Enlightenment is Awesome - Teach me Again!

Ah, trusting oneself.  Practicing what one preaches.  Grasping onto the lifeline of happiness when one is amid the whirlwind of decision making.

Yup, Lila got sucked into the future vortex again and quit practicing a lot of stuff.  A lot of stuff.  Okay, that's not true.  I practiced.  I simply practiced less well than I would have liked.

So is she going to rant and rail against herself, spending precious moments berating herself and focusing on what she did wrong?  Not intentionally.  She's going to…  I am going to write about it instead.

The tenets that have been popping up in the last few days are these:

  We teach that which we most need to learn.

 Treat myself as I would treat others.

This has now become three posts in one, really.  Three different topics to focus on.  Or 4 or 12.  But we'll just focus on today (tenet #3) and write what I need to write.  We'll figure the rest out later.

I have been in a tizzy of non-decision making and over-eating and pain.  And who knows which comes first?  But (#4) does the why really matter?  Not in this case.

I have thousands of ideas running around inside my head.  Some are for writing, but some are for the future of my business, or the future of myself, or the possible future of the world.  All of which, by the way, could become writing ideas .  Heck, they could all be the same thing! So it's difficult to tell which is what.  Which is possible only on paper, and which is possible if I just have enough passion, desire, energy, courage, elbow grease, money, happiness, motivation…  ?

There are so many things I think would be fun, exciting, interesting.  Things I would love to try.  Things at which I would love to excel.  And since I do actually believe anything is possible, it's very easy to lose myself in a night full of "where is my passion, desire, energy, etc.?"

With all these ideas I sometimes feel like Hwel, the playwright in Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters.  And, as I said, I do get lost amongst them.  Drowning in the current of intentions and desires.  So I get out of the pool all together and  lose myself in video games and books.

Do I cast the runes, as I would for others, as I would advise others to do?  Not really.  Though I have done a very good job of doing the daily reading and the follow up post.

Do I meditate with purpose, as I would advise others to do?  Um, no.  I meditate, and let my thoughts run wherever they wish.

Okay, so then do I allow myself the time to swim through the raging river of ideas?  To relax and float and enjoy all the possibilities, even if they're things I don't really want to do?  Oh.  Uh, no.  Because they deal with something so important!  The future and my happiness.

Okay.  Did I at least enjoy the movies and the books and the food I escaped with?  Well….

And let's be honest.  Remember honesty?  The key to happiness?  No martyrdom is necessary, no drama is desired.  (I guess that's #5.)

Then yes and no.  I didn't enjoy all the food, which is frustrating, because if I'm going to imbibe more calories than I want to, I should at least enjoy them, right?!  Right.  But the books and the movies I very much enjoyed.  I laughed and cried and came out of myself for a little.

And then I did actually meditate with intention.  And I realized, I don't even know what the question is.  "What do I want?" is what I think the question should be, but there are so many answers I would be meditating all day!  "What makes me happy?"  Well, that's pretty much the same thing. 

So I let myself go, a little, to see which direction I was heading.  And then I found myself.  It was kind of like grabbing myself and giving myself a big hug, which brought me through all the yammering, clamoring ideas and down to the kernel of myself.

And the question became, "What should I do next?"

And the answer, "Trust yourself."

It took me awhile still to settle down.  I read some more.  And ate some more because I did enjoy the flavor and the texture.

And then I woke up this morning to clarity.  And remembrance.  A very important remembrance.

#6.  Today is what matters.  This moment.  This breath.  The TRUTH of this moment.

How have I gotten through every difficult moment?  By knowing it would end.  How have I stretched out and enjoyed every glorious happy moment?  By remembering to savor it, because it too would end.  And who knows what the next moment will really bring?  We cast our nets, put our hopes and thoughts out there and we trust.  Trust ourselves, because we are all part of the vast network of the universe.

Sometimes we receive things too late.  Sometimes we receive them too early.  Sometimes we choose things that feel utterly wrong 3 months later.  #7 - It's never right or wrong.  It's always learning.  And as long as I follow the truth of the moment, I can always be happy.  Always.

So yes.  We make decisions for the future.  What I want now and what I want later.  We are always balancing the two worlds, and trying to see things from the outside view to get the whole picture.  We are always influenced by others and we are always striving for nurturing and protection and healing and foundation.  We are every single rune, encompassed.  The known and the unknown.  We are infinite possibilities, every future and every past.  Every choice and every reaction.  WE are each all of those.

So, once more, I choose to be the choices that make me happy.  I choose what I want for this moment.  I choose to accept responsibility for myself and keep moving forward and exploring the hundred thousand different things I want to try no matter my perceptions of others' opinions.  I will trust myself.  I DO trust myself.  And I choose to be happy.  Now.

And since that is what I most wish to learn, I hope this has helped someone else do the same.

Thank you.  I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

A dark and stormy night

It is a dark and stormy night.  And if another word is said, it's going to be a dark, stormy and deadly night.

I realize I am responsible for this situation I find myself in.  The dark and the storm are all inside my head.  But that makes it no less frustrating.

I have tried writing about peace.  Or about packs.  Or even just write a short story.  And nothing flows.  Because the outside influences do not play well with inside streaming.

I am the one allowing myself to feel irritated.  Peaceless.  Packless.  And definitely storyless.

There is no use and no sense in railing against the outside influences.  They are who and what they are.  They have as much right to be whatever they are as I have the right to be whatever I am.  Whoever.  Whomever?  The trick is in learning to adapt.  So let's find the real root of the problem.

I am annoyed because this is the third or fourth week in a row where I will be posting a last minute post to my blog.   I am not proud of this, even if this posts turns out well.  I like the process of writing it all out, then refining it.  It helps me learn what I am learning, and express what I am trying to express.  Coherently.  But once more I found myself staring at the calendar notification with nothing to show for my week of blog babbling.  And I have been jotting down ideas!

Today I at least tried to catch the wave on some of the feelings of the waiting ideas.  I will give myself kudos for that.  Especially since one of the posts is about inner peace…  how peace is supposed to come from releasing the resistance to outside irritations and letting them filter through harmlessly.

Yeah.  I'm gonna have to keep working on that.

But the posting process is also about practice, isn't it?  So far, my attempts to get something I feel is post worthy written before the deadline have been unproductive.  So it's time to change when & how I do the writing.

Does it have to do with  my perceptions of others' perceptions?  It's okay to "work" at writing when I’m alone.  But it's so hard to justify writing as "work" when others are present.  This is a perception I myself need to practice.  But perhaps if I actually produce things when I write, then I will feel like it is work - in the good and fulfilling sense of the word.

Rather like practicing my vocal exercises.  Today was my first official practice at home, and I could just imagine the thoughts in neighbors' heads.  They probably weren't even home!  And I haven't heard them talk, so who's to say how much they can hear of my singing?  But still, the auto-critic is quite happy to sit on my shoulder and point out how embarrassing their opinions might be.   And while I firmly believe their opinions are none of my business, still it helped to practice with earphones.  After a while, I will gain enough confidence to put the vocal lessons on the speaker and actually listen to my voice ring through the room AND out the open window!  La!

Similarly, it's time to find a way that works with my writing, so that my work actually produces some writing.  Currently (as in right now) that way seems to be writing when no one else is present.

I can do other things when others are present, like my 'Rithmatic.  All that paper and pens and calculators and beeps make it seem very official and respectable work.  And when outside influence start getting loud, I can slip on the headphones and the music won't influence my train of thought.  That's the beauty of numbers.

And when all is quiet on my front, I can write.  I can start my days with my worlds and ideas and philosophical thoughts.  Rather like  meditation, yes?  It seems almost self-indulgent, to play with my writing before I do the Rithmatic.  Or the Retail.

Yup, perception is queen.

So, still working it out.  Step by step.  Moment by moment.  Adjusting each thing as we go along.  And yay to me for continuing in the forward motion.

In fact, yay to all of us who are continuing forward.  Who adjust and adapt, who bob and weave, who acknowledge that one way doesn't work and so we try another way.  And another.  And another.

Because let's face it.  Murder and mayhem may seem like marvelous ideas in the middle of the dark and stormy night.  (Not to mention great story fodder.)  But in the light of the new day, I'd much rather look back at pages of writing, and feelings of productiveness, than have to worry about explaining the mess on my carpet to a jury of my peers. 

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

The Little Things - a ramble

The sight of my keyboard sitting casually next to my drum makes me deliriously happy.   And I realize Richard Carlson has it wrong.  We should sweat the small stuff.

The "big" things are nothing but a whole bunch of little things, built one on top of the other.  Whether it's training for sports, or learning a new mental skill, we do it step by step.  Learning to walk leads to hand eye coordination leads to sharp shooters and artists.  Every journey starts with the first step.  A beach is a pile of individual grains of sand.  It's not all the straws, but the final straw.

Physics or metaphysics, life all comes down to one, single, little thing.

Experts, the ones we really admire, can pick out all the little things: the type of cocoa bean and where it's from; the combination of spices; the single note in the chord.  It is the little hidden jokes that make the whole show (or book) funny.  It is the single line or thought which, replayed, brings the story together.  The taste, the instrument, the voice, the color, the stitch or the smell.  The little, individual, thing.

If it weren't for the little things, we would have no variety.  Without variety, we would have no favorites.  Granted, we might then have no communication issues, because we would all be seeing the same thing with the same appreciation.  But then, we would have no individuality either, and therefore, we would not be human.

Being human is all about the little things.

It's the little things that make something not exactly right, whether it's the lyrics in the second verse, or the too perfect angle of the roof.  We chide ourselves because we're judging.  We don't wish to settle, but we know there is no "perfect" match, whether it's in parts, or partners.

But there is an individual perfection - in the combination of the little things.  And that's what we're really looking for.  A look within blue eyes, to match the smile on ruby lips, to go with the brown hair that parts in exactly the right direction, accompanied by the smell, the voice, the habits, the phrasing, the way of walking, the laugh, the height.  It's all the little things together, answering to all of our senses.

My keyboard makes me happy, as it sits near my drum for me to see while I type on another keyboard which also makes me giddily happy - because of the way it feels, the way it sound, the way it looks, and of course the fact it's part of a happy little laptop.  It is very near to perfection.  Which means to me my future happiness must include keeping these things (the keyboard, the drum, the laptop) near.  And to keep these things near, I must use them.  Make them part of my life, not just trophies on the shelf, or against the wall.  Otherwise the little things become big things, mementoes.  Things of the past.  Signposts, sure, but distractingly full of little "was"es and might-have-beens.   Sad, poignant, over-with little things.

I want my little things to be moving forward.  In use.  Constantly improving.  And happy.  Like me.

The magic, the life, the happy is in the little things.

I hope you have a great day, every little moment!

-Lila