If you're like me, you have a sister.

If you're like me, when people post sappy stuff about sisters, and how they're best friends forever, you just kind of roll your eyes and scroll on.  Cuz you know that the word "Frienemies" was made for sisters.  Possibly even the word "nemesis".

If you're like me, you realize there's no other woman who was there - who knows what you mean when you relate back to childhood training and experiences that have shaped your current existence. 

If you're like me, you can hurt each other like no one else, simply because these shared experiences lead you to expect shared language.  But your sister has her own points of view, and perceptions, and experiences, and dreams that are totally different from yours.  And if you're like me, you have no idea how 2 people raised in the same household could be so…  not even opposite…  unaligned. 

If you're like me,  you are connected so deeply to your sister, you feel safe enough to ignore her for months on end, 'cause you each have to work through current experiences your own way.  And yeah, you're grateful when you need to reach out, 'cause you know she'll reach back, eventually.

And that it's reciprocal.

'Cause if you're like me, you love your sister deeper than the mountains and higher than your desired level of income.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Failing Asleep

If you're like me, sometime it's tough to fall asleep.

I don't think it's the full blown insomnia that some people have.  It doesn't happen every night, or even consistently enough to be a PROBLEM.  But it does happen, and it is frustrating.

And I'm not talking about the nights you just stay up, playing your games, reading your book, while you tell yourself you really should be in bed.  Ha.  If you're like me, you've cut back on your reading because of that tendency.

No, the most frustrating nights (if you're like me) are the nights when you know you're tired.  The nights you go to bed early.  The nights you've flung yourself on the bed before finishing your nightly routine, and you drag yourself back up again because you MUST finish.  And then, when you finally get snuggled in all proper and ready, the brain kicks into high gear and you don't sleep.

Well, you feel like you don't sleep.  If you're like  me, it is possible you slip into a doze in between bouts of intense wakefulness.  You don't realize you've been asleep, so all you're aware of is the wakefulness.  Is the wanting to be asleep.  Is the "Oh my Gods, why can't I be asleep?  I want the warm cozy snuggly feeling of just waking up, of drifting on dreams, not this cold, isolated, left out feeling of aching restless body & over active, repetitious, mind.  Shut up shut up shut up!"

So, if you're like me, you've developed some ways to deal with it.

Here are my two favorites.  The first is a tool to replace the repetitious thoughts or scenarios which run around and around in the head.  There is a track, I swear, which seems to enjoy repeating things!  (Maybe it's the learning track, because that is one way I learn - by doing the same thing over and over again until I get it right.)  So, when I want to sleep, I occupy that track with something familiar & monotonous - the alphabet song.

I like to sing it without a pause between letters, so I finish the alphabet before I finish the tune.  This gives my puzzle loving brain something to concentrate on, while still being monotonous enough to be lulled into sleep. 

If this doesn't work, and sometime it doesn't,  I move onto step two - the countdown.  I start at 100 and count  to 1.  Simple and easy.

This has many benefits.  If you're like me, the countdown is associated with meditation, and that means relaxation.  So as you countdown, your body starts releasing.  You may be amazed at which muscles have been tensed in the effort to MAKE yourself fall asleep.  (My buttocks and upper thighs are big favorites for sneaky tension.)

The other benefit is the monotony.  You have to really concentrate.  It's so easy to get distracted from the countdown: By the wandering thoughts.  By the relaxation.  By the alphabet sneaking back in.  And often by that little rebellious child who will insist on falling asleep when you're trying to stay awake and count. 

I rarely make it to 1.  When I do make it to 1, I get out of bed, and go to another room.  I read a chapter, play a video games, or do some work for an hour.  Then I go back to bed and try again.

But I have to make it to 1.  If I realize I've stopped somewhere, or I'm not sure what number comes next, I have to start over.  At 100.  And count down all the way to 1, clearly, concisely, consciously.  I have to make it to 1.

Just last night, I was ready to bound out of bed when I realized I had stopped at 9.  I hadn't actually made it to 1.

I had to start all over. 

I never made it to 70.

Sleep rocks.

I hope you have a great night!

-Lila

Soapbox of Perception - Chemistry of Tears

this was written in January, 2013 - for myself, after my mom died.  I posted it on my website, before that website was here *g*, so you may have already read it. But given the season (Sawhain!), and the fact I like to reread this from time to time, I decided to post it again. - L

When someone we love dies, most humans express their emotions with tears.  Even if the death is a healing; even if we believe in a next life that is better, we cry.  The tears roil up out of some mysterious pit and head straight for the eyes.  Then they spread to the nose, the throat. A sound often emerges.  The body shakes.  The head aches.

We rarely get to control when we cry.  Sometimes we can control how much noise we make, whether it’s a few artistic tears or a flood.  Often, we can clench our teeth against the dying animal sounds.  The headache we can do little about.

But why do we cry?  Why does the emotional wave wash over us?  Why does the stomach clench and the breath hitch and the nose run?

Here is today’s theory, specifically related to death.

We create connections with each other, with family and friends and teachers and clients.  We form energetic bonds with many other beings.  Thus, when we think of said being, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and touch quickly upon that being.

When a being is alive, she is bound by the physical nature of the body, the limitations of the rules placed by time and space.  So when we think of the being, the energetic touch reveals information we are able to translate easily, even if we don’t know we’re doing it.

But when a being dies, her self is released from the physical form.  The soul or heart or consciousness or what have you becomes an energetic body.  This body, this state of being in whatever afterlife, is a body unbound.  It is a body that can experience, encompass, embrace, expand into a whole new existence.  An existence with which we, as bound humans, have little experience.

So when we think upon the being who is dead, we reach out energetically, with heart or soul or mind or psychic field or what have you, and we touch upon the awesomeness that is heaven or the universe or the cosmic mind or... or... or...  We touch upon the beauty we have no words for, the emotions we have no ability to feel, the richness that is overwhelming.  And we cry.  We cry from the wonder of it.  We cry from the shock of it.  We cry because we cannot experience the fullness of that existence.  We cry in fear and sorrow and wonder and desire and envy and anger and bewildered acceptance because that is how the human body releases the overflow of emotions.  When we are full physically, we belch.  When we are full emotionally, we cry.

So reach out to the beings who are no longer in this physical existence. Touch the other side, fel the connection and the wonder.  And let the tears fall.

I hope you have a wonderful memory!

-Lila

Positive Purpose Restored

For to submit a story, one must have a proposal;

And to create a proposal, one must know her market & genre;

And to know her market & genre, one must research;

And to research, one MUST go to the library or even the bookstore.

For WORK. Haha!

I hope you have a great day too!
-Lila

Just Meandering

Hi!  Guess what?!  I'm still here!  Yay!!!!!

And I have high hopes for future production.  I have started being serious - okay, serious is the wrong word.  Perhaps, intensive.  I have started being intensive about my productivity.  Which requires not only knowing what I want to get done, but figuring out how I do it.  I have written many posts about this, I simply haven't actually posted them all yet.  (It's on the list!  *G*.)

Happily, as we round the corner to Fall and the Harvest, I can feel all the pieces coming together.  I can feel the practice settling in; and the habits I WANT to form, the habits that make me happy, are claiming their places.

There is, of course, a lot of work to do.  After all, the goal is productivity, right?  And a few things to finalize (like my latest book, YAY!).  And often, just when I think I have a handle on my preferences, my body introduces something new, or my husband's schedule changes, or it snows.  Or Zynga puts kittens on Castleville Legend.  (Yeah, I have been practicing being productive BEFORE earning kittens.  Yay me, again.)

So, we're still working on the pattern.  But it's obvious posting makes me happy, cuz I keep coming back to it.  Even if I'm being sporadic about it right now.  Sometimes, when practicing production, one ends up focusing on the things which are new, until they are soft and pliable and fit well into the tapestry of...  

...woof, lost that metaphor.  Talk about meandering.

So, I hope to see you again soon.  Or, more accurately, I hope you will see me again soon.

I hope your harvest is coming in even more lush and abundant than you expected.

And I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

A Morning Song

(inspired by Tweet from @TanyaHuff)

Countin' dead frogs on the side of the road @ 7 o'clock in the morning.

The tarmac is crunching under my sneakers, the passing cars honk out a warning.

or is it a greeting they're tooting at me, as we share this moment in time.

The cool, crisp air: falling leaves, blowing hair;

Are the frog bodies a sign?

Oh, the year of the frog.

we change as we grow, or we die

Oh, the year of the frog.

On strong legs we leap for the sky

some may see us as slimy

some classify us as spry

we hail each other as beautiful, wondrous.

I think I just ate a fly.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila

Enlightenment is Awesome - Tell me what I want!

In the last few days of this wonderful transitional time, the song that has most often played through my head is by the Spice Girls.

But, I tend to change the words.

"So, tell me what I want...

Yeah, tell me what I want...

I really really really wanna...."

And I pause hopefully, waiting for some melodious voice to fill in the answer.

It never does, because what I want won't fit into so few bars of music.

I wanna read, write, sing, speak several languages fluently, travel all over the world, stay curled up at home, have a really cool job in a big company, be a spiritual counselor in my own store, bake cake and eat it.  I wanna ride horses, have dogs and cats and bees and birds and squirrels and wolves and white tigers.  I wanna dive into warm water, swim in mountain lakes, drive fast cars, drive cars fast (tee hee), take the light rail to work, walk to work, work from home, meditate all day long, dance half the day away, play the music loud, sit in silence.  I wanna hang out with friends, with family, have coffee in small groups and give large parties.  Oh yes, and I wanna play videos games, bake bread, sew skirts, crochet scarves, read the runes, reconcile bank statements, file books, meet authors, go to pagan festivals, attend CONS, grow flowers, have an assistant, study theology and philosophy and psychology and archeology, live on a boat, live on a farm, live in a commune, have a townhome exactly where my apartment is located, have all the money I'll ever need, not need to have money.  I wanna walk through the wildflowers on a snow covered mountain  next to the beach.  With a unicorn.  And Wesley Crusher from Next Gen.

In short, I want it all!  And given the way we've "tamed" the time/space continuum, that would take many life-times.  

So the question becomes not only, what do I want now?  Not even, what do I need now?  But, what, in a year from now, will I still be happy I've done?

And it appears going back to school for anything! is not currently in my plans.  I can daydream about studying Theology in Wales (and wouldn't that be AWESOME?  There's even a course where it's taught in Welsh!)   Also out is getting an accounting degree and going into forensic accounting - the ultimate puzzle job, in my opinion.  They would both be interesting and very involved careers, but...  all that time and energy, I would rather spend with friends, and husband, and family, and pets.  And nature and spirits, books and video games.  Oh yes, and music.

So, that's two things put on the "next life" list.  Or possibly a previous one.  Only 553 thousands more things to choose from.

I hope you have a great day!

-Lila