What do I call this?

Practicing what I preach, I guess.

Happiness is...
...the smell of moisture in the air.
...graham crackers, brie, and an earl grey latte.
...a Barnes & Noble recovery workout.
...feeling contentment settle back in.

I know I'm not the only one for whom 2017 started with a sizzle and turned into a raging inferno. So many choices that felt like there was no right way. So many times when the future was cloudy. So many temptations to crawl under the blanket and wail, "What have I done?!"

The answer is, made decisions. Took responsibility. Did the best I could do in the moment.

My hindsight is not 20/20. In fact, it's probably more myopic than my future sight. And all those alternative universes are naturally much more sparkly than this one, because they can be whatever story I make them, since I'm not actually living them.

Which is all a long way to say, once more I have had my 1st day of employment at Barnes & Noble.

Yup, I went back.

Home.

There are a thousand reasons bubbling in my head - I can dress my style; I can be myself; I can touch books; I can talk about things I understand; I can learn AND feel knowledgeable all at once.

But the main reason, the real reason, the truth is...

I walked into the store one day to buy a gift. Someone said, "When are you coming back to work?" And I said, "When do you want me?"

So here I am. Delighted. Ecstatic. Exuberant. So many changes and so much to learn. But I got to do so much: receive money; enter data; talk about books; feel my brain start to wake up again; have sore legs and sore feet (oh my feet!); wander through every section of the store except fiction; exchange hugs; see old friends; read a book on my break with other people reading books on their breaks...

I don't know how long this will be. The future still is cloudy. I'm not even going to predict the sun will rise tomorrow.

Cuz, you know, the sun never rises tomorrow. It always rises TODAY. 😎

And I know today, right now, I hope this lasts a good, long time. Years. Decades even. Happily, joyfully, selling books to people who want to buy them. Sharing something I love. Being content and feeling like myself in every part of myself.

Happiness is.

May it ever be so.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

If you're like me... The consumption is out of control

If you're like me, this last month has been full of  fullness. Eating everything in sight. Throwing food restrictions to the winds. Consuming things like your life depends upon it.

If you're like me, very few things are satisfying. That hunger is still there. The black hole amidst the bloated, extended belly is still gaping. The very thought of food is disgusting, but still you're driven to eat.

And if you're like me, it's not just food. You're buying things. So far it's been things you need, mostly, but the desire is there. To just roam the stores. To put your hands on things. To window shop with avarice.

So, if you're like me, you are finally realizing that this hunger, this greed, means there's something missing, something that we are desperately craving.

The body, the mind, the spirit, is looking for some nutrient somewhere, and we are on consumption overload.

What do we do about it?

Obviously, it's not an easy answer, or we would have already consumed, purchased, or immersed ourselves in the desired element. So how do we find out what we need?

I guess it's time to ask. And to listen.

For me, that means figuring out how I want to communicate with myself. Usually it is a combination of sitting in the sunshine, taking a shamanic journey, and writing and writing and talking and writing and talking.

Which takes SOOO much time!

But, it's going to take more time to lose all this extra weight I've brought in, attempting to find the answer. It's going to take more time to get rid of all the extra stuff I've purchased. And if I don't take the time to listen and ask what I really want /what I need, I am going to end up in a place where what I need is recovery. And that will take a LOT of time.

It's a difficult choice. What is right for today? Can I stop consuming unwanted things until I have the space and clarity to communicate with myself? Or do I need to take that time, for me, today?

If you're like me, all this consumption means your body needs something, desperately. It's time to find out what the need is.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Can the world change?

I want the world to change.

I want our value to be based on what we do, instead of what we have.

I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to wake up and do whatever they love, and do it to the best of their ability.

I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to receive whatever they need, and receive the best quality and quantity.

I want everyone, everywhere to be doing community service because they are part of the community that is receiving the service.

And I'm not sure humanity can handle it. We seem to thrive on struggle, on challenge. On rules and rewards and demerits. Perhaps it is something chemical that drives us, to reach and explore and pit ourselves against each other. To judge. To be the best, to have the most, to be the name in the history book.

After all the games we have created, after all the challenges we have thrown into our own paths, can any of us be satisfied with mastering the struggle of simply being our best every day?

Maybe, if we see it as the ultimate challenge. The challenge of being unique. The challenge of accepting ourselves without judgment.

Can I do it? Can you do it? Can we sit, just for five minutes, and let ourselves be? Can we exist, can we breathe, without the addictive adrenaline surge of worry and anxiety and comparison taught to us by society? Can I strive, every day, to be the best of me, and have it be enough?

 Can we allow ourselves all to be alpha, to be equal, to all have what we need, and to all do what we like to do, and to ALL be peaceful and joyful and competitive without harm to others? To live and experience and create and receive?

Can we, as humans, meet that challenge of creating a world that does not require the downfall, the humiliation, the subservience of another being?

Can the world change?

Let's find out.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila

Today's Happiness Practice - Am I respecting Today?

Today I am going to respect today.

I realized I have not been doing that. I have been treating "today" as a rehearsal.
      "When I get a real job, I'll need to get up really early. So I should practice for that."
      "When I have money coming in, I'm going to want to have hours set aside for writing. I should practice for that."
     "When I am living here, or doing that, or have this title, then I want my morning to be like this and my afternoons to be like that and I should practice for that."

But today I do have a real job. Two or three, in fact, writing being one of them. "Those who succeed, put in the work." I also have bookkeeping work. And Happiness work. And house work. And self care work. And Threshold Choir work.

And I want to connect and do and give and receive from that work today. Not tomorrow, or next month, or some nebulous "when I" time in the future. Today. I have all of today!

Which means treating today, and the work I have the opportunity to practice today, as real. Give today, and myself today, and the work I can do today, the same respect I would give a desk job.

Every time it snows, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I have anxiety, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I sit down and actually write something, I feel so connected and grateful.

So today I am going to respect that. Today is not practice for when I have work outside the home. Today is practice for today! How am I going to feel productive and accomplished today? Each action, each breath, I am going to respect myself, my energy level, and the needs of today.

And today I am going to remember that the word Practice simply means I don't have to "GET IT RIGHT" by some outside arbitrary value of right. Practice means I get to try things and see how they feel, how they work today. And in my world, that tends to be a bit less structured than in the corporate world.

And I am going to respect that.

Today, I am going to respect today. I am going to put my skills into practice for TODAY. I am going to live today.

Tomorrow will be soon enough to practice tomorrow.

I hope you have a great TODAY.

-Lila

Today's Happiness Practice - patience with myself

Today I am going to practice patience with myself.

I have been reminded that recovery is a slow process. We may feel awesome and amazing when we're sitting down, or just waking up. We can anything. We can do EVERYTHING!

Until we actually try to get up and do something.

And the years pass and it's so tempting to berate ourselves for the sluggish responses, the becoming tired easily, the distractions, the desire to just sit and look out the window. (pretty!)

But as I look out the window, I am able to think back and see all the progress I have made. Realize how each step I have taken has increased my strength, my tolerance, recovered my skills, reformed my ability to be productive or stay on my feet or feel happy.

Progress sometimes makes the relapse seem twice as disappointing.

So I'm not going to call it relapse. It's not a relapse. It's simply an ebb. A waning. Energy flows. Life cycles. We are not in a constant state of "go" and "on" and "ability". We simply feel like we are because we are used to the ebb and the flow. We automatically correct our course, use our resources.

Until we have to start over and relearn.

So whether you're recovering from a major health issue, or an emotional one, a spiritual one or a societal one, join me in allowing yourself patience. In celebrating the waxing of strength and joy, and moving gently through the waning.

Today I am going to practice having patience with myself. Because the less I struggle to force myself forward, the more able I am to access all of my resources.

I hope you have a great day!
-Lila

Why Donald Trump?

I am a writer. And I have created a fantasy world.  

In this alternate Earth, there is a place called Ainland, that is ruled by a Queen.

Naturally there are people who expect they can do a better job of ruling, who want to make Ainland a better place according to their faith and their needs. They storm the castle and take the throne. But once they put the crown upon their head, She or He or It becomes the next Queen. Literally. Personal preference and past connections are forgotten; and the new female ruler is compelled to do what is best for the Land and the people.

Things obviously don’t work that way in America. Every human being, including the elected officials, business heads, philosophers, and spiritual leaders - everyone has free will. And a variety of opinions and beliefs.

So when Donald Trump swears himself into the office of the President of the United States, he will not magically transform into the best being or gender for the job. But what he will become is the elected official. Chosen through the system that is in place - a system based upon the opinions and choices of each and every citizen of the country. It may not be the best system but, since we don’t have a magic crown, it is the system we are working with. 

Our job now is to accept the choice, and, while we work to create a better system, work with the President we have. Even if he is the first person in the oval office to have a less than sterling character.

Oh, wait. He’s not.

Philandering, bias, looking out for their own interests, prejudice, misogyny… We (the people) have seen it all. And setting aside sexual misconduct (presumed or known,) what about the policies and intentions and actions for or against a specific race or class or gender or faith? These issues didn’t just spring up over the latest election night. 

Despite the documents which clearly state the purpose of our government, and the reason for the founding of this country, the current system does not treat all men and women as equal; nor does it afford them - afford us - equal self-evident chances to pursue life, liberty and happiness.

And since the system is made up of people, that means we as the people are not treating each other as equal. 

But maybe that is because we are not treating ourselves as deserving of equality. We have been hiding ourselves, desperately attempting to fit in, to either mold ourselves, or show the mask of social correctness. Finding the pack that will ensure the survival of our beliefs.

Or if that doesn’t work, trying to change the pack to fit our beliefs. Our needs. Throw a tantrum. Lash out. Bully our neighbors.

And now we have in office a man who is,or so I’ve heard (I’ve never actually read one of his books or watched a speech,) a bully, a braggart, an opinionated, self-righteous, misogynistic business man. An “ugly American.”

It appears he’s not hiding anything. We know of his actions and attitudes towards women, toward immigrants and aliens (though I’m not sure about ALIENS.) We know his attitudes toward races and classes and businesses. Towards celebrities and popular culture.

We know that because of his election, more people are showing themselves. White supremacists. Religious fanatics. Military extremists. Feminism. Black Rights. Gay rights. Human Rights. Activists for and against any number of beliefs and opinions.

We know that the emperor has no clothes; and he isn’t trying to tell us that he does. And so people feel it’s okay to strip off their own costumes.

And I think that is great. I think it’s time to be able to be ourselves. To stand up for our beliefs. To express the truth in our hearts. That is freedom! Not to inflict my belief on someone else, but definitely to be able to stand on the street corner and express with words my opinion. No matter what it is.

To each express and celebrate ourselves and our beliefs without fear of violence or oppression. Even if those beliefs are that the Native Americans make better New York cops than the Irish Americans (cuz of the horses.) Or that African American men are the only ones allowed to sing the bass line in the Hallelujiah Chorus. (It’s a gospel thing.) Or that homosexual Americans have better math skills than hetrosexual Americans. (Yeah, I have no basis for that one.)

I don’t expect you to believe all rulers should be Queen. 

What I’m asking, what I am practicing, is honoring and respecting the opinions of my fellow Americans, and allowing the country to continue it’s growth.

Maybe Donald Trump is the best representative for the country right now, this Ugly American. This brash inarticulate business man who wants to “Make America Great Again.” This being whose existence is bringing out the worst and the best in us.

Who knows what we really need? Except for the system to change. To allow us all to live - not similar lives, not cookie cutter versions of a single belief system - but equally. Each and every one of us secure in our truths and beliefs: lion and wolf and gazelle and eagle and dinosaur. Yellow and red and black and white and brown. Pine, juniper, willow, oak, and palm tree. Side by side. Honoring the fact that as people we are all equal. And all allowed our opinions.

Maybe his wall is a good thing.

But let’s not stop at Mexico. Let’s build one up by Canada too. Let’s enclose ourselves in a cocoon. So we can finish this transformation cycle. So that we can work it out amongst ourselves - we the people who have CHOSEN to stay here in the United States of America - we can argue and prophecy, protest and express, learn and conquer our fears and find ourselves.

And we can emerge a more civilized people who truly carry out the mandates on which the country was built.

 

One nation (not two parties and an unheard majority,)

 under GOD (no belief or title designated,) 

indivisible (unless we’re talking sports events,)

 with Liberty and Justice and equality for ALL.

Thank you.

Thank you for reading my opinion.

And I hope you have a great day.

-Lila