Enlightenment is Awesome, my ass! (and various other body parts)

Actually, this post isn't about my derriere. Of all the body perceptions I have, my butt is not something I ever focused on changing. It was never too short or too big. It never failed to function. It always cushioned me nicely when sitting, and...

... well, I'm trying to find a light-hearted way to comment on the various substances humans process, and how we do so, but it's just too early to talk about it. And too taboo.

But that is the point of this post. Taboos. and Bodies. And what I really think about mine.

I wrote a whole stream of meandering yesterday, which I did not post, describing how difficult it was for me to accept my body. MY body. My favorite part is this...

"I strove to be better at activities. At actually physically being active.
I wanted to be thinner. Prettier. To eat less.
I wanted to dance better. and sing better. And be able to manipulate my body like gymnasts.
I wanted to be light and airy. And slender and willowy. And long and lean.
Perhaps like a unicorn, yes? With a glorious, multicolored mane and such a lightness of being!"

I FEEL myself as 5'6", lean and graceful, every hair exactly where I placed it, pressed and polished.

And yet, in the mirror, I see myself as frumpy and short and round, and I rarely iron, and I'm messy, and I need a five minute break after a two minute dance.

"Frankly, I am at the stage where I would stand up and point dramatically to the witness stand and proclaim, "My body betrayed me!""

Well, I was at that stage yesterday morning. Obviously, being the awesome and amazing Do It Yourself Improvement Advanced Practitioner that I am (can you read that 10 times fast?, ) I instead started using tools suggested by my path partner.

Every morning for at least a week, I am finding 5 things about my body for which I am grateful. (And yes, that took a while, yesterday, because often I would follow it up with, "Yeah, but...")

And I listened to Dain Heer, a practitioner of Access Consciousness - which is, it turns out, a healing modality that's right up the Happiness Alley.

And the tool I focused on, all of yesterday, was the phrase "Who does this belong to?"
Instead of going into the long explanation of it, I shall post the link to his quick (8 mins) video discussing this tool. LINK

So, I spent a good long time yesterday weighing hunger, exhaustion, annoyance, tension, and expectations against the phrase "Who does this belong to?"

I did combine it with my own personal version of releasing resistance (workshop tonite!) and a lovely visual of chucking unneeded stuff out of the mental attic.

By the time I went to bed, I was so light! Like I'd taken a muscle relaxant.

Of course, this morning I was up and at it again. Judge judge judge. What if What if What if. Why can't I? Why won't I? Why aren't I?

Who does that belong to?
Who does THAT belong to?
WHO does that belong to?

There were some I was surprised weren't mine.

The body gratitude was easier.

And then, as I was sitting on the bed, contemplating my vision of being soft spoken and calm and proper (Julie Andrews) versus my actual bawdy and robust self (Bette Midler,) the automatic track of "Who does that belong to?" intersected with the willowy blonde vision.

And the world exploded.

Not me. Not ME. NOT ME!

It has nothing to do with me.

I am one with this body. With my body. 5'4". Amazing and versatile hair. A laugh that can fill a cathedral. Strong fingers for typing. Happy in my clothes, even when there's spaghetti sauce on my breast (and yes, the stain is always on the breast.) I love to dance, even if only for 2 minutes.

And I'll stand on my tiptoes to hug, because I do still feel so tall and expansive.

Yeah, my body, mind, and spirit have more exploring to do as I accept myself and what things my body CAN do. (And we're still discussing how much dark chocolate I REALLY need to consume in a day.) But when I look in the mirror, it won't be with the expectation of seeing something I never was.

Enlightenment is Awesome. I'm happy I am awesome enough to find it!

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - and Light

As in not heavy. As in expansive. As in free.

Perhaps enlightenment isn't about ascending, or about feeling smarter or holier. Perhaps enlightenment is about weightlessness. The bright bubbling joy of feeling light on my feet. Light in my head. Light as air.

With air, we fly. We may need to use a lot of heavy machinery to get there, but we are spacious and expansive in the air.

And even when the water freezes, we find ways to move lightly across is. To be light. To flow smoothly. To fly. 

What about summer, when we remove all our clothes, open up to the sun. Free ourselves from the shelters we've created. We stretch and lighten up. The earth itself expands, opening out to accept the light.

And do we not dance? Light on our feet? Flashing like the fire that skips and bubbles and pops when it is doing what it was created to do? Dancing, are we not connected with every other flowing being, through the sound of music and the flow of movement and the flashing light?

Enlightenment - that joyful, airy, nirvana moment of peace and acceptance and balance -- perhaps it is about light. Being light. Being expansive, embracive, feet won't touch the ground and everything is dancing and flowing, we are all connected, and the smile won't leave my face, light.

I hope you are EN LIGHT every moMENT you desire it!

-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Tell me what I want!

In the last few days of this wonderful transitional time, the song that has most often played through my head is by the Spice Girls.

But, I tend to change the words.

"So, tell me what I want...

Yeah, tell me what I want...

I really really really wanna...."

And I pause hopefully, waiting for some melodious voice to fill in the answer.

It never does, because what I want won't fit into so few bars of music.

I wanna read, write, sing, speak several languages fluently, travel all over the world, stay curled up at home, have a really cool job in a big company, be a spiritual counselor in my own store, bake cake and eat it.  I wanna ride horses, have dogs and cats and bees and birds and squirrels and wolves and white tigers.  I wanna dive into warm water, swim in mountain lakes, drive fast cars, drive cars fast (tee hee), take the light rail to work, walk to work, work from home, meditate all day long, dance half the day away, play the music loud, sit in silence.  I wanna hang out with friends, with family, have coffee in small groups and give large parties.  Oh yes, and I wanna play videos games, bake bread, sew skirts, crochet scarves, read the runes, reconcile bank statements, file books, meet authors, go to pagan festivals, attend CONS, grow flowers, have an assistant, study theology and philosophy and psychology and archeology, live on a boat, live on a farm, live in a commune, have a townhome exactly where my apartment is located, have all the money I'll ever need, not need to have money.  I wanna walk through the wildflowers on a snow covered mountain  next to the beach.  With a unicorn.  And Wesley Crusher from Next Gen.

In short, I want it all!  And given the way we've "tamed" the time/space continuum, that would take many life-times.  

So the question becomes not only, what do I want now?  Not even, what do I need now?  But, what, in a year from now, will I still be happy I've done?

And it appears going back to school for anything! is not currently in my plans.  I can daydream about studying Theology in Wales (and wouldn't that be AWESOME?  There's even a course where it's taught in Welsh!)   Also out is getting an accounting degree and going into forensic accounting - the ultimate puzzle job, in my opinion.  They would both be interesting and very involved careers, but...  all that time and energy, I would rather spend with friends, and husband, and family, and pets.  And nature and spirits, books and video games.  Oh yes, and music.

So, that's two things put on the "next life" list.  Or possibly a previous one.  Only 553 thousands more things to choose from.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila 

Enlightenment is Awesome - Teach me Again!

Ah, trusting oneself.  Practicing what one preaches.  Grasping onto the lifeline of happiness when one is amid the whirlwind of decision making.

Yup, Lila got sucked into the future vortex again and quit practicing a lot of stuff.  A lot of stuff.  Okay, that's not true.  I practiced.  I simply practiced less well than I would have liked.

So is she going to rant and rail against herself, spending precious moments berating herself and focusing on what she did wrong?  Not intentionally.  She's going to…  I am going to write about it instead.

The tenets that have been popping up in the last few days are these:

  We teach that which we most need to learn.

 Treat myself as I would treat others.

This has now become three posts in one, really.  Three different topics to focus on.  Or 4 or 12.  But we'll just focus on today (tenet #3) and write what I need to write.  We'll figure the rest out later.

I have been in a tizzy of non-decision making and over-eating and pain.  And who knows which comes first?  But (#4) does the why really matter?  Not in this case.

I have thousands of ideas running around inside my head.  Some are for writing, but some are for the future of my business, or the future of myself, or the possible future of the world.  All of which, by the way, could become writing ideas .  Heck, they could all be the same thing! So it's difficult to tell which is what.  Which is possible only on paper, and which is possible if I just have enough passion, desire, energy, courage, elbow grease, money, happiness, motivation…  ?

There are so many things I think would be fun, exciting, interesting.  Things I would love to try.  Things at which I would love to excel.  And since I do actually believe anything is possible, it's very easy to lose myself in a night full of "where is my passion, desire, energy, etc.?"

With all these ideas I sometimes feel like Hwel, the playwright in Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters.  And, as I said, I do get lost amongst them.  Drowning in the current of intentions and desires.  So I get out of the pool all together and  lose myself in video games and books.

Do I cast the runes, as I would for others, as I would advise others to do?  Not really.  Though I have done a very good job of doing the daily reading and the follow up post.

Do I meditate with purpose, as I would advise others to do?  Um, no.  I meditate, and let my thoughts run wherever they wish.

Okay, so then do I allow myself the time to swim through the raging river of ideas?  To relax and float and enjoy all the possibilities, even if they're things I don't really want to do?  Oh.  Uh, no.  Because they deal with something so important!  The future and my happiness.

Okay.  Did I at least enjoy the movies and the books and the food I escaped with?  Well….

And let's be honest.  Remember honesty?  The key to happiness?  No martyrdom is necessary, no drama is desired.  (I guess that's #5.)

Then yes and no.  I didn't enjoy all the food, which is frustrating, because if I'm going to imbibe more calories than I want to, I should at least enjoy them, right?!  Right.  But the books and the movies I very much enjoyed.  I laughed and cried and came out of myself for a little.

And then I did actually meditate with intention.  And I realized, I don't even know what the question is.  "What do I want?" is what I think the question should be, but there are so many answers I would be meditating all day!  "What makes me happy?"  Well, that's pretty much the same thing. 

So I let myself go, a little, to see which direction I was heading.  And then I found myself.  It was kind of like grabbing myself and giving myself a big hug, which brought me through all the yammering, clamoring ideas and down to the kernel of myself.

And the question became, "What should I do next?"

And the answer, "Trust yourself."

It took me awhile still to settle down.  I read some more.  And ate some more because I did enjoy the flavor and the texture.

And then I woke up this morning to clarity.  And remembrance.  A very important remembrance.

#6.  Today is what matters.  This moment.  This breath.  The TRUTH of this moment.

How have I gotten through every difficult moment?  By knowing it would end.  How have I stretched out and enjoyed every glorious happy moment?  By remembering to savor it, because it too would end.  And who knows what the next moment will really bring?  We cast our nets, put our hopes and thoughts out there and we trust.  Trust ourselves, because we are all part of the vast network of the universe.

Sometimes we receive things too late.  Sometimes we receive them too early.  Sometimes we choose things that feel utterly wrong 3 months later.  #7 - It's never right or wrong.  It's always learning.  And as long as I follow the truth of the moment, I can always be happy.  Always.

So yes.  We make decisions for the future.  What I want now and what I want later.  We are always balancing the two worlds, and trying to see things from the outside view to get the whole picture.  We are always influenced by others and we are always striving for nurturing and protection and healing and foundation.  We are every single rune, encompassed.  The known and the unknown.  We are infinite possibilities, every future and every past.  Every choice and every reaction.  WE are each all of those.

So, once more, I choose to be the choices that make me happy.  I choose what I want for this moment.  I choose to accept responsibility for myself and keep moving forward and exploring the hundred thousand different things I want to try no matter my perceptions of others' opinions.  I will trust myself.  I DO trust myself.  And I choose to be happy.  Now.

And since that is what I most wish to learn, I hope this has helped someone else do the same.

Thank you.  I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Transition Vortex

Transitions are difficult.  Change is difficult.  We live our lives in patterns, in routines.  We train to act and react a certain way.  We learn skills, become proficient, we "manage" our time.

And every time we change something, we have to relearn something.

Let's take the big one -- moving.  Even if you keep the same job, you're going to have to find a new way to get there.  (Even if you work from home, it's a different path from new kitchen to new office.)  The temperature in the house will be different.  The air is different.  The light is certainly different.  As is the ambient noise.  Most likely, with a move, there is finding a new grocery store.  New health care options.  New schools.   New restaurants.  New shortcuts.  New views.  Perhaps a new favorite time of day, as a result of the light and the noise and the view.

And even if you leave out  the decision making process prior to the move, and the chaos of actually moving; dealing with  the new patterns, the new input, the new things to learn, is a transition vortex - a whirlwind of emotional, physical, mental imbalance.

Some changes, transitions, moves feel easier than others.  Yes, there is the inherent chaos and the overwhelming desire to return to the contentedness of routine, but the underlying drive of fulfilling goals is enough to propel us through the vortex.  And, when a moment out of time is needed, there are always the comfort items: the fuzzy blanket; the special food item; the song; the book; the video; the person.

But what if you're changing yourself?  What if you are moving from identity to identity?  What if you are retraining your choices to achieve a physical and mental you that is aligned with your faith, your personal body preferences, and the ability to achieve what you want to achieve?  In other words, what if you ARE striving for enlightenment?  (Disclaimer [read really fast] - this poster believes every  person's enlightenment is individual and unique, and therefore does not intend to assume everyone reaches it in the same way.)

For example, if you are trying to keep momentum and energy in your life, your music choices probably need to be  upbeat and driving, not poignant.  Less "I'll Always Love You"   and more "I'm Free!"

But what if "Goodbye to You" is a song you love to sing at the top of your lungs when you're feeling particularly despondent?  And, in the midst of your transition, there is a day where you're ready to throw in the towel.  And you set up the mp4 player, and you crank up the stereo, and you're halfway through belting out the song…

…and you realize it just doesn't do it for you anymore.

The song is sad and beautiful and even empowering, but it no longer soothes you.

What do you do?

I don't know.  What do YOU do?

The best "do" for me, currently, is to find something productive, even if it is cleaning out emails.  Because it turns the frustrated energy back toward the goal.  This could be why someone suddenly becomes successful… the more they put into their goal, the less comfort they get from old habits, so they turn back to the goal for comfort.

But I am still hunting for a new, perfect song.  Because working, as much as I need it for my current transition, isn't taking a break, isn't a balm to my soul, doesn't flow into the pained crevices like the old comforts did.  Even my posts, which usually include some form of humor or lightness, seem to be crying out from a deep well of sorrow.  Which should be awesome, right?  I love wallowing in deep wells.

Sometimes.

Well, I used to.

But.

My favorite food items don't taste good anymore.  My snuggle stuffed animals are ready for new homes.  And if I hear one more weepy song come from my stereo, I may scream.

Welcome to my current Transition.

Awesome.

Though, actually, in fact... 

...it really is awesome to be able to understand why this one has been more fraught than others.   Because everything is changing.  Including the things that help me rise above.

 Maybe I'll explore rap music.  Hmmm.

-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Who? Me?

I believe we are all connected.

I believe we all, to quote Heinlein, “art God.”

I believe we each create our own Heaven.  Thus, when someone believes someone else did not make it into “their” Heaven, they are really condemning a part of themselves to disconnection.

Let’s take it one step further.  What if it’s more than “we are all connected”?

What if it is actually “We are all one”?

We are all one.

We are one.

I am one.

Therefore, I am alone.

Each and every one of you is… not a figment of my imagination, but a part of myself.  An image created upon the screen of my mind to fully explore all the infinite possibilities of being.  I am every flower petal, every breath upon the wind, every tear of acid rain.  I am every baby being born, every child crying, every boy running, every girl twirling.  I am every youth and adult and elder in every community.  I am starving and bloated and pleasantly full.  I am a drug user and a purist, a cannibal and a person on a very well balanced diet.  If I can think it, somewhere out there, I am it.

Why are there now so many people the world can barely hold us?  Because every moment, as my consciousness expands, more possibilities come into play.  I am able to conceive of more realities.  There are more “ifs” and there need to be more players.

Why is the world itself becoming more connected through technology?  Because it’s time, now, to open my world to all my selves, to feel everything felt, to think everything, to experience everything!  It’s the ultimate in living vicariously.

Think about it, if you dare.  There are many people you know who are out of sight.  Friends in other countries; family in other cities; parents in other buildings; loved ones in other rooms.  Do they really exist?  Are they really there?  You can email them, sure.  But the mind loves electricity.  The brain IS electricity.  Sending an email to yourself, that’s easy.

Oh wait.  Sorry.  If my hypothesis is fact, then you/I am already thinking about connectedness and there is no need to dare myself/ you to do so.  (Does my brain hurt yet?)

I am the thief and the victim.  I am the mother and the child.  I am the past and the future.

I am.

Enlightenment is Awesome - And Easy

November 2, 2012


Screw it. Screw it all. This struggling is pointless and painful and it’s not happy. I am a happy person. I am a person who prefers to be content. I push myself enough trying to get out there and do stuff. Why make it hard for myself? Why put obstacles in my way that serve no purpose but to make it harder?

Screw it. It’s time to make it easy.

Enlightenment is learning, that’s all. The light bulb is often used as a symbol for an idea. In the game "Life Quest" it’s used as a symbol for knowledge classes (as opposed to skill or self improvement). The dark ages are considered that because of the lack of education within the majority of the populace.

For some, learning is hard. For others, learning is easy. Conventionally. But psychology tells us there are different ways of learning. So instead of trying to memorize everything and regurgitate it back, let’s try hands on. If hands on isn’t your thing, what about audio input? How do you learn?

How do I learn? Sometimes I learn by doing, sometimes by talking about it, sometimes by reading about it. It often depends on the things that surround the subject. For example, I learn lots from fantasy books. But I have a very hard time reading factual books. Even if they are well written. Even if they have a lot to say. I’d rather have someone else tell me about it. Memoirs? Blech. Fantasy books written in memoir format? Sure. I admire Katherine Hepburn but I couldn’t read her biography to save my acting career. Shrug.

I also seem to learn by spouting, or in this case spewing, words upon the page until I come to an answer.

Hard means it’s not my path. I don’t have the skills or the knowledge or the enjoyment or the desire. IE: I’m a green skier in the black diamond world of technology.

To heck with doing it the hard way just because everyone else does. To heck with not doing something, not receiving something, because someone else has a lesson to learn. If I can’t do something one way, I’ll try it another. And another. And another. Until it’s easy.

I’m going to find a way to make it easy.

I’m going to take it easy.

It’s so easy.

Thank you,

Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Juggling Water

I am juggling. I know, I KNOW, if I just let my hands drop, the balls will stay in the air. In fact some of them will float away, because I am no longer trying desparately to attract them to my hand. I know that if I can remove myself from the chaos, get out of the storm all together, that I can be calm and happy and content and not so freaked and sad.

But even that perspective is deceiving. One has to be in the middle of the storm to view its effect. One has to feel the vibes to hear the music. One has to be in the water to be part of the flow.

So. To stand in the torrent. To stand. Not to float or be swept away, but to stand. An isle of calm. To let the water flow around me and through me. To let it flow through me while maintaining my self, my integrity, my needs and desires. Perhaps to even transform it, improve it, lighten it, assist it to be what it needs to be, what the race needs it to be, what my clan and community need it to be.

But, currently, the important part is to maintain my self.  There are likely other lessons later. But before I can let myself go, I must be myself fully in all situations. To tighten and release at the same time. To hold and let go. Am I letting too much go? I am still my core. As long as I am on this planet, I am me. With my bodily needs and my emotional needs and my chemical needs and my spiritual needs.

And that’s the end of the flow of consciousness for this moment. So let it be.

-Lila