply myself with as many caramel chocolate yogurt shakes as I want.

Because, if you're like me, when you're happy, there is no struggle. There is no resistance. There may be fear, uncertainty, and definitely a lot of practice. But none of this "oh, shoot me now!" despair. None of this blind beating against an invisible wall.

And if you're like me, you want to be happy all the time, yes?

But, if you're like me, you're human, and the weather turns, and we age, and stuff hurts. So. In order to be happy, we have to allow all the emotions to have play. The grumpy, the angry, the righteous, the goofy, the dopey, and the sad. To be in our truth, we have to be IN our truth, even if that truth is not bathing for a week or binging on alphabetizing everything in the home.

If you're like me, you eventually accept yourself, even when you're the Bitch from the Back of the Beyond. You give in. You declare. You celebrate.

And, in the middle of your pity party, you find a small gleaming nugget of happiness. Because, if you're like me, accepting your truth of the moment has set you free.

I hope you have a(n) [insert adjective here] day.

-Lila

If you're like me... who shall cut your hair?

If you're like me, having someone else cut your hair can be, shall we say, challenging. Even when you've practiced explaining how you want your hair cut, expressing it to a stranger is a difficult task. And then, when it all goes wrong, you're not sure where to place blame. (and if you're like me, you don't even like the word blame.)

If you're like me, you also have that introvert thing going on, with a hefty dose of "Be polite!" in your upbringing. So when you find yourself being interrogated by a complete stranger... Who is cutting your hair.... You have to be nice, don't you?

Now, imagine walking into a place that does NOT feel like a steel and glass torture chamber. It's light and airy. It smells nice too. Before you wonder if you're in the right spot, you see the salon off to the side. Out of the way. NOT in the immediate view of anyone who walks in off the street.

Because this salon is also a metaphysical store. Cool. If you're like me, you relax a little more.

There's a nice little cubby for your purse. You give up your protective sweater. And you sit in the salon chair.

You tell the woman what you want (ooh, well done. Articulate and everything. Yay you!) You get a shampoo. You brace yourself, just a little.

The woman talks about herself and the store. And then, and THEN, as you're staring at yourself in the mirror, she says... "So, tell me a little about yourself. But only if you want to."

If you're like me, you actually turn your head and stare at her.

"I wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable," she says.

At that moment, it wouldn't have mattered what she did to my hair. I'd still be singing praises right now.

However, each time I have looked in the mirror, I have said, "all right". I think she, and therefore I, has done good. 

I think I actually look forward to looking into the mirror tomorrow (after having slept on it. The true test of Lila hair appreciation!).

I am feeling pretty darn confident about looking in the mirror 2 weeks from now.

I don't think I have found the hair style I am looking for, but I'm pretty sure I have found my salon. I'm a little giddy.

A witch cut my hair, and I like it. And if you're like me, you'll like it too. Please check out http://www.spellbound13.com/.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

If you're like me, you have a sister.

If you're like me, when people post sappy stuff about sisters, and how they're best friends forever, you just kind of roll your eyes and scroll on.  Cuz you know that the word "Frienemies" was made for sisters.  Possibly even the word "nemesis".

If you're like me, you realize there's no other woman who was there - who knows what you mean when you relate back to childhood training and experiences that have shaped your current existence. 

If you're like me, you can hurt each other like no one else, simply because these shared experiences lead you to expect shared language.  But your sister has her own points of view, and perceptions, and experiences, and dreams that are totally different from yours.  And if you're like me, you have no idea how 2 people raised in the same household could be so…  not even opposite…  unaligned. 

If you're like me,  you are connected so deeply to your sister, you feel safe enough to ignore her for months on end, 'cause you each have to work through current experiences your own way.  And yeah, you're grateful when you need to reach out, 'cause you know she'll reach back, eventually.

And that it's reciprocal.

'Cause if you're like me, you love your sister deeper than the mountains and higher than your desired level of income.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Failing Asleep

If you're like me, sometime it's tough to fall asleep.

I don't think it's the full blown insomnia that some people have.  It doesn't happen every night, or even consistently enough to be a PROBLEM.  But it does happen, and it is frustrating.

And I'm not talking about the nights you just stay up, playing your games, reading your book, while you tell yourself you really should be in bed.  Ha.  If you're like me, you've cut back on your reading because of that tendency.

No, the most frustrating nights (if you're like me) are the nights when you know you're tired.  The nights you go to bed early.  The nights you've flung yourself on the bed before finishing your nightly routine, and you drag yourself back up again because you MUST finish.  And then, when you finally get snuggled in all proper and ready, the brain kicks into high gear and you don't sleep.

Well, you feel like you don't sleep.  If you're like  me, it is possible you slip into a doze in between bouts of intense wakefulness.  You don't realize you've been asleep, so all you're aware of is the wakefulness.  Is the wanting to be asleep.  Is the "Oh my Gods, why can't I be asleep?  I want the warm cozy snuggly feeling of just waking up, of drifting on dreams, not this cold, isolated, left out feeling of aching restless body & over active, repetitious, mind.  Shut up shut up shut up!"

So, if you're like me, you've developed some ways to deal with it.

Here are my two favorites.  The first is a tool to replace the repetitious thoughts or scenarios which run around and around in the head.  There is a track, I swear, which seems to enjoy repeating things!  (Maybe it's the learning track, because that is one way I learn - by doing the same thing over and over again until I get it right.)  So, when I want to sleep, I occupy that track with something familiar & monotonous - the alphabet song.

I like to sing it without a pause between letters, so I finish the alphabet before I finish the tune.  This gives my puzzle loving brain something to concentrate on, while still being monotonous enough to be lulled into sleep. 

If this doesn't work, and sometime it doesn't,  I move onto step two - the countdown.  I start at 100 and count  to 1.  Simple and easy.

This has many benefits.  If you're like me, the countdown is associated with meditation, and that means relaxation.  So as you countdown, your body starts releasing.  You may be amazed at which muscles have been tensed in the effort to MAKE yourself fall asleep.  (My buttocks and upper thighs are big favorites for sneaky tension.)

The other benefit is the monotony.  You have to really concentrate.  It's so easy to get distracted from the countdown: By the wandering thoughts.  By the relaxation.  By the alphabet sneaking back in.  And often by that little rebellious child who will insist on falling asleep when you're trying to stay awake and count. 

I rarely make it to 1.  When I do make it to 1, I get out of bed, and go to another room.  I read a chapter, play a video games, or do some work for an hour.  Then I go back to bed and try again.

But I have to make it to 1.  If I realize I've stopped somewhere, or I'm not sure what number comes next, I have to start over.  At 100.  And count down all the way to 1, clearly, concisely, consciously.  I have to make it to 1.

Just last night, I was ready to bound out of bed when I realized I had stopped at 9.  I hadn't actually made it to 1.

I had to start all over. 

I never made it to 70.

Sleep rocks.

I hope you have a great night!

-Lila

If You're Like Me - suffering is bogus

If you're like me, you've never felt suffering was necessary for art. Or for any form of success, for that matter. Sure, strength of character can be built out of a desire to leave an untenable situation, but such situations are not a necessary ingredient for success!  Desire can be felt without despair; will power can be honed without helplessness.

But, if you're like me, despite the positivity you’ve learned at your father’s knee, regardless of the support and love and will power and faith, you’ve been sucked into the transitional vortex that has infected so many.  It may have been easier for you than for those around you, or it came at a more convenient time, or you simply had more time to prepare.  And, if you’re like me, you were grateful to have gotten off so easy.  Comparatively.  For you were floating were others were flailing.

But emotions do not measure trauma by events in others’ lives.  Emotion is totally and completely and rightfully concerned with “Me!” And now that the shock is over, now that the clinging and making it work and the need for strength is passed. . .  Well, if you’re like me, the breakdown has happened.  Is happening.  Will happen for the next little while.  And you find yourself, somewhat to your astonishment, climbing out of your own personal pit of despair.  You are forging your own path because the traditions, the patterns, the lessons of “the before” seem useless in the now.  You are building your own tunnel through the chaotic energy around you.

And the light at the end actually seems to be the light of success.  Dreams seem about to come true.  Hard work is preparing to pay off.  The Universe has finally set a delivery date for the order you placed many years ago and it doesn’t even have the grace to look sheepish about it.

The frustration of it all, the simple fact that you had to suffer before succeeding, is almost enough to make you turn back to the pit and wallow in the despair for a little while longer.  How dare it?  How dare the Universe go against the very core of your belief in self?  Why now?  Now of all times?  Why not a year ago?  Or even six months?  Why now?  Appreciation be blessed.  You can take this success and. . . 

. . .And.  If you’re like me, now we come to the sticking point.  Because, let’s face it, we have been working toward this moment, this light at the end of the tunnel, the peak at the top of the mountain, the credits at the end of the movie, for so very long.  Our indignation may keep us warm, but it won’t keep us fed, and it certainly won’t fulfill our dreams.  Our desires.  Our success.  Our art!

So.  If you’re like me, if comes back, always, forever, to the art.  To the dream.  To the need to be (shrug) whatever it is we are.  Cause if we don’t move toward that light now, we’ll just end up digging another tunnel.

So let’s take it now.

If you’re like me, it’s been a long hard road; harder than it should have been, harder than it ever had to be.  And fear is raising it’s head, even as we reach for the physical symbol of our success.  But if you’re like me, you’re gonna reach anyway.  And you’re gonna grasp that trophy, that degree, that contract, that check, the keys or the clothes or the jewels with both hands.  Because you are awesome and you did work hard and you deserve every good thing on which you can get your hands.

If you’re like me.