Love is a Microwave

🎶"My husband loves me,
This I know.
My microwave, it tells me so."🎵

Yes, love is a microwave.

The thing is, I haven't had a proper cup of tea since we started moving. That was over a week ago. I haven't had oatmeal either. I miss my oatmeal.

It's true; I could have cooked it on the stove. I do know how to boil water and add the appropriate ingredients.

But I am not that good a cook.

I am an amazing microwave cook.

In a microwave, I can set the timer, go to the bathroom, get sidetracked by the laundry, remember I need to put something on the grocery list, see an email I want to answer, and then wonder why I am hungry. And back in the kitchen, my oatmeal has cooked to perfection.

On a stove, it would be cooked to a dry, desert crisp. Possibly with a smoke alarm serenade.
Water for tea would be boiled over.
I have destroyed skillets with my lack of attention.
In other words, a cup of tea is just not worth it.

So to come home on a night when the chill of the wind has me expecting snow in the forecast, (Which there isn't. It's supposed to be 60 tomorrow!) and find the microwave set up and ready for use...

That is happiness.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Earl Grey.

I hope you have a great (and warm) day!
-Lila

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Sidebar

I was going to write a post about how I still feel hampered, hindered, restrained from asking for money. (Keep your eyes on this space, you'll hear all about my financial dreams in the close future.)

And then I became irritated with myself because I actually think I am beyond the "Oh, my Goddess. I'm not worthy. Can I really earn some cash with my meager skills?" Blech. Way beyond that. Only a distant echo of remembering feeling that way.

So, why, when I opened Blogger to start setting up a new page to tell you all about my current dreams and goals, did I immediately try to distract myself with a the thought of writing about money anxiety?

It turns out it's simply because I wanted to write something! It's been so long since I've posted something. And on this blog (so say the stats) I have 162 posts and 42 drafts! 42 things that have been started and never sent. Possibly never finished. 1/4 of things I've written have never been truly communicated!

Which, when I think about it, is actually a pretty good record for me. Considering I have over a thousand story ideas languishing in boxes and bites, and possibly 20 of those have reached a finished stage. I'm improving.

Hot D..., um, Dynomite! I am getting better every day. Yay me!

So, Lila, finish saying hi to the peeps, and get back to starting something you might want to finish this week. Well, hopefully this week. The beauty of having a deadline on your dreams is you might actually only procrastinate a little. If you're like me.

So, Hi, peeps! Hope you all are having an amazing day!

-Lila

What do I call this?

Practicing what I preach, I guess.

Happiness is...
...the smell of moisture in the air.
...graham crackers, brie, and an earl grey latte.
...a Barnes & Noble recovery workout.
...feeling contentment settle back in.

I know I'm not the only one for whom 2017 started with a sizzle and turned into a raging inferno. So many choices that felt like there was no right way. So many times when the future was cloudy. So many temptations to crawl under the blanket and wail, "What have I done?!"

The answer is, made decisions. Took responsibility. Did the best I could do in the moment.

My hindsight is not 20/20. In fact, it's probably more myopic than my future sight. And all those alternative universes are naturally much more sparkly than this one, because they can be whatever story I make them, since I'm not actually living them.

Which is all a long way to say, once more I have had my 1st day of employment at Barnes & Noble.

Yup, I went back.

Home.

There are a thousand reasons bubbling in my head - I can dress my style; I can be myself; I can touch books; I can talk about things I understand; I can learn AND feel knowledgeable all at once.

But the main reason, the real reason, the truth is...

I walked into the store one day to buy a gift. Someone said, "When are you coming back to work?" And I said, "When do you want me?"

So here I am. Delighted. Ecstatic. Exuberant. So many changes and so much to learn. But I got to do so much: receive money; enter data; talk about books; feel my brain start to wake up again; have sore legs and sore feet (oh my feet!); wander through every section of the store except fiction; exchange hugs; see old friends; read a book on my break with other people reading books on their breaks...

I don't know how long this will be. The future still is cloudy. I'm not even going to predict the sun will rise tomorrow.

Cuz, you know, the sun never rises tomorrow. It always rises TODAY. 😎

And I know today, right now, I hope this lasts a good, long time. Years. Decades even. Happily, joyfully, selling books to people who want to buy them. Sharing something I love. Being content and feeling like myself in every part of myself.

Happiness is.

May it ever be so.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

If you're like me... The consumption is out of control

If you're like me, this last month has been full of  fullness. Eating everything in sight. Throwing food restrictions to the winds. Consuming things like your life depends upon it.

If you're like me, very few things are satisfying. That hunger is still there. The black hole amidst the bloated, extended belly is still gaping. The very thought of food is disgusting, but still you're driven to eat.

And if you're like me, it's not just food. You're buying things. So far it's been things you need, mostly, but the desire is there. To just roam the stores. To put your hands on things. To window shop with avarice.

So, if you're like me, you are finally realizing that this hunger, this greed, means there's something missing, something that we are desperately craving.

The body, the mind, the spirit, is looking for some nutrient somewhere, and we are on consumption overload.

What do we do about it?

Obviously, it's not an easy answer, or we would have already consumed, purchased, or immersed ourselves in the desired element. So how do we find out what we need?

I guess it's time to ask. And to listen.

For me, that means figuring out how I want to communicate with myself. Usually it is a combination of sitting in the sunshine, taking a shamanic journey, and writing and writing and talking and writing and talking.

Which takes SOOO much time!

But, it's going to take more time to lose all this extra weight I've brought in, attempting to find the answer. It's going to take more time to get rid of all the extra stuff I've purchased. And if I don't take the time to listen and ask what I really want /what I need, I am going to end up in a place where what I need is recovery. And that will take a LOT of time.

It's a difficult choice. What is right for today? Can I stop consuming unwanted things until I have the space and clarity to communicate with myself? Or do I need to take that time, for me, today?

If you're like me, all this consumption means your body needs something, desperately. It's time to find out what the need is.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

Can the world change?

I want the world to change.

I want our value to be based on what we do, instead of what we have.

I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to wake up and do whatever they love, and do it to the best of their ability.

I want everyone, everywhere, to be able to receive whatever they need, and receive the best quality and quantity.

I want everyone, everywhere to be doing community service because they are part of the community that is receiving the service.

And I'm not sure humanity can handle it. We seem to thrive on struggle, on challenge. On rules and rewards and demerits. Perhaps it is something chemical that drives us, to reach and explore and pit ourselves against each other. To judge. To be the best, to have the most, to be the name in the history book.

After all the games we have created, after all the challenges we have thrown into our own paths, can any of us be satisfied with mastering the struggle of simply being our best every day?

Maybe, if we see it as the ultimate challenge. The challenge of being unique. The challenge of accepting ourselves without judgment.

Can I do it? Can you do it? Can we sit, just for five minutes, and let ourselves be? Can we exist, can we breathe, without the addictive adrenaline surge of worry and anxiety and comparison taught to us by society? Can I strive, every day, to be the best of me, and have it be enough?

 Can we allow ourselves all to be alpha, to be equal, to all have what we need, and to all do what we like to do, and to ALL be peaceful and joyful and competitive without harm to others? To live and experience and create and receive?

Can we, as humans, meet that challenge of creating a world that does not require the downfall, the humiliation, the subservience of another being?

Can the world change?

Let's find out.

I hope you're having a great day!
-Lila

How do I miss me?

How do I miss me?
Let me count the ways.
I miss me with each breath and bite and thought
My being ponders, when feeling out of touch
with the ease of remembered grace.
I miss me in the depth of every morning's
reluctant rise from slumber, to face that stranger, Today.
I miss me in the shallow night, as I put off hopeful escape.
I miss me hugely, as I strain toward the Universal connection.
I miss me softly, as I desperately touch the falling leaf.
I miss me with the totality I used to give
to my passions, my dreams, my possibilities.
I miss me with the sorrow of bewildered regret,
unsure where the path turned sideways from my glorious content.
I miss me with smiles, tears, breath; I miss my life.
God! I miss me most when I remember, replay, resume the habits
of who I used to be. Before death.

*guided by the poem "How do I love thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


If you're like me, there are days when you look in the mirror and you don't feel yourself. You're not even sure who yourself is, or was.

And those days are scary and lonely.

But if you're like me, the days of rediscovery can sometimes feel more scary. More lonely. Because for a moment, you are overwhelmed by all the empty spaces between then and now. All the missing moments when the neurons didn't fire, the connection wasn't there. The things you didn't realize.

I totally understand why people were considered possessed after a long illness, or short death. Because we are different. We are growing again, learning again, rewiring again.

8 years ago I had a heart attack. And I think I'm STILL recovering. 

Happiness is...
...
...
...Being able to see myself in the mirror again.

I hope you are having a beautiful day.
-Lila

Today's Happiness Practice - Am I respecting Today?

Today I am going to respect today.

I realized I have not been doing that. I have been treating "today" as a rehearsal.
      "When I get a real job, I'll need to get up really early. So I should practice for that."
      "When I have money coming in, I'm going to want to have hours set aside for writing. I should practice for that."
     "When I am living here, or doing that, or have this title, then I want my morning to be like this and my afternoons to be like that and I should practice for that."

But today I do have a real job. Two or three, in fact, writing being one of them. "Those who succeed, put in the work." I also have bookkeeping work. And Happiness work. And house work. And self care work. And Threshold Choir work.

And I want to connect and do and give and receive from that work today. Not tomorrow, or next month, or some nebulous "when I" time in the future. Today. I have all of today!

Which means treating today, and the work I have the opportunity to practice today, as real. Give today, and myself today, and the work I can do today, the same respect I would give a desk job.

Every time it snows, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I have anxiety, I am grateful that my practice allows me to be home.
Every time I sit down and actually write something, I feel so connected and grateful.

So today I am going to respect that. Today is not practice for when I have work outside the home. Today is practice for today! How am I going to feel productive and accomplished today? Each action, each breath, I am going to respect myself, my energy level, and the needs of today.

And today I am going to remember that the word Practice simply means I don't have to "GET IT RIGHT" by some outside arbitrary value of right. Practice means I get to try things and see how they feel, how they work today. And in my world, that tends to be a bit less structured than in the corporate world.

And I am going to respect that.

Today, I am going to respect today. I am going to put my skills into practice for TODAY. I am going to live today.

Tomorrow will be soon enough to practice tomorrow.

I hope you have a great TODAY.

-Lila