Enlightenment is Awesome - in any language

 If you're like me, it feels like we're in a time of division. Everyone has a different rock solid truth and we're each certain that if everyone else would just start thinking, believing, acting, BEING in alignment with that truth, the world would rest and return to the golden age and all would be well. 

It feels like the seeking has amped up - which is understandable, considering how frenetic the energy is in the world, the daily changes, the uncertainty, the not sure what else to do but keep doing what we're doing until we can't anymore. So we turn to belief systems or self help practices - hunting for a soul coach to give us focus and certainty and, most importantly, answers. Answers on how to make it better or even answers on why it is the way it is.

Naturally, because we're in a time of division, along with the answers and the tools and the "this is the sign you've been looking for!," there are the warnings and the mud slinging - "Don't go to the other guys. They're wrong. They're evil. They just want your money. It will never really work. This is the ONLY way to peace/ joy/ happiness/ prosperity/ salvation."

And make no mistake. I too think - no, I KNOW my way is the only way to happiness. 

Happily 😉, I know that my way is the only way for ME. Your "only" way could be quite different. As is hers and his and theirs. 

And that is probably a large part of the difficulty. How can there be 8.3 billion truths? Don't I have to stand up and fight for my way? Because it's hard to imagine - when what I'm doing is working so well, and feels so good and free and connected, (usually) -  it's hard to imagine why anyone would think a different format or belief system is better and I'm wrong!

This morning, a lovely analogy popped into my head.

Insisting everyone practice Happiness the way I practice Happiness (and yes, I'm using Happiness as a catch all world for the desired nirvana/connected trusting state of joy which I think is the goal of all belief systems)  - insisting everyone practice Happiness my way, is like insisting that everyone has to speak Cymraeg. That no other language is the right language and if you don't speak Cymraeg, then you're never going to get a real job or have a good home or comfort in your old age, much less a restful afterlife.

And yet, Cymraeg is not a language that everyone in the world has the option to learn. 7.5 billion people probably don't even know what Cymraeg is. And not even everyone who was born in Cymru speaks Cymraeg, anyway. It's not a language that is automatically taught. One must choose to speak it, to learn it. 

It's the same with belief systems. Where we're born starts us on the path to what we're exposed to, what we learn about, what is part of our culture. Then, as we grow, some of us learn there are other options, and those options may be presented in a positive light or in a negative one. And we may have the option to explore new systems, new languages, and see if one brings music to our soul. See if it makes sense in our world. See if it leads to Happiness.

And we may build our own language from a bunch of different ones we've been exposed to.

But we'll probably never encounter ALL of the different languages in the world. I may never ever even hear of the language that you grew up speaking; you may think my language is from a fantasy book.

In my language, in my practice, the important thing is that we are know we are loved, we are held, we are connected, regardless of which language we use to express that love. And that we can gather and communicate  (maybe only with a smile and a nod, but still it's a smile) and maybe when we part we say - whoo, that language is beautiful but I'm sure glad I don't have to speak it! but at least we are parting amicably. 

I hope I always send out a prayer of love and light, regardless of of the language I'm using for the prayer. And I hope you do to.

Gobeithio y cewch chi ddiwrnod da.

Have I reached Keto-vana yet? How 'bout now?

 A couple of months ago, at the recommendation of my path partner, I started a "keto" food plan. 

I put keto in quotes because I am never one to follow someone's menu - partly because of my own health concerns - I'm already supposed to be on a low sodium, low fat diet for my heart's health. And I am a person who looks at something they're "Not supposed" to have and rebels - even to my own detriment.

But I was ready for a change. I was very uncomfortable with the way my body felt. And honestly, the keto plan just seemed like more salads and less bread and sugar. (Low carbs, medium protein, and lots of veggies.)

Oh my goodness. Do you know how many carbs are in, like, everything?! Heck, do you know how much sugar is in everything? Fruit. Fruit is a no-go on the keto diet!! And gluten free in NOT carb free.

My husband made me soup loaded with veggies - and the key (for me) is to blend the soup up. Yes, it looks like old fashioned gruel, but 1) it's easily digestible and consumable and 2) I don't have to see which veggies are in there and decide I don't want to eat it. (I have a hate/hate relationship with cauliflower, which seems to be the carb replacement go to.) 

And I grabbed salad bags and tuna fish and avocado spread and did three days with only coconut sugar and almond flour items. Yay me!

And then I had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad constipation. Extremely unpleasant. My intestines were bruised for weeks. (But isn't fiber supposed to be good for me and for moving things through?!! Perhaps not all at once.)

I persevered, with the help of some digestive aids, and waited and waited for that state of ketosis where my brain was going feel sharp and delightful. And I'm pretty sure I am still waiting.

Now it's possible that I have visited Ketosis-land a couple of times. I mean, I talk a lot more to my friends, and when I am focused, I'm pretty focused and flowing easily through work. But I also reach the hazy, disconnected state much more quickly. 

And then, as I rewatched the video, and did some more research, I realized I was missing the important ingredient of fat.

The Keto plan is low carb, medium protein, lots of veggies and high fat! What? How is that even....? But....

But, the purpose is to readjust the body so it gets its energy from the fat, instead of the sugars. So, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, I adjusted again. We'll see what happens next.

I'll probably never reach the ideal Ketosis - less than 20 carbs a day, bah! But I do feel better in my body. So I'm enjoying this journey and looking forward to really discovering what works for my body, and my brain, in the long term.

"We" didn't do nothing!

 I heard the other day that "we bombed Iran." And I heartily disagree. Because "WE" did not do anything of the sort.

Someone in the US military was ordered by someone who was ordered by someone (however far up the chain and around the procedures that goes) to fly over or program a bomb (or bombs) to be unleashed on a specific part of the Iranian country and the people therein.

It's so easy to lump people into groups. To reduce us all to labels of country or culture or religion; of sports team or school or even hobby. To remove the faces and the humanism and the individuality. I mean, it's easier to say THEY did that and WE did this, than to picture all the members of the group or political party or family as individuals.

 And WE - where "we" means many humans, though I'm sure not all - love to assume membership. Our identity rests in the sports team, the fandom, the company. We assume unto ourselves the triumphs and the failures of the country, religion, or school. And we punish or reward ourselves accordingly.

And yes, as USA for Africa sang, "we are the world, we are the children." We are connected one to another. But we are also each unique individuals living our daily lives. We're committing our acts of violence and compassion on a very small, very personal scale. Most of us know the faces and the names and of the people we are affecting.

What I'm trying to say is I'm not going to accept blame for something I didn't do, personally. For something I had absolutely no connection to or influence over. I have enough things in a day to feel guilty for and proud of. Things I have definitely done or failed to do. I have no room anymore for assuming blame and guilt for anything else.

And yes, I firmly believe WE as a human society can evolve into something that eschews violence and conquest; that we'll learn how to co-exist, each individual together, without feeling the need to infringe on or judge each other for our differences, based on our fears. 

But the only way I can contribute to that is to embody it every day, myself, as myself . To know that I am only responsible for my actions, and no one else's. And that no one else is responsible for my actions.  And I get to celebrate my personal triumphs and make restitution for my personal transgressions as part of those responsibilities.

I can celebrate and mourn and sympathize and empathize and learn from and emulate others. I can strive to be part of the team or group, model a culture or faith or ideal. And I think collaboration is the most amazing thing ever! But I can only take blame or credit for my part of it, for the way I behaved or the work I did or the thoughts I expressed. For whether I did my best or not.

So no - WE did NOT drop a bomb. WE also did not win a gold medal at the Olympics (the US Team did, and that's pretty cool! Congratulations!!) 

But I do believe that WE are the doing the best we can, every day, as we go about our day and deal with the weather and the news and the work and the other people who are doing their best every day. And I hope that every day, WE  (where "we" means each and every single being on this earth) each find happiness and abundance and love beyond measure.

The Voices in my head need to start singing together!

I just finished doing my morning connection/prayers and I realized that I only feel like I was giving them half of my attention.

I know I said all the words. I know I meant the connection. But I also know that I was thinking about my latest physical and was the sun going to show itself today and does my tree have enough water and...

It's like that when I'm driving also - at least on familiar routes. I think I am paying attention - because there are a lot of pedestrians in this town. And sometimes blinkers don't work. And then I get to my destination and get out and look back at my car and realize my parking is really wonky and I'm not sure how I got there. But I have figured out what I want to do next on my work project.

It happens when I'm taking a shower. Or doing my exercises. Or eating a meal. My brain starts taking off in random directions, worrying or niggling, and I'm no longer paying real attention to the here and now. I think I'm multi tasking - but not really. I'm just not paying attention.

I used to think it was very cool that I could hear two (and if I really worked at it, three) musical parts in my head. But now it's time to weave those voices back together in one strong voice that says what I really want it to say; guides my body to what I really want it to do; pays attention to the physical world so I can act and react in a safe and beneficial way for myself and be aware that I've done it! 

For the morning prayer, it's easy enough (well, easy enough to figure out how to do it - not so sure if it's easy enough to do it.) I speak out loud; so I want to think the words at the same time I'm speaking them. 

Humorously, as I write this, I realize my words go a little before the actual act of writing. And there is a dipping into something? A wandering off? in order for there to be the next thought or idea.

And there is the internal editor, watching the words as they appear on the page and making corrections.

Ugh. Can you imagine what it would be like if all of those different mental attentions came together and focused on one thing? Can you imagine driving with all of the attention on the road and the traffic and how the car is handling? Can you imagine eating with all attention on the food and the flavor and how the utensils feel and the chewing and digesting? 

Is this what athletes feel like? They have to be aware of their bodies and the next move and the signals from outside.

Maybe doing anything requires a lot of split focus - because  ideally, we are paying attention to outside signals and we're interpreting that data and we're inhabiting our body AND we're doing whatever (typing or eating or driving or walking or pushing a puck or singing a note or speaking or solving or resting or watching.) 

Maybe it's not just MINDFULNESS. Or, maybe it's time to add another phrase to that word bouquet. Attention. 

Hmm. I'm going to have to think about this one. 

How did I do it?

I am pretty proud of myself about my morning routine. It's taken awhile to figure out what really helps me connect in the morning, what fulfills the itch to read and write; what gets my blood flowing and helps me wake up. And I have long versions and short versions.

I would love to wake up sooner in the morning, so I could actually start exercising consistently again. Between the holidays and health issues, I have been allowing myself at least 6 hours of sleep, regardless of when I go to bed, so I don't always have a lot of time in the morning. I am working on that.

In fact, I have been working on that for awhile. I mean. If I want at least 6 hours of sleep, I should go to bed at least 6 hours before I want to wake up, right? If yoga class starts at 6 and I want at least an hour to ease through my morning routine, I can go to bed at 11, right? That's not even early! And if I want to go to bed at 11, I just need to start my nightly routine at 10. Heck, 10:30 if I want to "just finish one more chapter." I can do that. Right?

Right?!

Yah. I have a long history of doing exactly NOT that. And I don't know why.

I am trying to remember how I got myself out of bed in the morning. How did I connect with my morning routine so well that I can convince myself to leave the snuggly warm covers and the relaxed state and the day dreams? Wat tool or thought process or incentive did I use to get myself out here? 

Because I know there is a key, a switch, a thought, a something that will help me get by butt TO bed at night instead of watching one more show and eating one more thing and playing one more game. I know I will be happier if I go to bed sooner, so I can get up and do more things in the morning.

But maybe that's the problem right there. I am trying to get myself to bed so I can get up and do more? At the end of the day, that is not any kind of incentive. IF I hasten to bed, then I hasten the next day and more work. Let's just stay up a little longer and enjoy this being the END of the work day. No more responsibilities today! Just appreciating other people's work. Visiting other peoples worlds - where I don't have to do a thing but enjoy (or be judgmental.) 

Huh. That actually explains a lot. Because I have a long history of stress about making decisions, living up to my perceptions of others' expectations, and a fear of doing the wrong thing. (Well, more a fear of people thinking or knowing I did the thing wrong.) And I'm doing much better now, attuning to what I want, and knowing that everyone is doing their best and everyone makes "mistakes" and no one is better or wiser than anyone else - there is no grand master of right and wrong, no matter how many beings or institutions want to claim that title.

But I still don't want the responsibilities. And the longer I stretch out the night, the longer it takes to get to the new day of "things to do."

Which, lets me honest. My morning routine is filled with things to do. Responsibilities to myself. I enjoy doing the things, but it is a to do list. Hmmm.

So. How do I reframe it at night? Because ultimately, in the end, I am Happier to have those morning things done. And I would be happier to have the nightly routine done also. To wake up with a feeling of satisfaction that I have done things.

Hmm.

Where's my fourth wall?

 I have a great house. It took a while to get everything I ever wanted, but I have it - pretty much everything I ever thought I'd really like in a house, deep in my heart.

It's a corner lot, so not squished between two neighbors. And a lovely large yard. There's a basement and a bedroom for an office - a really big garage. The upstairs bathroom could use some work (like, a way to make it a lot bigger!) - but there is a large picture window in the living room that lights up the whole room - when there's light to be had. I can see forest and river from my window; I have a gas fireplace, and all of my electronics work - at the same time!

At yet, I feel trapped in my house. 

Because I don't really have a back yard, per se, or a deck, or anyplace to be outside (where I'd love to be) that has the illusion of privacy.

In theater, the space between the stage and the audience is called the fourth wall - it's a wall that the audience and the actors agree is there, a separation of watcher and watchee, each group being in their own different reality but knowing the other is there - like a two way mirror. In television or theater, when the character looks out "past" the screen and engages the audience, that's "breaking the fourth wall."  

In life, the fourth wall is what fences are for - or balconies. They are an illusion of separation of space, of worlds. An agreed upon boundary.

I want to be able to go outside and be private. To sit in my grass or work at a table; dance around or plant flowers; cry or hug trees or break plates or whatever. I want a little oasis of grounding space without feeling like everyone is watching. Or without feeling like anyone can invade my space at any time. 

Hmm. How long does it take for trees to grow?

Ascension

 It's a fuzzy feeling, kind of. Like I could just dissipate into a trillion atoms, with the gently sparkling effects one might see with Star Trek tractor beams or fantastical creatures turning into dust.

And the strange part is, I feel so connected. 

I'm not sure if I need to stay still a little longer. Exhale or inhale or hold my breath. Reach a little or pull back a little or just be.

Do you know how hard it is to just be when you're not sure how you became in the first place?

It started with the singing. The weekly song circle (of which I am an irregular attendant). The last few times had been - well, had felt extremely chaotic to me, in the midst of my already chaotic life. And then I lost the fight with the flu bug. 

I had been insure about going back except - I missed singing. and I missed hugs. and I missed the varied energies from the way people connect with the divine and the way they express themselves. A room full of people being (or learning to be) themselves fully and wholly and trustingly. It was - well, of course it was chaotic. And I enjoy witnessing the chaos, I just have never been a contributor when it came to music. 

Make a joyful noise?

So I went. And I sat on the floor - which turned out to be a little removed from the circle, which was okay with me. I am learning to be myself - which mean not matching others' energy or getting wrapped in the chaos if I want silence. I am learning, still learning, still practicing reaching in instead of out. Which becomes great stillness inside and a swaying on the outside. 

And the more I focused in, the more I could feel the great connection, which felt like it could lead to the great dissolve. 

In a way, it reminds me of that period right after the heart attack, when I felt such lovely peace and freedom and lifting. 

And I think I can do it. I think I can reach in, more and more, and connect more and more. And be weightless and solid and fuzzy and real, until it's time for me to dissipate into the Universal Song. And maybe this physical body (my current physical body) won't dissipate with me. But maybe it will. Maybe it will crumble and fall away and I will burst free, scattering to connect with earth and fire and water and air and the trees and the flowers and the crows and the squirrels and all of the songs and the rays of light and all of time and space. With so much love and connection, how can I stay a small ball? I must reach and connect and scatter and be.

From the heart.

I made this!

 This morning, as a I was snuggling into my couch preparing for my creative time, thoughts ping ponging against every conceivable subject, as they do, I stopped to marvel at how comfortable my life is.

Literally comfortable.

On almost every perchable surface, I have something warm and fuzzy - a blanket, a fuzzy pillow, a beloved but no longer wearable sweater or jacket. I have stuffed animals in almost every room. I have soft rugs and warm colored curtains and cozy objects - like tea pots and gnomes and things that are green and things to be read. Oh, and lights. I have lights, draped and strung. 

It is possible I have too many of some of these things all in one spot. There are days when I wish the designer had shown a little restraint. I would like sometimes to wake up and be in a place that feels a little more pristine and clean instead of cluttered.

But on the other hand, this house feels like it's okay to live in it. 

And I get so tickled, sometimes, at how comfortable it is. Look at this, I think. There are pillow pets and fuzzy blankets on this couch I sit on every day! I get to snuggle into flannel sheets on a bed that has a lovely plush mattress pad protector. My life is soft and snuggly and warm and fuzzy. 

And I realize - and it feels so strange that I have to tell myself this - I am the one who allowed my house, my home, my life to be this way. I am the one who decided I am going to put those stuffed animals in my living room and I don't care what any (hypothetical) visitor says. I get to have a big white blanket on the couch and have to share blanket time with my cats. I chose this rug and those curtains and to keep watering that plant. I told my tall spouse where to hang the lights. 

I made this space into the cozy comfortable space it is.

And I don't know, anymore, where that lingering feeling, like I'm getting away this something, like this is verboten but I am doing it anyway - I don't know where that came from. I don't know where most of my internal ideas of how something should look or be spring from. Probably books and tv shows and things I internalized as a child. Maybe there is even some form of "everything must be in it's place" in one of my personalities. Certainly my stubbed toes might prefer to have fewer cat toys on the floor. 

But happily, my internal Better Homes and Gardens critic has quieted over the years, because I love sitting down and marveling at how comfortable my couch is. Grinning in delight at the cookbooks displayed on the antique baking rack. Sitting on my cushy couch, just reveling in the comfort. 

And knowing that if the choices I made for something as simple as a comfortable life work in the physical world, where else can my choices, my preferences, my desires manifest?

So yay me! for all the beauty and cozy in my world. And thank me for this comfortable life.

Don't be a unicorn.

 There is a mug/meme/bumper sticker saying - one of many, I'm sure - that reads "Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then be a unicorn."

I always cheered that. Of course! Let's be unicorns. Sparkly, magical, bright, shiny, unique.

Except. That seems like a lot of work, doesn't it? To always be bright and shiny. To always be magical. To always be unique. There is a certain expectation of awesome individuality in the idea of a unicorn - a gift, a prize, a mark of favor if one is a friend.

And, much as I love admiration and friendships, I don't think I want to work that hard. I don't want to be constantly on, every time someone else is in the room, so I am giving the full unicorn experience. And these days, the "unicorn experience" is different for everyone, isn't it? Do Unicorns poop rainbow glitter (or glittered rainbows), do they protect you with their deadly horns? Do they seek virgins or just the pure at heart? Are they wise and curious and get in deadly debates with dragons? Or are they meek and gentle and spend their time trotting through sun dapples forest glades? Are they horses with horns? Or whispers on the wind?

No, being a unicorn is too much about someone else's world view. And don't get me wrong, I love unicorns. I believe in them and I am blessed to connect with them. I am a unicorn girl all the way (except for the glitter poop and barfing rainbows. People, please!)

If  I was going to be any alternate being, it would be a cat. Not only because cats don't care, and they are mysterious and unique and aloof and cuddly and even those of us who know our cats best can never be 100% sure what they're going to do, but also...

... because cats don't care what others think of them. They aren't, to the best of my knowledge, trying to fulfill some ideal of cat-ness. And yeah, we want to be friends with the cats (unless we're allergic,)  we seek cat approval, but we accept it when we're snubbed. And we let them walk away. Or curl up and sleep on us. Or dip their tail in our milk. (I mean, we get mad when they do that, let's be honest. But we aren't surprised when it happens. And we tell stories about it later.) 

Yeah, if I'm going to be myself to the ultimate best of my ability, all the time, then I'm going to strive to be like a cat.  

'Cause the Effects Affect the Cause

 

There is a saying: As above, so below. As within, so without.

One of the ways of interpreting this has to do with health. If there is stress on the inside, it can manifest as physical difficulties. (Louisa Hay even wrote a book or two about it.)

I think this is also kind of evident in the tumult that is wreaking the world, both physically - in the fantastically strange and unexpected weather (where the word fantastic means almost unbelievable) - and in the mental and emotional state of most of us humans. 

And it makes sense, weather affects energy which affects us.

But there is also the fact that what we do affects the weather. Cutting down trees or putting them up; driving and flying and factory fumes; reflecting the sun or using it for energy; trapping water or letting it flow. All of nature's creatures affect their environment - building or travelling or creating or destroying - in response to their physical and emotional needs.

And it would be quite the rabbit hole to fall down - which came first, the weather patterns or the anxiety and turmoil which leads us to changing our environment. 

Well, I don't have time for rabbit holes. There are too many books to read! And frankly, there's nothing I can do about the cause or, considering how wide spread it is, the over all affect. 

First of all, it's not personal. At this stage in our evolution, we are riding the ripple effect of things that happened decades or even centuries ago. Butterflies have been flapping their wings since - well, since the first blessed butterfly came into existence. Squirrels have been hoarding, bees have been pollinating, and people have been forging forward - each following their instincts - forever.

I can't go back and undo anything. Not even my choice to live in these tumultuous, anxiety creating times.

So, what can I do? Whether its snowing or sun shining, whether I feel like singing or beating the couch with a swim noodle (yes, seriously. I don't have a good space to shoot pellets at glass, so…) I can love.

Love myself. Love nature. Send love to all the people whose interactions imploded my anxiety - because it's not their fault. It's me. I am the one who is irritated. So I love me again. I love all dimensions of myself.

Do you know how much nicer it feels to send love? Because as within, so without. And the ripples come back. If I feel love, I can send love and there will be love around me. I will create a space that is warm and lovely, that feels comfortable. And I will be more inspired to create/contribute to the beauty outside.

And, it will be just a little easier to deal with the daily uncertainty that is weather.

If I feel anger and frustration and send it out, that is all that is going to surround me. Everuything will feel harsh. And the weather just add to my horrible no good day, regardless of rain or shine. 

I like being happy and sparky. My body feels better if the only pain is the one in my biceps because the yoga teacher introduced us to forearm planks today. (seriously? Seriously?!) 

Because I think it is all circular anyway. Anxiety causes energetic tension which causes anxiety which causes more energetic tension. This is a cycle I don't want to be a part of.

Wow - you know, I honestly have no idea if this makes the kind of sense I want it to. But I'm going to post it so that I can move on to the next step of thinking about it 😁.

So I hope we all have a lovely day, regardless of the weather and the anxiety, which will create more beautiful days ahead of us.

Morning Meandering - Facing the blank page

 I find it funny - sometimes in a "are you kidding me?!" kind of way - that I have all these thoughts and ideas and plans for writing as I do my morning connections, and wash the dishes, and take a shower, and what have you. But then I face the blank empty page and the things I was so sure I was going to write - the thoughts which would not get out of the way when I was trying to do other things - simply vanish. Name on the tip of my tongue, put Baby back into the corner, aww shucks nothing to see here, gone.

And sometimes, if I can remember what I was feeling so passionate about, I can get the words and the conviction back. They flow through righteously. 

And sometime, I continue to stare at the page, and then just start writing something else, hoping it'll be worthy, hoping it's something I actually want to say. 

I've been doing my best (and I've been doing a decent job of it) to just put the words out there, you know? Write it down and then let it go. But honestly, for every post that gets published, there is at least one unpublished, probably unfinished, post. In fact, I'd started a similar writing on this a month or two ago...

"So, I like to think that this is normal for any writer - many writers? maybe even just people in general. The number of blog drafts is at least double the number of blog posts. Thoughts I started, but either couldn't reach a satisfying conclusion, or couldn't figure out what I was trying to say. In some ways they're taunting - in that whole, I thought you were just going to post stuff and not care if it has a relevant or impactful message? Right? Huh? it's like I'm judging myself for judging my writing. But it's not really judging - it's evaluating? It's like NOT blurting out every thought that passes through my mind."

And as I write this and format it and get ready to read this, I kind of lose interest. Because it's not what I really wanted to say, and it's triggering a lot of other thoughts - like cycles and other people. 

But it did lead me to editing/publishing something I'd previously written and left simmering. And there was such a feeling of rightness, or readiness, of finality after I added a couple more lines to it. 

And then a week later (it is at least a week later since I started this), I am able to reconnect to read it and say - well, it may not be what I was chasing when I started, but I think this pretty much sums up what I really want to say about it now.

And I breathe in. And I breathe out. 

And I hit the publish button.

Today's Happiness Practice - Accepting Myself - Again.

 I love cycles. 

Until they relate to myself and my feelings and realizing things that I thought I had "conquered" are things I need to work on - work through - again. 

And again.

And AGAIN.

I mean, it makes sense. Intellectually. Every day is a new day. Every moment brings new connections and new adventures and new thoughts. When the old is cleared out, something else comes in.

And I don't live in a vacuum. So. Things I have figured out in a safe, secluded home environment when I am feeling healthy and I am well rested and I've done my exercising and connecting, are things I need to work through again when I am in a stressful situation. 

Or when I'm with friends.

Or when I'm with my partner.

Or when I'm at work.

Or when the butterfly flaps it wings three times when flying widdershins around a purple poppy. 

Things constantly change and grow and move and shift, even if it's slowly. Some fast and some slow. And maybe it's the slow things that are the worst. Because those are the things we can't point to and say, "Oh! That's why I suddenly feel this way!" We just are fine one day and freaking the heck out the next. Because a rock finally slipped into the ocean somewhere and cast reverberation throughout the stratosphere. 

So, today's happiness practice is accepting myself in this environment. Today. As things are happening today. Acknowledging  my reactions today, determining where I could have been better. Congratulating myself on where I stood and fulfilled my personal definition of happy and compassionate and beautiful.  And loving myself through it all.

Today is a very good day. Today I have permission to be myself, to live and love and experience and step away from. Today I get to say, yup, this is what I'm feeling, and I think this is why. And I get to figure out how to meld that in with the day's plans and the people I'm with so I feel we are all accepted and loved. 

And every day in every way, I and my household and my family and my friends and my world are more and more blessed. 

So may it be. May it be so. Amen.

Morning meandering - a cacophony (or symphony?) of thoughts

 Such a myriad of thoughts running through my head:

* living within this body is a daily practice; and just like brains or sexuality, there is no one true, set in stone, label that will follow this body for the entirety of its existence.

* if we're truly celebrating ALL diversity, why isn't there a white hetro-sexual male day?

* why does rooting for one person, team, group, perspective, political ideal automatically mean hate for all of the rest?

* We as human beings are still used to being in survival mode. It's how it's been for ages, yeah? Eons. But the human race has well and truly survived. Now it is time to turn to thriving mode. We don't need to spread or conquer. We've built our houses. Now it's time to make them comfortable. We've conquered all the lands (or most of them). The last frontier isn't space, it's inner being. Though I hesitate to say that because then there's going to be all sorts of machines and tests and pills and people trying to quantify and exploit the inner world.

* Why do I feel like I wasn't taught enough growing up? Sure there was math and english, history and social studies. But history is being rewritten and unwhite-washed; they changed math (happily one can't change how math actually works, simply how it's approached?); and honestly, what I learned in the class about politics doesn't seem to be relevant anymore. 

* was there a lot more respect for people 100 years ago? Even 50 years ago? Or were the communication distances simply farther apart, not instant? By the time we were able to express things, it could be done in a more "civilized" language? Or did people simply think differently because communication took longer, and thus required (or there was more time for) more thought?

* the coolest thing, to me, about the - i'm not sure how to phrase it - awareness "revolution" - the awareness of all the different ways that people feel (or don't feel) sexual and romantic attraction; the awareness of how many different ways people take in information, process it, express themselves; the awareness of how many different body types there are - and how many different ways we respond to pressure and medications and stimulus and herbs - the coolest thing about this awareness era is I don't feel like I have to fight anything anymore. I'm not breaking new ground when I express whatever facet of myself is feeling most triggered/stimulated today, because there's already something out there. I'm not leading a revolution or planting a flag or forcing awareness on anyone, not even myself. Which is awesome. Because everything is fluid. Everything! Labels help me work through a specific aspect of self, but then that label dissolves or is no longer relevant. 

I am looking forward to the day when there is no labelling, no coming out, no "normal". Where the journey is known to be all about figuring ourselves out, what we like, what we don't - from foods to clothes to people to how we contribute and connect with the world - each individually. There will be no freak flags to fly.

But then, will we still feel lost and alone because there is no banner of identity under which we can gather? 

Ugh. Trees are much easier than people. If you need me, I'll be out hugging one.

I hope your having a restful mind day,

-Lila

 

But wait, there's more!

 A friend and I were looking at things that are "blue shield." As I understand it, these are devices or objects which eminate frequencies to either counteract or overwhelm the EMF that is surrounding most of our lives these days.

The particular ones i looked at said they emitted frequencies that are similair to what is found in nature, and that our own... frequencies? energies?... would focus on or connect to those instead of to the more damaging EMF around us. 

And it sounds lovely, right? Nature frequencies. Yay! 

And I'm all about focusing on what brings you joy, on what works for you, on what you want. Well, on what I want.

But at the same time...

If you're like me, you have a cabinet full of pills and supplements you take every day. Aids to help the brain and body get through the day feeling a way we'd like to feel, aiding those things the body can no longer produce, be it hormones or hair growth or serotonin. Every time I set up those pills, I just sigh and want to cry a little. It seems ridiculous that I have to fill my body with foreign substances in order to feel closer to happy each day.

And I get the same feeling of frustration from the blue shield thing. Let's fill the air around us with MORE frequencies. Let's make it so crowded that, sure, we feel more energized and more in tune with our bodies, but we also feel claustrophobic and pressed and like there's no elbow room? To me (and this is probably just me) it sounds like the cure only contributes to other dis-eases. 

So what is the answer? I love my technology, I gotta say. I even have a way with it. It is just energy, after all. Granted it's energy programmed by humans, so...

But I also want peace in my brain. I want to feel space. I want the connection with nature to be what I choose. I want...

I want...

I want fewer products and more me?

ask not what this country can give to you

So, when travelling to a new place in the states, or even when going into a new store, I have often had a feeling of hesitancy. Of being a foreigner. Of wondering who I'm going to offend by going in the wrong direction or getting the rules wrong. "They will all laugh at you!" 

Now, when travelling to a new country, there is the expectation of difference. There is the knowledge that as soon as I open my mouth, I'm going to be heard to be a foreigner, There's a kind of freedom in that. People don't expect me to fit in, so I don't have to? And I don't expect them to be what I'm used to, so the curiosity and exploring part is triggered already. 

However, in my latest travels, it's the strangest thing... there is no feeling of strangeness.  I still expect the names to be different, the words that fall upon my ears to be incomprehensible. But trees are trees. And the grass is green. There's gluten free things on the shelf, recycling to figure out, and the wine bottles are the same shape in this country as in the other. 

I realized that since this trip was more about my friends than it was about the country, I didn't come in with a desire to be dazzled or swept off my feet, or shown marvels. No fairy tale expectations. no secret yearnings of Hallmark moments or doorways to fairy lands, or discoveries by famous local musicians. This was never one of the "must see before I die" places of my heart. So there's a lot less riding on the visit.

And I also realized, this morning, that without that, that "wow me" setting turned on, I am interacting more freely with the environment. I am connecting and contributing? I am bringing myself to this country, as well as being a tourist in it. 

Truthfully, I am not acting much different here than I do at home - I am taking pictures of beautiful things, pausing to listen to birds and watch cats, admiring the clouds floating by, humming to the wind, touching trees and smiling at strangers. Maybe that's the thing. I am interacting as me, instead of holding myself apart, expecting to be amazed or dazzled or made a victim of.

And maybe that's the secret of any visit or interaction, with the known and unknown. "I gotta be me." And they will be they. And together, we will create a new being, a new moment, a new event, of us.

Morning Meandering - May 13

 Oh my goodness, is routine helpful.

When on vacation, I've heard, and said, oh try this - you're on vacation. Oh, do that, you're on vacation! Like it's a reason to through daily routines and dietary preferences out the window.

But really, what does that create? Well, if you're like me, it creates a lot of discomfort and confusion. 

I have learned which morning and evening (finally!) routines help me feel like the best me. A me I like to be. Even during difficult days. They don't "fix" everything, but they help dress me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and often physically.

I have learned which foods feel worse than others in my system. What certain teas or drinks will do to and for me. What kind of exercise is great and what kind of stretches can help alleviate the TOO MUCH!

Now, when travelling, I don't always get the choice of foods. I might not have the same space and I certainly won't have the same set up as at home for my stuff and my exercises. The schedules aren't necessarily under my control. I'm "stuck" with the choice of clothes and items I decided to pack. And there may be decisions to do events or go on adventures despite a low energy level or physical discomfort. Because I'm there and i want to. 

But it is so helpful to keep in mind what kind of morning routine is helpful - connecting, waking up the body, waking up the brain. Which teas are helpful. And closing down for the night, since the days can be full of stimulus and emotional overwhelm. 

So yeah, when I hear, in my head (or hear myself say) - oh, but you're on vacation! I'm trying to remember to add the answer "Yes, and I want to enjoy the whole thing!"

Daily Meandering - Normal equals Trauma?

I had a lovely childhood. I know I was loved; my parents told me I could be whatever I wanted; I was given many good hugs and music and skills for believing in myself. I do believe my parents did their best every day.

And still, as I learn more about myself, I sometimes look back at my childhood and feel traumatized. 

One of my books, Not Really a Murder Mystery, has a main character who was a victim of torture.  - I don't like those things, by the way. I have a difficult time reading them myself, and honestly, the only way I could do that to one of my characters was to say she was so busy believing in her rescue that she didn't actually feel the pain. And honestly, whenever I reread it, one of my first thoughts is, wow, a psychologist would have a field day with this. I even had a reader tell me that I did a good job describing the mental state of a the victim afterward, and she wasn't going to ask what I had been through.

To my knowledge, I haven't actually been through any kind of physical abuse or intentional harm at the hands of another being. (Cats excluded.) But I have never, ever liked the idea of torture. 

On Facebook the other day, I read a snippet of someone saying their parents had gaslit them a lot growing up. That made me think too.

Because I can say that part of my childhood memories, or trauma, is feeling like I never understood what people wanted, what or why they were doing things, what was going on around me. One of my oft used phrases these days is "Did that make sense?" because I'm not confident that I am expressing myself in a way that is understood. Sure, we're all using the same words, but our definitions are often drastically different. (Like saying something is bad. Is it really bad? As in not good? Or is it bad, as in to be admired?) 

In how many ways was I harmed, unintentionally, by my parents and teachers and family's and friends' desire to comfort and care and keep me safe? By someone else exclaiming that their truth was THE truth? by the insistence or expectation - even of myself about myself - that I be a certain type of person, act a specific way, perform within these parameters, fit into this mold?

In how many ways am I experiencing trauma reactions because I never have, even when I tried really hard, fit the "norm"?

Okay, I feel it, now what?

 S, one of the Happiness Practice steps is "how does it feel, physically?"

I am at an uncomfortable weight. Comparisons and body positivity aside, I dislike how massive I feel, how everything seems to cling uncomfortably, how I take up so much more space than I used to. 

At the same time, I have never felt more solid - and by that I mean, physically present, confident in myself, powerful. Capable. Well able. I am HERE. I am no longer a frail human, who needs assistance - okay, I don't feel like one - hmm, maybe I just feel less vulnerable. Strong in my abilities, which helps make it easier to accept assistance because knowing what I'm good at means being okay with feeling less skilled in other areas.

So, I literally and, probably, figuratively brought this on myself. Because I wanted to feel those things. I was tired of feeling like I had to be taken care of. I imagine anyone whose had a major illness or physical injury which lasts longer than a few days gets the residue affect of feeling frail, of wondering how it happened, where it came from and WILL IT HAPPEN AGAIN?! And those around us are hovering, watching, and it reciprocates when others have a difficulty and we are flashed back to our fragility, and  we all get into the cycle of caution for ourselves and for others. 

And I wanted to walk out in the world unafraid. Secure in the knowledge that I am held safely in the hands of the Universe, and confident in my own abilities. Strong enough to attempt things and wise enough to know when I have to ask for help.

So here I am, physically feeling like I always thought I looked in pictures (horrible, two dimensional, blob). And reveling in the feeling of strength and PRESENCE while despising the physicality. 

And I am believing so blessedly hard that the only reason I am here in this current form is to cement the feeling of capability, confidence and strength. And that I will be able to slenderize, so I can be comfortable, make room around me, and still feel solid. 

Or, maybe, I just need to realize that growing sideways will not ever, ever, ever, make me any taller. I might be able to lift the box, but I still can't reach the one on the top shelf without a step ladder.

Either way. I am ready to be a little more compact again. While still feeling strong, capable, and solid.

Compact? 

Hmpph.

Boundaries vs Empathy

 A while back,  I saw a friend's post on Facebook; it said "I am training to make my Boundaries stronger than my empathy."

At first, this is a difficult thing to contemplate; at least if you're like me. How to turn off the empathy? How to not connect to each and every person I come in contact with?

But let's look at it another way. 

Let's think of it in terms of authors. There are millions of writers out there - trillions? of books available. There is no possible way to read them all, even if I had the inclination. But I don't want to read them all anyway. I like specific types of books; I like specific authors. I have guidelines, criteria, for reading that brings me joy. You could call that boundaries. 

Okay - the same applies to food right? There are a thousand different kinds of food and another thousand ways of preparing them. I know that I like some things and don't like others and sometimes like others - depending on the way they're cooked. I also know some things are really good for my body and some are uncomfortable. So I make choices; I have criteria. I put boundaries in place for my consumption so that I am comfortable and strong and happy and aware. (Or sometime uncomfortable but still really happy. Can you say green chile salsa?)

Okay. Let's get a little closer to the empathy thing - let's talk about donations and volunteering. You can't turn a corner without seeing something or someone requesting money. Whether it's Patreon or tithing; donating at the counter of the grocery store or helping a neighborhood kid with a college fund. Special interest groups and focused appeals go out every single day - and burn up our phone lines as well. And they all want us to feel guilty for not giving directly to them instead of to someone else. But we each have XX amount of money or time to give.  Even the richest person I know has a finite amount of money available for distribution at a specific time. Even a person with gobs of free time only has 525,600 minutes in a year. So choices are made - interests are defined. Limits, and thus boundaries, are placed.

And if we think of empathy as something physical - as a coin to spend or book to read - we realize that we can only "care" so much. The cup runs out, the interest depletes, the ability to look outside ourselves and connect with another person dwindles. We only have so much focus to give before we are finished and wind up sitting in the bed with the covers over our head wondering why we feel so bad. And empathy is focus, it's putting ourselves in another person's shoes and "feeling" their situation. Sometimes blotting out our own personal situation.

So let us know our edges. And let us be strong enough to "just say no", put on our own oxygen mask first. And let there be healthy boundaries.

But I don't wanna!

 They say "With great power comes great responsibility." 

So, how many of us "just say no" because the thought of great responsibility is overwhelming?

I want to feel powerful. I want to find my passions. I want to be good at what I'm doing and enjoy the moment. I want to have the freedom of body and soul and finances and rights and abilities. I want to be able to choose. 

But I don't want to feel like I have to become a leader, or write a book, or have a blog, or sell a product, or share my talents. I want the freedom to be able to say no. To choose who I share with. To use those gifts and passions just for me. Or just my way?

And I don't want to be the answer to anyone else's questions; I still have a lot of my own. And I've seen, in macro- and microcosms, that as soon as you stand out, people are glommed on, dissecting and prying and trying to get a piece - either by being a number one fan or by trying to find all the dirt. 

I'm not sure why people are attacking these days. Maybe we're all scared of learning something or being known for something or just feeling the pressure of too many choices or not enough or not the right ones. And I can understand and sympathize and still not want to be the attackee. What did I grow up learning? You put yourself out there - for your faith, for your truth - you're gonna be crucified. I guess that hasn't really changed, has it?

So yes, I want to have the power. To do what I want, feel what I want. To grow in my experiences and know that I am being "all that I can be." But, I also just want to quietly go my way without feeling any sort of obligation to be a Name or a Brand or a Leader. I want my life to be about what I can experience, not an obligation about what I can do.

Is that bad? To want power (of thought or deed or skill or whatever) that improves my life, and not want to feel the obligation to immediately go out and make other people's lives better? But how can it be bad... I'm a person too.